Sun Jan 21 2024 11:45 pm

Reflection on choosing the battles in a relationship

Edit: this was an initial reflection and I gained perspective and changed some of my opinions since writing this. It was definitely a good learning experience.

Details:

I just got through with an exhausting argument with my girlfriend, the details of which I will air out here. Skip to the next heading if you just want the reflection part and not the boring context.

She told me she was looking at old photos of herself and she found a really bad one where she looked like Tom Hanks. I found that fascinating, so I asked her to send it to me. She said no, which I didn't like because I don't want her to feel uncomfortable about me seeing her when she doesn't think she looks good, so I thought I'd give her a push to overcome this by hanging up and saying I'd pick up the phone once she sent me the photo.

In hindsight, this was a very bad strategy. It immediately backfired, and she immediately found a new reason to not send me the photo: to avoid letting me have my way and winning the power struggle. Once I realized that this was the issue, I gave up, and agreed to talk to her, but explained why I really cared about her not hiding photos she doesn't like from me. I told her I'd really like her to send it to me.

She said she was sorry but that she really didn't like the way that I had pushed her and that she wouldn't send me the photo because of that. Then she said "I tend to do the opposite of what people want me to do even if I don't want that thing".

Reflection

The difference between a little problem and a big problem it is the amount of time which it is worth investing in a solution.

If I pick a little thing and start putting undue energy into solving the big thing, then she might fight me on principle to try to get me to stop pushing little things. And if it's really a little thing, then maybe that's the right thing to do! But if I tell her no, I promise it's a big deal to me, then she needs to listen.

The question is, by fighting me on the little thing isn't she doing the exact same thing she doesn't like, but for a power struggle reason instead of a reason founded on the original point of tension?

If we don't want to fight over little things, we should both let the other person have their way and neither person should take advantage of the other's graciousness. That way, we can have trust. Then, when one of us really does put their foot down on something which seems little, the other will know it matters to them and to just go along.

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