Mother Dirt

I am on my last bottle of this concoction. What will I do when it's gone?

This is not an advertorial, or in any way sponsored. It's a lamentation for a product that is no longer available. Was it snake oil? Maybe.

Some years ago my partner found this weird odorless concoction that you spritz on your armpits and go around all day smelling like a baby, even when sweaty. And it seemed to work.

I was skeptical at first, especially because it was $50 or so for a little spraybottle that scre-e-e-amed 'biotech!'. And the story was that the inventor/owner hadn't taken a shower in over a year. You see, he invented/bred/refined a strain of ammonia-eating bacteria, or something like that, and your biome, augmented with that bacteria, can naturally keep you clean and fresh. Sounds like bunk, right?

But it seemed to work. And I became an avid user, and then, entirely dependent on that stuff. It was $50, but it lasted a good long time, if you kept it refrigerated. I started proselytizing, and occasionally sounding like a mad zealot. I could see the doubt in people's faces, and felt genuine sadness for the simpletons who wouldn't listen to reason. I don't think anyone was converted - I guess $50 is an expensive experiment even in Manhattan where it buys you a couple of drinks, maybe, if you don't tip too much.

For a while it was not available and I was worried, but it came back on the market, and on Amazon. But recently there was some kind of a buyout and some other company is selling a 'restorative mist for dry skin' products, but not the armpit spray. And 'motherdirt.com' site seems to be gone.

Damn it. I am trying to stretch the last bottle, and I really need it. After COVID, my microbiome has been altered radically and my sweat smells awful - like chickpeas and garlic. Heck, I'd pay money to sweat like I did before. Maybe it was several weeks of high fever that burned my armpit bacteria, or maybe it's my sense of smell that was actually altered. But without Mother Dirt I have to wash my pits several times a day, which is annoying. Or use some terrible deodorant. Yuck.

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