mocha, ma'am.

he'd say things like "our kids," and he always meant them generally, i know; but a part of me, just for a moment, thought maybe he was talking about our kids, specifically — between us. and it would make me smile, honestly; the idea of having children with someone kind and funny, like you. so charming, like you. it's hormones, i think. it has to be.

why anyone in my position would have kids is more of a question, but i just hate the uncertainty. and that's the part where my anxiety brain chimes in. it's something that i do eventually completely lose the chance to do, guaranteed. old women have jumped from airplanes, skydiving for the first time. being pregnant does have a time limit on it, and baby, we're heading for the finish line.

but now i officially am in my 30s. i feel like a bit of a mess. but that i'm finally on track. like i'm still heading upwards. it's a good feeling.

do i want this feeling, or do i want a baby?

pour another?