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// A personal gemlog about how I've found a missing part of my life: the LGBTQ+ community. This may get a bit over sharing and talks a lot about my transition, queer issues, etc. This isnt something I read a lot about here. And I've drafted many attempts to talk about this with different framing. But this is the only way I think I can properly convey what I want to say.
Heyhey, I am Steph, a bisexual transgender woman.
My entire life I knew something was different but I didn't know what it was I was feeling. Even when I was expressing my gender, I didn't understand why I wasn't acting the way you'd expect of your assigned gender.
I realized early into puberty I was bisexual but internalized homophobia and fear of deviation from the "norm" made me hide myself. Mainly, I didn't know anyone who wasn't straight and just fear exclusion. Especially, because I was attending an "all boys Catholic school". (more on this later)
And any time I tried to explore this aspect of my life, fear held me back. The only real time I opened up was when a close friend opened up to me, about being gay, and I told him my sexuality in return, in hopes to let him know I understood how this was hard to say. But we fell out, as I did with most my college friends, because I have other social issues. And college drama like inter group dating, etc.
A few other close female friends knew as I became more comfortable with sexuality, but my transness while speaking through I still did not know why i felt the way I did.
Fast forward to now. I am out, transitioning, and proud. But I am still also VERY SOCIALLY ANXIOUS.
Through the internet (Reddit, Mastodon) I found the queer and trans community. I found people who understood what I felt, and I found out what being transgender meant. I had no idea but when I read common experiences of being trans and it was like watching a home movie. I learned this in my early 20s but honestly held back because I didn't feel like I qualified enough, and it's scary - upending literally your entire life (it's not this huge for everyone, but for some it truly is - for me it hasn't been so far).
Last year is when it built up to the point where I had to do something, and I did. And I am happy. I am me. I cry just seeing my reflection and I see how much more feminine I look since starting HRT.
I see old photos and my brain barely triggers the 'thats me' response.
But I wouldn't have been able to do this without the lovely folk on the trans subreddits. It has its problems, but it tries it's best to help people like me just go through the steps to exploring gender. And that it's a spectrum etc.
But beyond as a resource - I found I needed other trans people, but lgbtq+ people in my life.
I could probably count on both hands the number of close friends I had through my three decades of existence.
I often joked I peaked in middle school. And honestly it was probably the last time I was truly happy as me before coming out. Which is so sad. The last time I was happy was at 13. I had a thriving social life. I had friends, relationships, I was meeting new people, listening to music, and just vibing.
Now, I'm not revising my life. I was still extremely awkward, struggling with both my sexuality and gender identity. I still got scared to call my friend house on the phone, or talk to an adult. But I was having fun. And was kind.
But then that got taken away from me. I know my parents meant well. It was a good school. Ranked really high, had good teachers and facilities and likely set me up for the career I have now. But it wasn't right for me (being a woman for starters). But it brought out the worst in me.
I had basically two close friends in highschool, and a few other friends that I only really talked to during school hours. This school was nearly an hour away from home so hanging out was a struggle until I could drive myself.
But my friends were also a bit...toxic. Being surrounded by all of one gender is never good. It brings out the worst in teens. And testosterone is roooouuugggh and boys do stupid things. But when your sexuality is developing, hormones are raging, and you only see girls on the days you go to an out of school club... You start don't develop the best habits or mindsets around women.
In the early 2000s the Internet was a different place, and basically you just sexualize women far too much. And it warps your brain. That did not do well for me. And when your only exposure is mostly through internet forums and pornography, you really get a warped view.
But when I did get to socialize with women it really brought out the best in me. (I wonder why I could be myself more around other women? Hmmm!?) And being secluded to only socializing with girls on rare occasions really just stunted my development and really pushed me into the closet.
Like I said before, honestly without Reddit I wouldn't have been able to understand all the feelings I was having.
But this really became apparent during a work event. A new teammate joined and we went out to dinner to celebrate. I had a newish teammate join a bit ago who is gay, and another teammate who is bisexual.
In fact, she helped me the most when I needed to come out to work. I knew she was onto something, while I was beginning my transition but socially not out yet. And she was able to support me and help with the education and pronoun/name transfer with colleagues.
Back to the dinner. We got to talking, the three of us, about upcoming holiday plans. And I told them my partners parents don't know yet and I basically have to slink back into the closet for an evening and was dreading it. And each of them truly understood. Shared similar stories of their own and it clicked in my head...
This is what was missing. I started to cry. I was talking about my transition, and them both really understanding what I was saying just hit me so fucking hard. (I'm crying now, E is wonderful)
She even came in clutch for my company holiday party, where I needed a place to change into my dress because I couldn't at home. ♥️
Mastodon is weird. I hate it for being addicting social media. But I basically just read gemini and queer stuff on it. Which is great :) (fyi, if you're on mastodon let me know I need more ppl to follow!)
But it's a community. As I follow more people and share more about me I get a similar sense of belonging. It's hard to contribute on Reddit, it's not a good forum, but I've found mastodon to be small enough, and people willing to engage enough, that a reply usually gets some acknowledgement that feels good. Usually, by their own reply.
I truly enjoy having it just as a place where I can essentially chat with other trans and LGBTQ+ folks. And the cross section between nerd and trans is so high on mastodon that it ticks all my boxes 😍
This is what makes me so mad. The lesson of this post is that Not only is education of LGBTQ+ vital for everyone (preteens+ and parents especially) as society accepts us more this education will be organic. We'll just be, like everyone else is.
And socialization is so important for young kids. Literally, we take our dogs to so many places to get a diverse socialization. Big dogs, small dogs, children, adults, loud spaces, quiet spaces, textures, you name it.
But we think this a good idea to separate our children into monogroups where we cut them off from so many people.
I do see more and more young people are out, proud, and active - which is great. The internet is so much bigger, but that also elevates our voices. (And those it shouldn't but... Yeah society sucks)
So I do hope the future is brighter for the young queer kids struggling to understand who they are.
What ifs are the worst drug. And honestly did nothing to progress my journey. I could sit here and play with "what if I stayed in public school etc" But honestly, I do wonder. But I am happy again, finally. So what-ifs go back in the drawer.
I want to take a break for a second to clarify this. I was happy in my life during highschool, university, all these years with my amazing partner whom I love dearly. But there was always this fog, a dark cloud, something I didn't realize fully was here, and since it hung over me for basically my entire life, I didn't really know it was there. But I felt it. More some days than others. And I am sure there is something lingering over me now that I am blind to. And in a future post will stalk about how I wasn't fully happy until N.
I guess the point of all this is. If you are part of a community, make it inclusive, provide a sense of belonging. If an online community, provide a code of conduct and talk to your members about psychological safety.
If you're queer, don't be afraid to open up to your friends, and if your friend is queer, help make them comfortable and look out for them.
You'd be surprised what difference an extended hand can make in a person's life.
So this was a very different post to what I usually do. And what I usually see on people gemlogs. But I honestly hope this provided some education or a lens into the life of at least one trans person. And that my story can help maybe someone learn something or by proxy help someone you know. And the only way that could happen is by sharing my story. So I hope you enjoyed reading it? (A bit weird - enjoying a sad tale, but you get what I mean)
But also you can always reach out to me over email or mastodon if you need someone to talk to.
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