gemini://waitingforthe.day/journal/eating.gmi

0x0000: >> BEGIN HEADER................................................. 0x0040: DATETIME: 14-04-20XXT22:20...................................... 0x0080: SUBJECT: FOOD................................................... 0x00c0: TX: UNKNOWN..................................................... 0x0100: RX: WAITINGFORTHE.DAY........................................... 0x0140: PRIORITY: HIGH.................................................. 0x0180: << END HEADER................................................... 0x01c0: >> BEGIN MESSAGE................................................ 0x0200: I KEEP TELLING YOU, YOU ARE WHAT YOU EAT. ALL THAT... JUNK YOU K 0x0240: EEP EATING IS GOING TO LEAD YOU TO AN EARLY GRAVE. BUT REALLY, W 0x0280: HAT CAN I DO? YOU WON'T LISTEN TO ME UNTIL IT'S TOO LATE........ 0x02c0: YOU KNOW, YOUR MUM AND I ARE REALLY WORRIED ABOUT WHAT YOU KEEP 0x0300: DOING TO YOUR BODY. IT'S LIKE YOU DON'T CARE ABOUT THIS GIFT OF 0x0340: LIFE GOD HAS GIVEN YOU. AND SUCH A SHAME TOO, WE ALWAYS THOUGHT 0x0380: YOU WERE TALENTED, WOULD GO PLACES.............................. 0x03c0: I HOPE THAT YOU GET SOME SENSE INTO YOU SOON, FOR YOUR OWN GOOD. 0x0400: << END MESSAGE..................................................

you can't really rationalise how i feel right now i don't think. it's strange, i crave the dopamine rush from food and try to use it to fill the figurative void in me. but i know exactly what this is doing to me--it's killing me from the inside out. i torture my body by constantly feeding it with shit, and yet i continue. why? it creates this bizarre dynamic, where i crave food but i can't help by sob to myself as i continue to force myself to eat. "why can't i control myself?" i ask to nobody in particular, because i'm not convinced anyone could answer this for me.

it's always been a problem as long as i can remember, but we never figured out a solution to it. the closest we got was this injection i would take every week, an injection that made me physically sick whenever i ate. truly, it's a terrible existence to lead. i would throw up from the churning in my stomach, and then continue to eat as if i hadn't learned my lesson. every time this happened i would ball up next to the toilet bowl, thinking to myself how this could come to be. it's as if i can't control my actions, that i am only an observer to this body and nothing more.

and as i lay there defeated, drowning in my own tears and snot, i question what the point even is. my body doesn't seem to want to preserve itself, so why do i keep trying to fight it? honestly, i'm still looking for an answer to that question. but until that day comes, i'll continue feeding myself until my body gives in.

you pig