white.

i'm considering

the surgery

but not to be beautiful

and not for you

or any man, really

because what i want is to look in the mirror

and be okay

with what i see

and i want to stop

searching for hours

for plus-size clothing stores

that no longer exist

because brands have all moved online

so i can't even feel beautiful shopping anymore

and it's more than just losing weight

because even if i lose the weight

lose the weight

lose the weight

lose the weight

i'll still have the excess skin to deal with

so why not just knock two birds with one stone

or three,

the amount i'd like to lose

i want to stop contorting my body

into shapes that i think are flattering

for me and my body

in the mirror when i wear my clothes

when my body causes so much anxiety

to the point where i'd rather

retreat

into my hobbies

and stay busy with

work

friends

traveling

'i'm too busy for a relationship,'

i'll say,

and my friends

behind my back

collectively

count out when i was last in a relationship

but i'm busy, and

if i stop for even a second

i'll have to face the fact

that it's not that nobody wants to be with me

(because i'm fat)

it's that

because i've never been accepted

loved

for me and who i am fully

that i'm too inside my own head

when it comes to other humans

to make sure i'm doing everything right

that i forget to care

about anyone else

pour another?