The folowing is from roughly a year ago. It is pretty striking how much nothing has changed. Despite moving across the country and starting graduate school-- nothing has changed. You really can't run from yourself.

Problem 1: The room

My room freaks me out. When I come in alone after a long day, the anxiety sets in immediately. I feel stuck, lonely, scared. It's so sad because I looked forward to this room so much. All summer I dreamed of having my own space and filling it with things that brought me joy. I thought I'd be able to find peace when I had my own space, space to grow, space to breathe. But instead of growing to fill the space, I let the space grow to fill me.

Maybe part of the issue is that it is so cold. How can a room be a home when it is freezing? I just tried to turn the heat on. Maybe that will fix my life.

The solution(s)

Warmth: but I have no way of achieving this, so I hope they turn the heat on soon.

Reflection: I should spend some time every day doing quiet reflection with soothing music on so I feel more like a person without being consumed by the quiet.

Absence: my room should be a place I look forward to coming back and resting in. I should leave everyday in the morning to do work some place else and come back only when I ready to sink into oblivion.

Problem 2: The addiction

My addiction to [[tv]] has become so bad that when I needed to calm my nerves earlier today, I considered taking a shot as a substitute. In the moment, alcoholism seemed like a healthier alternative.

The solution(s)

I suspect the only way to give it up is cold turkey. In AA they tell you to smoke every time you want to drink, but that is obviously not the solution here. I would read instead, but lately I have been completely losing my ability to read when I am stressed. I should just do it anyway and hope I fall back into a groove (maybe I can pick up some trash books that are easy to read).

Problem 3: everyone hates me

I sincerely do not know whether or not this is true. I certainly feel like everyone hates me, but I am very persuasive and not to be trusted. But it really does feel like no one actively seeks me out as a friend. Though, I realized that in order for that to happen, you need to do two things: make yourself accessible, and already have reached a critical mass of friends. No one will try to be your friend if you are never around and don't seem desirable.

I really don't think I'm just regressing to my old fixation on friendship and obsession with proving my worth through having a lot of friends. This time the reason that I feel so deeply that I need more friends is not ego-driven at all. This time I really feel like I need the support, and that I won't survive without it.

The solution(s)

Begrudgingly, I must go back to putting on a "nice" act. I have become mean and curmudgeonly.