depression

It fucking sucks. I am spending more time fighting myself than living. My brain continues to fight me at every little thing. No let's not wake up let's be sad instead. No lets not make coffee let's think about this time you were happy? Remember you used to be happy? And now you're not? Good, fuck you.

No, fuck YOU brain. Let me just be happy. Let me live my fucking life without worrying about everything, without thinking about my mistakes all the time, without thinking about her or her or that or fuck.

FUCK.

I'm not okay y'all. I'm really not. And it sucks. It fucking sucks. I just want to be happy. I know what I want for my life and I can't see paths forward right now so I'm sitting down on the side of the road sobbing wondering where I can go, how to get there.

I have to hope the clouds will clear and I have to hope the fog will dissipate and I can see a way forward. And if I wait, let time do her thing, maybe I can see a path. If not I just have to trudge onward and just hope I'm walking in the right direction. Hoping I can find that path.

But hope is scary. Hope requires willpower, resolve, … energy.

— Steph