Numb as a falling leaf

Content warning: rape mention

August is gone, has been gone for a while. All I can be to him is someone that he wishes he could spend more time with; a mathematician focuses on problems he can find answers to. As for me, I’m trying to move on and look forward, but here’s another problem that has no answer: I don’t have anything to look forward to. All I have is right now. A good Buddhist would say that that’s a gift, but right now, my rapist is walking down the street at the same time as me.

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I miss him so much that, this morning, I had two separate dreams about missing him. But that’s boring and obvious.

I had a third dream, where I revisited the café I worked at. The man who compulsively buys peanut butter pies was there. I walked up and said, “Hi! Remember me?” His big blue eyes stared into mine and he said, “I love you.”

I don’t know whether that’s funny, or sad, or nice.

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