I miss being a kid

I was listening to Gemini Radio Episode 51. Ben was talking about how he would wake up early to watch the animated Highlander TV show and then play FFVI on SNES. Which is just so me… and I really miss it.

Gemcast Episode 51

That feeling of waking up an hour or so before school popping on the TV and watching some cartoon. For us this was Pokémon and Dragon Ball Z. I assume Power Rangers as well! But I don't know if that was a weekend or afternoon show. It was really cute. My house had an extra room my dad used as his office. It was stacks and stacks of papers in boxes, a medium sized CRT television with wood paneling on the side. I assume this was previously the primary TV but when we moved house this was too small for the space? I should ask him about it next time we talk. But we'd sit on the floor and look up at his desk and watch TV in there as kids before work. He worked in the city but had a home office for whatever reason! I know my mom used it for her job which was part time and WFH but I don't know. Memories are weird!

This really hit me hard today because I was up early, at sunrise, like when I was a kid. Instead of watching cartoons with my brother I am listening to gemini radio and journaling.

I am not doing okay y'all. I'm sure from my fedi posts and what I've shared here that was fairly obvious. But I am just wrecked. And then remembering a time before all of my life was basically blown up by being trans just screwed up my entire life. [aside: I am so happy I transitioned. It's the fact that being trans is sucha strain on your life and almost invalidates your entire past and is like starting a new game but in a level 30 area without any gear or experience].

I've said this on a lot of platforms already — I haven't been happy since I was pre-puberty. Which is just like, so trans, but just makes me extremely sad. I was happy-ish during middle school. I didn't quiet feel all the trans feelings as I was entering puberty. I've said before, my sexuality was a bigger cloud in my mind, and my gender while peeking through wasn't at the forefront. Around puberty was when I first started feeling out my gender. But yeah. I've said all this before.

But as I got older it really just weighed me down. The light faded from my eyes and the joy left my body.

I've been struggling a lot too with my future — I've felt this pressure and… this change… like I want to be the full me… but I am living a life that I, she, didn't create. I don't regret my choices… I just… is my life mine?

… I guess … yeah. This got heavy.

I miss being a kid… I miss being happy… I miss not having this feeling that no matter how hard I try… No matter how much effort I put in… I'll always be sad…