online forever, forever online

my history of being online is a history of constant self-discovery and self-destruction. deconstruction would be more accurate, i suppose. i've pulled myself apart and put myself together in ways that wouldn't have been possible without the internet. this is both good and bad, and some other third thing. there are no clean dichotomies in my life. i don't think those exist at all.

i sometimes wonder who i would be right now had i never received that hand-me-down thinkpad in 2002. if i didn't join myspace far too young in 2005. facebook in '08, twitter in '09. if i had an easier time growing up offline. i may not have survived this long without the internet, to be honest. although sometimes i wonder how i managed to do it the way i did. maybe i just got lucky and the internet had nothing to do with it either way. who can ever know these things.

i've been rethinking my relationship to a lot of things as i approach [age milestone]. i worry it might be time for another rebuild, this time without depending so much on the web i was raised on. that web is dead, or at least dying. i have to find new ways of being online. i have to find new ways of being.

maybe this self will stick. or maybe it's always supposed to shift. they say the human body replaces every cell every 7 years. i don't think that's true but it is kind of nice to think about. all that change and you don't have to do any of the hard work.

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