Philosophy, pt. 0

CW: Depression, Suicide.

I was asked this weekend by a friend about my philosophy of life, and I realized I didn't really have a good answer.

My theory for why I don't have an answer prepared is this: my life was very railroaded as a kid. I felt I didn't have any power or control over my path; I was going to go to a four-year university and study engineering, and that was that. Never mind that I wanted to be a teacher. I was going to marry a girl and buy a house and have two and a half kids so my parents could be grandparents. Never mind that suburban life is extremely incompatible with my disabilities, never mind that I didn't much want to be a parent myself. I even dated the girl they picked out for me for two years. It didn't work out.

needless to say, this bummed me the hell out. I spent from when I was 17 to just a couple months ago (I'm 31, for reference) in the grip of major depression and suicidal ideation. I have one attempt under my belt, back when I was 22. Bluntly, I was too busy surviving and spending what time I could dissociating and escaping to think about what life really meant. I was a nihilist,

I, like everyone, had some time to think in 2020/21. I had just burned all the way out on a job, having gotten so depressed I stopped showing up and was consequently fired. I hated where I was living, but I also recognized that moving wasn't the solution, per se: I had moved to take up that job, and it didn't do anything for me. So I thought, and I made a plan. I would look for work in cities with strong public transit, so that my inability to drive wouldn't hinder me. I would reach out and start therapy with queer-focused providers, as I'd started messing with gender stuff a couple years before but never felt secure enough to come all the way out. And I would put some actual effort into making friends and having a life.

Much of this has panned out well for me. I ended up moving to Chicago, which has a good rail system. The job I got here didn't work out - they decided to try and stick me with management work without a raise, among other disrespects, but I did get involved with a local queer therapist. After a couple social false starts, I've met the best friend I've made in a decade, and joined a band and am playing shows. After a year and a half on HRT, I seem to have balanced my hormones and antidepressants correctly, and I suddenly feel like doing things again. I'm taking care of myself. I'm communicating with my friends. I'm even looking into getting a master's degree and teaching at a community college.

So, what is the philosophy of life I live by? I don't know. I didn't think I'd make it this far.

But now, I'm secure enough that I feel like I might need to figure it out.