impossible choices

i don't write that much anymore. not even for myself. hardly because i have nothing to say either. i guess i just don't think it matters; in the sense that a social anything comes from it. sending random words into the ether just feels like it's a waste of time and energy.

life doesn't weigh that heavy on me, compared to a year ago, 3 years ago, or 10 years ago. most of the credit goes to therapy and how i was able to work through things because of it. the remainder is most likely thanks to my family and the choices we made on how to treat and raise our kids. i honestly believe we're not making the same mistakes, embedding the same pile of emotional baggage into them, that my parents did on me.

nothing's ever done and over. especially personal evolution. it's an ongoing piece of work. something i never seemed to realize was, when your own evolution moves along rapidly, your partner's evolution does the same, then the evolution of the relationship that is its own beast to tame, is under constant stress to evolve along. in addition to the effects both partners have on another to deal with the changes of the opposite. to deal with such things, some programming kicks in, the programming used to deal with conflicts. my trained way to deal with conflict isavoiding conflict and bending my choices and progress in such a way that no conflict on a relationshiplevel comes into play.

probably shouldn't be surprising that deciding to "take a hit for the team" comes with a price and it will haunt you. this tiny nuisance eventually grows into a monster, that makes you project emotions outward. the blame, the anger, the frustration, the sadness. everything. but if that's the way to deal with conflict, then it happens every single time there might be one. whenever something feels abnormal and could encounter some form of (even imaginary) resistance, avoid it. the monster grows into a monster family, a whole planet full of monsters, and you start wishing you were someone else, the world was something else. if only, yes if only it was all different.

you just cannot win against the monster. not on your own, not by yourself, and not by denying yourself whatever created the monster in the first place. after living with monsters for months, years and even decades, the monster is what you know, pioneering and facing the conflict that may never come to pass, that is an unknown. it feels just as impossible as facing the monster. especially when you're alone. so you might as well stick with the monster.

one day i'll be able to face reality and the monsters will shrink out of existence. it'll be the day i'll actually take a part in shaping the world around me. i wish i had the courage and the strength today. but all the strength that i have is to take one step at a time, no matter how tiny. and the monster weighs heavy, it drags me down, but i'll do it anyway, even if i am alone and have no one to support me.