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all alone

i wish i wasn't so afraid of new people, but i just keep having bad experiences with them. i like to stick to the known, to people who have proven themselves to be safe. but most of the people i know, especially those physically close to me, prefer to isolate themselves. i don't think it's for any reason that is personal, and certainly i don't take it personally, but it's hard to deal with all the same.

i want to go out and see what the world has to offer. i want to explore forests, lay in the shade of large trees, ride down long open highways, belt out all of our favourite tunes together. but they all just seem so uninterested, and instead keep to their life of isolation. and so i follow suit. but it tears me apart.

eventually i reached the point where i felt fed up. "enough!" i exclaimed, "i'll find new people to go on adventures with!". and so i put myself out there, seeking new people to meet with. at first it was good, and adventures i did go on. but as if the fates were conspiring against me, all of these new people turned on me without warning. i had let my guard down, and i was being battered down with no remorse.

eventually they gave up when they had finsihed with their fun, and i was left alone once again. too scared to venture out once more, i retreat to my safe space as i write these words. "how did i go wrong?" i'll ask myself. "how can i do better, how can i be better?" because it's always a failing with me, or at least that's the narrative i'll continue to feed myself. people say that i just need to keep trying, but for now i'm too tired and defeated to try.

i'll just stay home again today, i think.

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