gemini://senders.io/gemlog/2023-02-07-re-a-blogging-retrospective.gmi

While certainly not the target audience of some of the questions posed in this gemlog, this struck a chord recently with me. As I have been really struggling to figure out what to write over the last month or so.

> Don’t stress over what to write about or whether people will find it interesting. I think that’s the main reason I’m still at this after two years. I’ve had fun by writing primarily for myself.

> Knowing my writing might have an audience, no matter how small, is a good motivator in keeping it up and thinking up interesting things to write about.

I think are my two main mental blockers for posting something. I currently have 4 gemlogs authored that could be published on the spot. But I hold back, why?

Primarily, I feel like it's just TOO personal. A catch for me is "is everything 'I'". I get in my head is "why do people care about what I've done" and frankly, it's because I have other outlets for personal things: fediverse and my journal. I struggle to get over that mental barrier of "this could've been a toot". And I just extrapolate to the length of a typical gemlog.

Journaling, is something else too. Really, it's what keeps me from posting online at all. "Am I just posting this to vent some feelings". I love writing in my journal, diary, whatever. I can just be silly add funny drawings and just really open up in a way that I can't online. But sometimes just because I am thinking something it's not for the benefit of anyone else, I am just doing this for me. So why should I subject people to my insanity?

This post literally is "hey I've been consistently posting for two years! and I am proud of that. Here's my thoughts on it". As personal a post as you can get.

And I read the entire thing - AND it sparked a reply! Literally, the best you can hope for in a blog post: "someone found this enjoyable and inspired them in some way". A nice goal, but certainly not THE goal.

Work's not been great, girl. It's been fucking bad. Since layoffs things have felt "off". My anxiety is through the roof, what felt like "I think I may just stay here, unless I leave tech entirely", is now "am I going to be allowed to work here in a month, year". So, I lay awake on my couch scrolling my phone to death. Or seeing what silly YouTube video can warm my heart for 6 minutes.

I set an objective for myself a few weeks ago when I started noticing this. I started to leave my phone in an awkward but accessible place (basically next to my desk on my PC tower. So I can 2FA but I can't just grab it and scroll). And it stays there unless I am using it to stream music or media while I do chores (the gateway to failure).

I've done fairly well! It's easy to look at a goal like this and say "anything short of 100% is a failure" but like the Theme System tries to teach: "Anything over 0% is a success!" So like I'd say 33% of the last like 10 days or so I did this! I stupidly didn't think to actually mark in my journal if I did this! So now I am!

And then I guess for the more direct issue of blogging. Well one, blogging isn't my life, I can not post and that's okay! But I'll see if I can find some resources to help improve my writing - since more often than not - I am sharing in my passions - which lead to gushing. I don't mind gushing, and it's fine to gush :) post your music gushes and @ me :) <3 But I'd love to be able more seriously describe what it is that draws me to this album, song, show, etc.

I failed to set a theme, because, well that's my life. But the general idea was "do more". Do more around the house to support my partner. Do more music, Do more writing, Do more THINGS! Go outside, touch grass! And this post is like the one month retrospective on that itself - you're doing okay. But do more!!

I just need to be less of a social anxious dweeb and actually make plans to do things.

re: A Blogging Retrospective

What keeps me from posting?

Why I shouldn't think this way

I fell back on bad habits

So lets combat this!

Conclusion

Links