wind and sunshine

> don't be sad! life is great, just think about the nature and wind and sunshine!

- a friend on irc

one of my better friends, i'd say. love them. i'm not here to refute the above quote, but i want to reflect on it for a bit, and i find that writing helps me think.

it's a simple quote, and it uses simple words. a child could understand it.

> think about the nature and wind and sunshine!

why does it hit so hard? it's not /particularly/ poetic. in fact it's blunt. it's a one-off attempt to cheer someone up, but for some reason, it hit hard.

the line invokes memories. it forces your brain to look for senses indexed in your long-term storage:

the scent of dirt

the texture of a stone wall

shielding your eyes from the sun

the shade from a tree

running away from bees

the thick air before a storm

campfires

mountain air

a lake in a forest

there are things we remember, and the "good" things in life are usually natural. usually, the good things in life are "the nature and trees and sunshine".

why is it so sad? why does pressing my hand against the melting snow make me so sad? why does the scent of pine after a summer storm make me so sad?

is it because i feel that i do not deserve it?

the feeling that i have wasted so much of my life may have some part in it.

shame, for who i have become, instead of who i was expected to become.

but it's not a reminder that i'm a bad person. it's just snow. it's just pine. there's no reason to feel bad.

but it feels bad.

is it beauty? does beauty make me feel bad? hold on, i might be coming on to something here...

i took a break from social media, partially to encourage myself to practice bass, but also partially because everyone there is so beautiful. not just their selfies, but their lifestyles, art, code, friends, jokes, and vents. it's beautiful. people are beautiful, and i found that it made me feel bad, because i'm not beautiful.

music makes me feel bad. even happy, upbeat music. i just tend to cry. i'll listen to it, though. i mean, i'm going to major in music. i should at least listen to the darned stuff, but is the reason it hurts so much... because it's beuatiful?

i went for a walk with my older brother. he bought me some fries from mcdonalds. it was +7 outside. practically summer! it was the first time i was able to go outside without freezing to death this month. i also wore my glasses for the first time in a while. it was sad. i mean, it's probably the peak of human experience, nothing horrible happened on the way there. it wasn't too windy. it was good, but just... existing is sort of sad. is it like this for everyone? was he sad? he didn't look sad, but then again, maybe i didn't look sad...

just having my glasses on, being able to perceive distance, was sad. i could make out the streetlamps on the distant freeway, past the albertan prairies, and it was sad. why...?

to the nature, the wind, the sunshine: what is your mystery?

february 25, 2021