Thoughts at night

date: Wed Sep 29 04:12:36 UTC 2021

A fairly rare experience

I'm having what is usually a fairly rare experience: a night without anything

that I really have to do. I think I've finally curbed my unhealthy urge to

work myself to the bone doing hobbies even after my day job is through. I've

forced myself tonight to just relax for even a half hour outside on my porch.

That has turned into an hour, and so on.

And by so doing, I've gotten to thinking about a few things.

First, I've gotta say. Re-listening to Jazz Hop Conspiracy No. 1 (the mix

with Alan Watts bits inbetween) while I'm sitting out here lit by a lantern

and just typing out what I think on a nice little tablet; the occasional car

rolling by, the woosh of the breeze, the distant revving engines of the city..

That is pretty nice. That's an almost Hobbit-like enjoyment of bone-simple

things like music, and sitting outside in a chair while the moon hangs over us.

It used to be this way all the time

I used to have nights like this all the time, in what feels like a previous

life. Even if it was less than a decade ago, that old lifestyle feels alien.

Unfamiliar. As if I had reached an ideal, and yet forgotten to notice I had

done so until necessity led me to move on. I so regret that mentality. I had

achieved a personal freedom and peace that I've been chasing ever since.

It is in this moment I realize the irony of the world and lifestyle I'm still,

even today, pursuing.

I miss nights like this. Just me, a smaller, darker world lit by the moon,

pinpricks of white in the sky, and whatever lamp posts and headlights happen

to be close by.

I've always been a night owl

I've always been a night owl and so this is no surprise. I prefer when

everything is asleep and quiet. I feel like it's easier for my brain to take

stock of. I feel safer in a way. Like the world is smaller, and makes just a

little more sense. Those mountains become a lot more mysterious when you can't

see anything beyond them. Those bright lights in the distance might as well be

an eternity away; they won't touch me, they won't bother me. All of whatever is

out there is safely demarcated between my immediate little world of a street

corner porch, and a big, concerning world I don't have to face until morning.

My point

Night-time is escapism. Night-time is security. Night-time is having a chance

to live, breathe and -exist- without any worries or thoughts of what the next

day brings. I don't have to worry about work. I don't have to worry about

money or bills. I just have my drink, a little candle, some jazz, and people

on the internet whose slow and steady company is something I've really

enjoyed as the greater web goes faster and faster, circling around the bowl.

Thanks, fellow Circumlunars. You lot have helped me make better sense of my

life by showing me other perspectives and priorities. Here's to a happy fall*

season, and here's to reclaiming the small, happy things in life, one at a time.

Or spring, if your drains spin the other way.

contact me

email: wholesomedonut at tuta dot io

internal cls email: wholesomedonut at soviet