rand on non-binary madness

Disclaimer

This is a rant on Germany's state of the non-binary/lgbtq*. I warned you.

Dogfood

Years ago I didn't bother. I should've, but didn't. In my late teens I started to be non-binary, androgrynous, something outside of the norm. Not quite drifting to the opposite gender, but never quite in my gender assigned at birth. How do I figure? Uh, interests, behaviour, choice of clothes, and in retrospective a tiny bit of dysphoria.

Germany doesn't have a great history of acknowledging mental health issues. There are improvements here and there, but the current state is abyssmal. I mean it. While you can change your gender to non-binary, to do that you need to find a therapist, and then appeal to a court. To get medication/hormones you need a therapist and then a medical practicioner. Takes years.

The social trap

When I think about social stuff, I admit that I don't publicly identify as anything out of the ordinary. I tone down what I wear and align my behaviour to what people expect. Today I have more courage than in my teens, yet I still don't do it. To avoid questions. To avoid becoming an outsider. To be able to communicate and possible extend the people I know which are traditionalists and conservative (you know the drill, mother stays home with the kids and father barely sees them and goes to work, they stop working at 67 and become miserable).

For the most part people are quite simple. As long as they don't have to deal with something on a personal level, all they'll do is talk behind your back. Once they have to deal with it on a personal level it becomes black and white. Some stick around, others leave. So outing yourself as "different" will alienate a small portion and the rest is going to stick around for better or worse.

What you might gain is a new social circle. Not because you want to, but because you need to. It's like parenthood. As soon as you have a kid you HAVE to find other parents. Parents are the worst. Not all. But when you look at other sections of life, you realize that most people you meet you have something in common with. Sports, work, hobbies, interests... and then comes a child. You meet a ton of people you have NOTHING in common with, and for good reason. Now you see them every week or two, until you find someone better to meet. Someone that your kids also get along with. I am derailing...

Zealots

A ton of lgbtq* people are invisible. They just live. You usually don't find them. Many don't show up on the radar, in public. The ones you do find have a tendency to be religious. To a degree. And the more time they spend online the more likely they are to be zealots. And that's a huge issue.

When you have family (and I do have family), all your actions reflect on your spouse/partner and kids. The older you get the less friends you make. The older you get the more conservative your friends might be. Talk about changing gender, sexual orientation, relationship status, all that, always has two edges. The part that you need to become who you need to become. And the other part, the nasty consequences. The shit you need deal with should your partner quit, or your kids lose a friend because the parents of that friend alienate your kid because of your choices.

There is no black and white. Just as gender isn't black and white. As a conflicted, possibly depressed person (maybe in need of therapy) you need to be able to talk about these things, try to figure out how to solve them.

What you're being offered instead is the conservative way of don't-do-it-we-haven't-needed-non-binary-in-the-60s and the other way of omg-everyone-is-bad--screw-them. Which puts you into a place that you probably don't have a way out. Not alone at least. One party tells you to try and ignore your needs and desires, and the other party tells you to just do it and never mind the consequences because it's your human right.

Process

Finally I suppose it's a process. Everything is a process. Not a unix process. Development, personal and social development. It's the best answer I can come up with while being stuck in a waiting loop for a therapist that might actually be able to help. And that answer is not one I like. Or one I want to hear. It's better than listening to any of the vocal parties that dwell online though. If you made it this far and know someone who managed to deal with being stuck outside the gender binary, while living in a conservative place and having a 50% supportive partner, you can always give me a shout. I'm on the tilde irc chat. Name's defunct.