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The following posts raised a subject that I've thought much about:
Specifically: why do parents disappear from the lives of their non-parent friends?
I have three children and have experienced this over the years. We were pretty young when we had our first child and most of our friends were either single or in relationships that just weren't in that place yet.
Smokey deftly touches on some of it:
> To parents, nothing is more of a valuable resource than other parents. > They bring something to the table normie single friends dont;
> • 1. parent friends share a lot in common experience wise, its kind of a "you either know what raising a child is like or you don't" group mentality they take collective pride in. Our tribalistic primate brains *really* like being a part of exclusive groups, parents are no different. In fact to them social groups are even more important since most previously existing friendships dry up with the baby.
> • 2. parent friends can watch your baby/child without an instruction manual. Being able to trust another person with your infant child is a big thing. Besides, who wants to hire a baby sitter when you can get your trusted parent neighbor to do it for free!
> • 3. Starting to socialize your child with their child at an early age, development skills and all that.
I get how it can feel this way for said "normie single friends" but I have another perspective to offer. I should say that commercial baby-sitting services are a very American thing. They simply don't exist here in Sweden. If you need a sitter you ask people you know and there is never payment involved. We simply help each other out, just like we help each other out when packing for a house move or fixing a bike or mounting a huge TV on the wall. With that out of the way, let's carry on.
When we had our first baby almost all of our single friends were really excited and told us they would love to baby sit. And I believe them, I truly do. It's just that it never worked out that way. As a parent you have to plan ahead. We can't just buy tickets for a performance scheduled a month ahead without knowing that someone can take care of our kids while we're away. But if we asked our single friends "Can you baby sit a month from now?" the answer would invariably be "I don't know yet, I haven't planned that far ahead and don't know what I'll be doing." Other parents understand, and often they have at least one child of their own. Taking on another one for a few hours doesn't make that much of a difference, and they can commit to it a month in advance and honour that commitment. They won't call you a week before the date and say "Actually there's this party I want to go to so I have to cancel".
Single normie friends often don't understand what it means to have a child at all, especially a small one. They'll suggest going out to restaurants together and happily say "bring the baby" and seem confused when you explain that it just won't work because it stresses you out immensely to know that you ruin everyone's dinner if your child decides to scream for an hour straight.
Single normie friends don't want to have to go to your place all the time, which is understandable. But you can't go to their place because nothing is baby-proofed and there's nothing to entertain the kids.
I remember a pretty horrible experience when a childless couple invited us for dinner with them and two other childless friends. We had two children at the time, four and two and very active. When we got there it turned out that they had a big flat screen TV on a TV bench in the very middle of the living room, and nothing to keep the kids' attention at all (this was before streaming services and they didn't own a single children's movie and absolutely no toys). We spent the entire evening trying to make sure that our kids weren't digging through boxes of electronics or accidentally tipping over the TV. Easily one of the most stressful dinners I've ever had. We never took our kids there again.
Our friends have always been fantastic. I'm sorry Smokey has had such horrible experiences and consequently developed a cynical view of friendships as unilateral transactional exchanges. Our experience is quite different. Our friends, like us, give without expecting anything in return.
And they love to help out. It's just that... well, wanting to isn't enough. If they don't have any of the know-how it doesn't help much. It became especially hard once we had our second child, because most of our childless friends find one child to be a daunting and frightening experience. Baby sitting two is right out.
Not to mention our third child...
As soon as our kids were old enough to somewhat take care of themselves, i.e. no baby-proofing needed and no carry-crying-child-around-for-an-hour-while-other-kids-demand-your-attention, it became so much easier. Our friends have gotten to know our kids, our kids can express their needs and wants themselves, and quite frankly they're pretty happy as long as they are fed and get a phone to watch youtube or play games for a couple of hours, and occasionally get a bit of play-time. Putting them to bed is a matter of brushing their teeth (without fuss) and starting an audiobook of their choice.
Our kids are now 12, 10, and 7, and we're reconnecting with friends again. Most of our childless friends from before are still childless for different reasons, but now we can leave our kids alone for a few hours while we go meet them. Baby-sitting is a breeze, especially if we make sure before-hand that there's food in the fridge.
We can even bring our kids to restaurants (although not any restaurant because of course they're picky).
It's taken time, but frankly a decade flies by when you have kids.
-- CC0 ew0k, 2022-07-13
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