gemini://thurk.org/blog/113.gmi

> The invented reminiscence of "the way that guy or gal used to be in the good ol' days" has a cozy quaintness and seems harmless enough, but the element of self-deception in it can lead one badly astray.

I am reminded of Lee. Yes, *Lee*, the guy who no longer exists and the fact that he no longer exists is most likely a fortunate thing for all who knew him and would have otherwise known him. I say this not out of bitterness, but from the result of much contemplation of the topic. His self-destructive behaviour was only just beginning to leak out onto those around him when he snuffed it. The situation would have only become worse.

Time seemed to stop for Lee when he was away from us. By *us*, I mean Tony, Jayson, Chris and I (among others). From the very moment he disappeared in late fall 1991 until he returned in late summer 1993, in his mind nothing had happened in College Station, Texas. The fact that we had written new music confused him. The fact that the extremes of our personality had obtained new edges while old needles were blunted flummoxed him. He felt he did not belong and quickly grew impatient, introverted and paranoid. I believe he was only there just short of two months. Maybe even less.

Pertaining to the quote which started this entry, Lee envisioned life in College Station and our personalities as static. The day he left, we froze. The day he returned, we thawed. The truth was not solid. It was liquid.

As I have said, I realize skeletons are all I have of my most cherished memories. When I write, I do try to capture portions of the *moment*, but it seems when I describe situations, I mostly do it from a future perspective. I am affected more by poignant past situations at certain points after they are long finished. I contemplate. I muse. I piece together a puzzle. The unfinished portions are fleshed out by my current state of mind.

So says the ramblin' man

Topics: duality, nostalgia, college station, memory

2011-03-15

What is the point?