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talk to me

i long for the days when things were simpler. when i had excuses to see and talk to other people, and they all had excuses to see and talk to me. it felt like i always had people around who cared and wanted to be around me. now that we're all busy though... i don't know. honestly it's not even their fault--i'm frequently too busy to check in regularly with those closest to me. but lately...

they say reaching out is one of the hardest parts, if not the hardest part, of getting better. if had to guess why that was, it would have to be due in part to just how many people you try to talk to won't end up caring, or actively make things worse for you. i say this, because i've been sitting here in my little pod for quite a while now and every so often i build up the courage to send out transmissions to passers by. i ask for them to listen, to help if they can spare the time and energy. recently though it feels as if they're all ignoring me. just now as i had finished up my chores for the day and looked outside, i saw a ship float by.

they said hi to me, and i responded back in kind. we exchanged some pleasantries, and it was nice to for once feel like i was being heard. but then they asked me how i was. how is it that one is meant to answer this question? because truthfully, i'm not doing good. i haven't been doing good for a long, long time. but is that really what people want to hear? after all, it must be tiring having to listen to someone bitch and moan about their problems at length. but to say that i'm doing fine, good even, would be lying. do i really want to build this friendship with lies?

so i tell them how i really feel. and then there is silence. i wait a moment, and then a while, and then what feels like an eternity--nothing. as time marches on, so do they. they continue to drift further and further away from me until communication is no longer possible. it hurts so, so much, but what hurts the most is knowing that this isn't the first time, and it definitely won't be the last.

this is why i don't talk about how i really feel to people anymore. i don't want to lose those around me, so i lead them on, make them believe that nothing is wrong and i'm okay. but things are wrong, and i'm not okay, and not being able to share this with anyone, not being able to feel the warmth of another's reassurance, it's isolating, and my god do i feel alone right now. i just need someone, anyone, to tell me that i will make it through this.

someone please tell me that things will be okay.

someone please tell me that i will survive.

someone please tell me that after all is said and done, we can see a better future together.

just someone, please.

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