gemini://waitingforthe.day/journal/tired.gmi

0x0000: >> BEGIN HEADER................................................. 0x0040: DATETIME: 11-04-20XXT11:01...................................... 0x0080: SUBJECT: SORRY.................................................. 0x00c0: TX: UNKNOWN..................................................... 0x0100: RX: WAITINGFORTHE.DAY........................................... 0x0140: PRIORITY: LOW................................................... 0x0180: << END HEADER................................................... 0x01c0: >> BEGIN MESSAGE................................................ 0x0200: I'VE WELL AND TRULY RUN OUT OF IDEAS FOR YOU. YOUR CASE REALLY I 0x0240: S A CONFUSING ONE, NEVER SEEN SOMETHING LIKE IT BEFORE. I CAN GE 0x0280: T YOU IN CONTACT WITH SOME SPECIALISTS BUT I'M NOT SURE HOW MUCH 0x02c0: HELP THEY'LL BE, AND IT'LL BE PRETTY EXPENSIVE. I'LL GIVE YOU A 0x0300: REFERRAL, DO WITH IT AS YOU WISH. I REALLY AM SORRY, I WISH I H 0x0340: AD SOMETHING BETTER TO TELL YOU. YOU CAN MAKE IT THROUGH THIS, Y 0x0380: OU'VE BEEN DOING IT THIS LONG SO I BELIEVE YOU CAN KEEP ON GOING 0x03c0: . WE'LL CHECK IN ON YOU AGAIN IN A MONTH, SEE HOW THINGS ARE GOI 0x0400: NG, AND TAKE IT FROM THERE...................................... 0x0440: << END MESSAGE..................................................

i genuinely cannot remember the last time i slept properly. for seemingly as long as i can remember now, i've had nights of constant waking and restlessness. perhaps it wouldn't be so bad if not for for the fact that i need to keep up with maintaining this ship. i'm constantly running on fumes but life marches on, and if i don't keep pace then the ship falls apart and i fall off into the void of space.

sometimes i wonder if others feel the same way i do, because they all seem to handle it far better than i. what makes us so different, why is it they can live their lives while i'm stuck struggling to even conjure up the energy to get out of bed in the morning to feed myself? truthfully, it's hard to tell. especially when those around me so willingly joke about how tired they are, and how it's just "a part of being an adult". but is it? i really don't know. but what i do know is how it leaves me feeling: weak, isolated, incompetent.

maybe i am all three of those things, and this only exacerbates it to the point where it becomes clear to me.

unable to think