So Long Azaleas

Today was our family's last time cleaning my daughter's school. With the exception of a couple days last month, she has not attended since some time in November, I think; around the time the virus was flaring up bad here. I brought her with me to sort of say goodbye. It turned out to be a rather anti-climatic end to quite an eventful chapter of our life.

She was so excited to go clean with me today. She got all dressed and ready first thing in the morning, and waited eagerly until we finally left in the early evening. She got to see her friends for the first time in quite a while. Everyone is always so happy to see her. Seeing her reuinte with her friends made my heart feel quite heavy. The whole reason we decided to send her to school in the first place was so she could make friends. I feel sorry to be taking her out of school and denying her that chance to develop her relationships further with these kids--and me too! I've gotten quite attached to some of them. Ever since our very first day there, these kids just treated us like we had always been part of the group (which is significant, because that is not the typical reaction to a big, furry caucasian like myself). When we showed up today, all her little buddies came up to me to say hi and tell me random things like we had not been away for months at a time. Just making conversation in the funny way little ones do, and I love that. The cooperative nature of this school allowed me to really get to know a lot of these kids, especially those in my daughter's "class," which is called "The Azalea Room."

Earlier today I had reminded my daughter that we needed to collect all her things from school since we wouldn't be going back there again. Her response was, "that's okay, I like going to school but I like staying home with you too. Because I love my brother." As challenging as it can be at times, we do have a lot of fun here, but it's not the same as spending the day with kids your own age. A child's relationship with her peers or another adult, such as a teacher, is different from that with her own parents. I can see how her Azalea family has influenced her personality while she was there. And it's curious, because that world was one I will never really know. It's a hard feeling to describe, but when you spend so much time and energy caring for a baby then send them out into the world, you really feel the scale of the distance between you and their worlds away from home. The Azalea Room was a good place for us, even if the school overall was not a good fit for us. I feel grateful for how my daughter was able to grow there.

There are so many things about this school that I won't miss: the shitty location, the gossiping clique of "senior" parents, the congested commute, the needless corporate structure (!). But I will miss the Azaleas. So much. And of course, we can stay in contact, and we will. But that phase of our life has passed, and its closing is quite somber. This all coincided with the pandemic and everything that came with it. This chapter began with so much hope! We had looked forward to going to this school because it seemed like the kind of place we had always wanted to start ourselves. I had also expected to graduate last spring. There was lots to look forward to, and it felt like we were on the edge of an exciting new life.

When we joined this school, it felt like we were entering into a community that was realizing the ideals we valued. It's a nice feeling; to feel like you have the support of an existing group of knowledgable and wise people who have blazed the trail before you. But that's not what it was, afterall. And here we are now, committing ourselves to basically starting from scratch, because there appear to be no viable alternatives. And it is kind of scary. We don't feel the kind of safety we did when first joining this school last year. It's all in our hands, and knowing how little we are capable of doing by ourselves, we feel especially sorry to be leaving this little school; even if the "community" itself is dysfunctional. We want what we had there, but without all the superfluous nonsense that gets in the way of growing--because that's what we're all really there for.

The thing is, adults suck. Kids, even the little brats, don't really know how to do anything else but grow. They are curious and playful, and that's their life! And at this age especially, that's all you really need, is just a bunch of people doing that. I want what we had in The Azalea Room, minus the BS behind the curtain, and I hope we can find other people near us who want that too.

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./ Gemlog

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