I sit out here on the pier in this wonderous town by the sea, looking out at the bay past the cargo ships to the purple-grey mountains beyond

All this beauty always makes me think about you. Your beauty and how you loved coming up here to this beautiful place

Now I live here but you're not and it's just so bittersweet to see all of this awe-inducing majesty, only to not be able to share it with you

But I AM healing. I have to. I know you wouldn't have wanted me to live like I have been these past 3 years since it all happened

I was a wretched wreck, stupid drunk, maddened with rage and reckless

I cursed God, I cursed myself. I screamed and screamed to the heavens until I was hoarse and brought to utter exhaustion

Some part of me thought that I could appeal to God, that I could beg on your behalf

Take me instead!

Not her

She hasn't even got a real chance yet, hell she's only 26!

I'm nine years older, I've already had a good run, made plenty of stupid mistakes

Let her get a chance instead!

Foolish

Yeah, I know

I wanted to find you like in the Greek myth, climb the long stairs and enter the afterlife, cross the river Styx and bring you back home to the world, to life

to love

But life isn't a Greek myth and the stairway is closed

I had to accept that your passing IS final, like, irreversibly, completely

FINAL

It's hard to accept and I never could have imagined I'd even have to accept this in a million years

At least not now, not while were young and still planning our future together

But I have to stay positive

So now I'm trying to turn my outlook around I'll never stop loving you or missing you like crazy but I can't let it tear me apart anymore

I have to honor you and cherish the memories we had together by taking that love and giving it out to anybody, everybody that needs it

I have to envision a psotive future even if it's not the one that I wanted. I have to make something new despite that

You always said I know what the right thing to do is.

And you're right

I do

I love you, little sprite, I did this for us before baby but now I do it for ALL of us

<3