Zosa's Bear Egg

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Politics and Health

I should start by saying, I don't want to use this gemlog as a place where I just complain into the void about my health, I'm wary of coming across as someone who substitutes illness for personality or identity. Yes my health influences who I am, but it isn't who I am either; so I should like to speak in vague terms about that part of myself, you can use your imagination to fill in the blanks if you'd like.

All of that said I would like to have a short moan. It's been increasingly hard for me to motivate myself or justify the effort required for me to improve my health. Why? I live in the UK, England specifically. Not the worst country in the world I accept, but as someone that would class as a minority with a long term illness, I do feel as though I exist in a location that is openly hostile towards me. That even if I learnt to manage my health I would still then have to step out into an environment that actively wants to inflict harm upon me. I find myself looking at the path ahead of me, then beyond that to the brick wall I would hit made up of the government and related institutions, then what small energy I might have drains from me and I think "why am I even trying?". I feel like I should give up now and save myself the time, pain and struggle.

There's not really a positive end bit to this section, sorry, but I don't really have anyone else who I can try and explain this to. The person who is most responsible for my healthcare doesn't seem to get what I'm on about, but perhaps I'm skirting around the issue too much to avoid sounding overly dramatic (then what would she do to help? radically change the way the state operates for me? perhaps I expect too much from her).

Cassette Tapes

I guess it kind of fits that I should be starting such an amazingly low-tech project as this at the same time that I'm working with cassette tapes for the first time in as long as I can remember. Before this week I don't think I've even held one in... 20 years? (My memory isn't great I tend to make educated guesses a lot). Actually retro.

I've got three tapes left to go. I wish I had more experience with audacity and this kind of project. I would have liked to have been able to, I don't know, restore the audio in a more meaningful way? I have done bits and pieces here and there, but I don't feel like I've done anything she couldn't have done herself with a little reading and patience. Makes me feel like I've been lazy, or maybe guilty, both. Hell, for all I know there isn't a great lot more than what I have done that could be done with out specialist equipment.

I did some basic maintenance on the tapes, to try and makes sure the audio was recorded as clearly as possible. Then I went through the file, labelled the individual tracks while cropping weirdness and cleaning what I felt capable of cleaning. Once all the tapes are past this stage I intend to write audio CDs for each set of recordings so that she can retire her cassettes. I'm saving all the project data just in case, as well as an unaltered .wav as a general backup and in case I learn more at a later date and can improve my work.

Bit boring to read about really I imagine, but it's something different that I have been doing. Something kinda funny did come of it today however. I was editing a tape that just had "Lovers Rock" written on it in pen. In between each track was a mans voice saying something mildly (and in some cases not at all mildly) suggestive. I don't recognise the voice, maybe in the distant past this was considered appealing. I found it equal parts creepy and gross. Anyway, I thought that I should probably crop out the creepy time travelling sexual harassment. But then I had an idea, I cleaned up and saved the individual voice clips as .mp3s and now have a bonus present. A set of sixteen files suitable for use as phone notifications each with a different piece of creepy, dated, audible filth.

The set including such classics as:

Get up, I feel like a sex machine

Twelve inches of pure dynamite (with boom sound effect)

If you don't want to go you can stay and help wash the glasses (??)

The aura of menace comes from the voice of the man saying the things rather than the content to be honest, and I guess that doesn't translate well here. Perhaps for the best, for your well-being.

A solid third bit

I thought three sections might be a nice way to organise these things for you, but I must admit I don't really have a solid third bit today. Then, I feel like I've been busy all day and wanted to unwind and write for a bit. Maybe I can cover a few short bits, casual third.

One thing I've been wondering about to myself is how to handle the creative writing side of this. I know what the main thing I wanted to write about is. But I like writing generally, and I'm sure I can add all kinds of extra short bits here and there. For example, one thing I've been trying recently is journalling games, like solo analog RPGs. One I tried was called Anamnesis, all you do is draw tarot cards and write a story based around the prompts given relating to each set of cards drawn. I thought it might be fun if my imagination is sparked by what comes from one of these sessions I could re-write and flesh out some of these short improvised stories. Anyway, I thought maybe it would be worth sharing something like that too. But then how do I separate or label everything in a way where it isn't a pain to navigate. I know that eventually once there was a lot of content for you to read, then individual pages listing specific types of entry would make sense. But right now where there is only 2 (with this) pages, then that would be such a lot of fussing and faffing for anyone that might want to get to know me. I think I know what my intention is, but what I thought was that it's pleasant to me, to even have these things to think about, if that makes sense.

My nerves got to me last night, after I added my first page. I was so excited and starry eyed over the whole digital message in a bottle idea that it completely escaped my mind that someone might actually find my bottle. Everything in my head and body was screaming to delete and run away, the sooner the better before I am discovered and ridiculed. I'm glad I haven't yet, maybe as time goes on I will feel like that less, and I can enjoy throwing my bottles into the digital sea without such a strong come down.

I'll wrap up here, I'd like to add something more on Saturday, it's the most lonely day of my week. It was going to be my D&D day originally, but I don't think anyone's ever going to get to see me roll a d20 sadly. I enjoyed writing this, dull as it might come across.