Zosa's Bear Egg

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6-7-22 - University and Other Things

Break

I write this page not having checked if my little site is still being hosted after a few months of no activity, I hope it is. I never intended to spend so much time idle, but I'm sure you know that health is an unpredictable thing. Mainly what I wanted to talk about today is that at the moment I am making changes that will hopefully enable me to write more - which is exciting to me.

I like writing; creative, informal (like these letters I guess), but also academic - which is what I want to talk about next. I think there is something empowering in being able to write in a way that someone can read and understand a little bit about me, my thoughts and feelings. Maybe it makes me feel a little less isolated.

University

I'm a mature student, about two thirds of the way through a Criminology and Law degree. For me studying has played an important role in managing my health. I could talk all day about my sob story and why it's so important, but for the sake of both our sanity's; as with writing I find my education to be empowering, perhaps for similar reasons as with writing more generally - I find strength in the idea of making myself heard and understood, even if only by one person.

So it was difficult last year when I had to make the decision to defer the module I was on because of how much my health was impacting my course. I felt that being away from university would damage my health, but that continuing would result in me screwing up my degree all together, which I figured was far more harmful overall.

I am now trying to make the decision on whether to return to my studies this October or if I need more time. The difficulty in this decision is that realistically my health hasn't improved since I had to defer initially, the only thing I have now that I didn't then is more in-depth awareness of my illness and how it effects me.

I reached out to the universities support staff today, unable to figure out for myself what the right decision was. The woman I spoke to spent a solid hour on the phone listening to my concerns and explaining available support. I'm waiting for follow up calls, but I feel more confident now that I might make it back to uni this year than I did a few hours ago. And, at least I know now that if I don't manage it this year than they are happy to wait for my health to improve. It's a big relief as I had it stuck in my head that I -had- to return this October or that was me out of the class.

In the mean time, while I think and wait, I was pointed towards the universities short courses as a way of keeping myself involved in learning, or I guess, warming up before starting again proper. I found one on creative writing to indulge myself with, along side a couple on areas of law I'm particularly interested in. So, to circle back to the beginning, hopefully this will prompt me to be sitting in front of a keyboard typing more often.

And Breathe

I remember typing way back at the start of the year that I didn't want to be too miserable in what I wrote in these letters, and I know that I perhaps broke that rule a bit here, but I break it with the aim of explaining why I am mildly optimistic. So, hopefully I can be forgiven.

I have a ramble about nostalgia to ease that frown a little as an end bit.

I don't play video games much any more. I would like a past time that panders to my imagination a little more, I still like the idea of taking up D&D when I'm healthier. That said, there are still games I like, and nostalgia influences me a lot I think... I feel like I should be introducing this as if I'm attending a support group:

Hi, my name is Zosa and I have nothing but positive feelings towards Phantasy Star Online. Some of the only positive memories I have from my childhood relate to the Dreamcast and in particular PSO. I couldn't put into words I don't think why I adore it so much even now, but my instant thought in trying to justify my feelings is that I loved how colourful it was and that you could make your own character, I had a little Zosa in space with a brightly coloured laser sword.

Over the years I brought and loved follow on games, PSU and its expansion, PSPortable 1,2,2i, Zero. I even played PSO2 in Japanese on the PS4, confusing the translator on my phone as I asked it to make sense to the games quests and story. I gave up eventually hoping that one day Sega would release an English translation in the west. Which they did eventually, for every platform but the one I had access to. And I can't tell you the amount of times I've almost spent money I don't have buying a more modern PC or an xbox -purely- so I can play Phantasy Star Online 2. I would search for news on a Playstation release every couple of weeks, almost religiously. Then this week gone I stopped...

Because they are finally releasing the game, something like a decade late, at the end of August. I couldn't believe it, I expect to be fully in shock when I'm actually playing it. I suspect I'm the only person so invested, but for once I don't care if it's silly. I very briefly experienced what I believe to be bliss, and it was at release of tension that came with the news that a modern Phantasy Star Online was finally going to be in my hands.

Amazing what power nostalgia has.

Musical Connection

My normal aim is three sections, but it has been months, and I went on longer than I expected in the third. So, for the first time ever, a musical forth.

I don't know if this is normal for you too, but I strongly attach music to time, events, objects, emotion, et cetera. An example of this for me is to look at my reaction to the PSO2 news. The first thing I did in preparation of the launch was to sort out a playlist. When I think of PSO I think of two bands, New Found Glory and Muse, the alternate is true too, I can't listen to Sticks and Stones without craving PSO. So I immediately went to my phone and added Showbiz, Origin of Symmetry, Sticks and Stones, Catalyst and the B-sides from Hullabaloo to a special Phantasy Star playlist.

I know that the reason I connect the things so strongly is that I only had a very small selection of music as a child. I would sit with my headphones on, listening to those early NFG and Muse albums on repeat for hundreds of hours as I played my colourful game. I guess I find it amazing that even after all these years (20 years I think, oh dear) those albums and that game are still so closely linked to me. I could find another Phantasy Star fanatic out there and completely lose them when I started talking about the importance of My Friends Over You or Hate This and I'll Love You being on the soundtrack.

I guess it's amazing to think about the different ways in which people experience things.