watching people succeed

i have heard a lot of people talk about how much they enjoy hearing about super talented people. kung-fu masters, olympic athletes, best-selling authors, superstar scientists, etc..

i'm proud of talented people, and i respect their dedication to their fields, but i can't help but beat myself up a little bit.

"i should be working harder. i should be sleeping less. i shouldn't be daydreaming or slacking off. my worth as a human being on this planet amounts to what i do, and i'm not doing enough!"

all of these things are true, and maybe i can't fix them all.

perhaps this is what i mean when i complain about being a jealous person. when i'm "jealous" of someone, the way i react is by rejecting any kind of leisure and trying to work harder, which in turn just makes me burnt out and less productive.

i used to think that this was a commonplace feeling, but i suppose if that were the case, then people wouldn't watch sports, or read interviews or biographies... but people do all of those things, and i can't understand it.

i have a hard time watching movies as well, not just because of my "leisure = bad" mentality, but also because i spend too much time thinking about either the characters in the movie and being like "these fictional characters are being productive, so i should turn off my tv and be productive", *or* i'm thinking about the actors and sets (or animation), which makes me think "these film makers have dedicated immense amounts of work to create this piece of art. i should be creating art too instead of watching tv".

the same idea goes for music or video games, honestly. i know i vented about this sort of thing before, but it's something that haunts me a lot, considering how much fun it prevents me from having.

anyway, good night.

august 2, 2021