2/20/2023 - sigh.

Mood: Depressed.

Well, a few notes here. As you can see, I've moved the capsule on over to tilde.pink. I have expressed in a previous entry that I wasn't a huge fan of the limitations with regard to Yestercities, so I'm here now. This is my first time having to use the terminal for, well, EVERYTHING, as well as sharing a UNIX computer, so I'm having fun. I wasn't expecting to have my own email. Very cool being able to use finger too.

Some slight changes have been made to the capsule:

Refurbished the capsule.

Removed a few sections I thought were useless.

My poetry section is uncensored now and I added my favorite.

Rewrote and removed text here and there.

Hoping to figure out what else I wanna put on here. I learned toki pona a couple months ago so maybe I could come up with some use for that. If you need to keep tabs on SCUMWARE, then finger me.

finger scumware@tilde.pink

Now for the sad stuff. Well, there has been a death in the family. My real life family. I recently headed back home to spend some time with everyone else, and luckily everyone is hanging in there. Lotta crying, lotta sudden jolts of "oh god, they died", but otherwise we're all grateful to have each other during this time. The funeral is next week, which I'm not looking forward to. I hate sadfests and being vulnerable around other people, so I'm sort of stressed out. I'm also meant to speak alongside someone else, but they've been way too busy to practice this stuff with me and it's really making my anxiety spike. I nearly passed out the other day - I didn't even realize I was anxious.

If anyone's got advice I'm all ears. I'm honestly a bit terrified beyond belief, and I'm no public speaker, so any advice will probably save me.

Anyhow. I'm no stranger to death, but having it be so close this time is harrowing. I've had friends die before, but these were online friends. Not implying that they didn't matter to me, but these weren't people I was seeing every day. These were people I knew for maybe a year at most. I'm doing okay. I've cried maybe once about it - I wish I could cry more. I can tell this is going to rip me apart from the inside out, I just don't know when or how. It's the hardest at night when everyone has gone to sleep and I'm just up thinking about my dead family member.

I guess it's just that you think everyone is indestructible until a death happens close to you. Now I'm faced with the fact that the rest of my family is gonna die too, and that's hard to swallow.

Anyway, I just needed to get that out since I haven't been comfortable talking to anyone else about it. The others cry when I bring it up, and I've been struggling to feel comfortable telling friends about it. No, I don't feel like a burden, I just feel so dizzy every time I talk to non-family. I don't know what the dizziness is about but it keeps happening so I'm sticking to home.

Next gemlog will... be about something. I think. I was writing about a specific topic, but I might be too lazy and tired to work on it. Stay tuned though.

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