sad dreams

i was recently working on my laptop in bed, and i fell asleep on my keyboard. during my nap, i had a particularly haunting dream...

i'm driving a car down an old, crumbling road. the sun was setting, the sky bled gold. i had been crying.

i was thinking about the friends i had lost to death - the pale hand that only winds the clock with one turn.

i signalled left, into the parking lot to an apartment building. i parked and turned the engine off. a friend used to live here, who had passed away a long time ago.

i looked at the door of the building, straight ahead. the burning sun cast an orange highlight over my hands and the steering wheel.

i stared for a long time, and thought about a rather specific detail:

> they no longer live in that room, and yet the room is still there. i can approach the door and ring the buzzer, just like i used to, but there would be no point.

the more i took the time, the more it hurt. i so badly wanted to get out of my car and buzz them, just to see if somehow time would magically turn back, but i knew all too well how real this reality was. i stayed there, with my hands on the wheel, and cried.

some time passed, and i started driving again. i took note on how broken the roads were, how trampled the grass was, how faded the windows on the buildings were. this part of town used to be quaint, but i no longer feel safe here.

i missed the comfort of my family. i felt it hard, the loneliness. i felt it deep.

it honestly messed me up for the rest of the day. the dream had hit me like no other

july 26, 2021