the value of relationships

I maybe value relationships more than the average person. My therapist tells me I over prioritize my relationships, and I mean… she isn't wrong. But I don't do this by accident, I don't do this because of something like co-dependence or misplaced feelings. I do this because its what I value in life.

the last time I was happy

Prior to starting my life over in September last year the last time I was really happy was back when I was in middle school. When I was social, with friends, and dating. I spent then the majority of my life outside of that.

So when I came out and then restarted my life I realized that's what I want: love.

love and relationships

Being in love, sharing my love, all of that. It's SO important to me. It's just… wonderful. So dating, poly, all of that makes sense. I have setup my new life to allow me to pursue the relationships I may want. That involves taking chances, that involves making an effort, that involves heartbreak…

But I chose this life for me. Steph loves love. And being in love is what she, I, crave. It does make me more susceptible to heartbreak and pain and struggling. And I need to be better at managing my saturation to not neglect my friendships. I also need to work on myself so I don't spend my alone time being sad and instead spend them with my friends.

emotional regulation

I struggle quite a lot with everything. And a lot of that has to do with the fact that I came out of a 9 year relationship only like… 6 months. I am still fragile. And I only started my transition essentially two years ago at this point. And I'm still basically a teenager. So I need to cut myself some slack here.

But yeah. I never expected to in the span of 6 months have two more rough breakups but yeah. Things happen. Life moves on. And its up to me to make sure I am okay through it all.

I am making progress in my life, I am making progress finding myself, IMHO this post is declaring I do know myself really well and found what I am and who I want to be. I had other plans too, those aren't going to be the plan. And maybe it makes sense to press pause on new relationships for a while… but I'm not giving up on love and pursuing love and all of that.

thank you

Thank you gemini. I am sorry to have basically just vented into gemspace. But having had some hard conversations over the last 12 hours I had all these thoughts in my brain I needed to get out.

I likely won't end up posting about how "gemini changed my life" because well, a fair bit of that is wrapped up in this now ended relationship, but it's true… gemini changed my life for the better, even if part of why is tied up in two big breakups.

I am Steph, I'm a dorky music obsessed, tech nerd and musician. I sometimes play games, but mostly old ones I've already beaten. I will use Linux for everything even when it doesn't make sense, I have an unhealthy attachment to the sed command, and I love being in love.

All of that remains true regardless of my relationship status…

— Steph