gemini://princess-jesus.flounder.online/imspeaking.gmi

good morning world! last night was so lovely at the underpass show. big-green-girl and i smashed some miller high lifes and i took some videos and pictures. i'm not putting so much pressure on myself with the videos since it is all New to me. i'm excited to get more comfortable with it. with my camera--and i know this sounds totally dorky--i feel like it's just an extension of my body. since december i’ve forced myself to take my camera with me everywhere i go, now it feels like second nature.

i talked to [redacted] for a while at the show and we laughed quite a bit. we planned another movie night for sunday so i'm looking forward to that. they keep popping up in my dreams which is funny. usually i'll wake up in the middle of the night and send them a voice memo of what the dream was. right now they're waiting to hear if they got accepted into a masters program. i will seriously do something to get me on the national news (negative) if they don't get in. they deserve all the good things and i see how hard they've been working for this!

after the show, big-green-girl, mothbaby, idi, treeprophet, evilswampmonster, mohairmommy, and i all walked to the bar down the street. we are starting a hardcore band that does only pop country covers. we will do one set and one set only. we will make t shirts. as usual, i'm more concerned with the aesthetics of the whole thing rather than the sound (sticking to what i know). our first band practice is monday!

There has been so much wonderful content on flounder dot com recently! i mainly read everyone's pages while I'm at work and it's such a bummer i can't respond on my work computer. all's to say, if you have posted anything on this website in the past few days: it has made me smile big and feel good. i treasure all the poems and life updates and inflammatory statements. just needed to reaffirm that i am a serial lurker so if you ever wonder if i saw your post, the answer is yes.

as for me, i have been having a normal yet fruitful week. my camcorder came in the mail and i am in LOVE with it. i'm dizzy with excitement just thinking about it. i'm gonna bring it to the underpass show tonight :-).

i also got photos back yesterday from schillers. i wasn't as pleased as i was with my last roll but i still got some cute stuff out of it. i also went on a walk after work with [redacted] and had a great time. we watched badlands chugs and roblox car crash compilations on youtube afterwards.

things i'm looking forward to: i made a tattoo appt for the end of may with R. it's gonna be a medieval flail weapon on my knee, so then both of my knees will be covered. i also reached out to a tattoo artist in new york so i could try and book something for my trip in august. they said they would have a spot for me but i just sent them my design idea so waiting to hear if they're interested in doing it.

it's been a minute! had an eventful weekend so let's get into it. saturday i went to the farmer's market with funkengine & some friends i hadn't seen in a long time. i think catching up is one of my favorite hobbies. when i haven't talked to someone in a while i'm always dying to know what happened in the time jump between then and now. afterward, we all went to the miniature museum (i had never been, it rocked). later on, i hung out in the park with some fellow flounderers and enjoyed the sunshine.

that night i went to M's birthday party. i felt pretty unstoppable in my outfit which included homemade leg warmers. met a lot of new people, the cast of characters in the tv show that is my brain has been expanding at a rapid pace. went to bed around 4am and got up bright and early for family easter events.

sunday night i was planning on staying in and resting but this did not happen. instead i ended up going over to [redacted]'s house (please bear with me). we got take out and watched All About Lily Chou Chou. to everyone's surprise princess-jesus felt completely normal during and after this hang out. cheering for my brain's neuroplasticity in reframing our relationship as platonic.

i keep picking my brain over them because i never have the desire to stay friends with someone after things like this happen. and i've come to the conclusion that i must be having sex with people i don't really like. in the past i've definitely missed the physical intimacy from previous partners but i never really missed them as a person. maybe that is cruel and evil--you tell me. anyways, i'm excited that we are friends right now and can certainly see them becoming a very important person to me in that way.

i made a new playlist at work today and tonight i watch succession with bugleague. i have spared myself from spoilers so far.

last night was SO fun. as usual it was so great to see some flounderer's--especially at the splash pad! i am a big fan of @ztbd's freshly bleached hair and had a great time chatting with @moldgold222 and @punkreflex. i love the space and is by far my favorite house venue atm.

most of the night i hung out with @bugleague and @big-green-girl. we did fireball shots in the car and drank a lot of beer. there's something devastatingly midwestern about getting a 32oz miller high life for $1.50. i did take some pictures but we will have to wait patiently for the results. finally shooting on portra 800 again after schillers was hit hard by the film shortage.

afterwards, i went over to sorority house and we set some full moon intentions and burned them. i proceeded to watch trailer park boys with L and drunkenly flirt with like five of my reply guys on instagram. thinking of starting a dance mom's style pyramid each week where i rank my reply guys. they make me laugh.

today i'm getting my hair cut and goddamn it i'm going to finish cleaning my stupid house. i love you and TGIF.

>you might feel as though your brain is having a battle between practical reason and intuitive imagining. you may do very well to give your wit a break and trust the sensitivity of your intuitive and creative thinking

so basically, i'm going to the splash pad show tonight. yesterday i got my pictures from schiller's back and i am super happy with them. i got some incredibly kind feedback from a photographer i admire a lot. i didn't even know they paid attention to anything i posted. the ones i took at the sinkhole a few weeks ago were cool and it makes me want to take pictures at more shows. so that is what i'll be doing tonight. i'm excited to see bugleague and punkreflex as well as everyone else :-).

yesterday V and i got dinner and we talked about the whole 'staying friends post sex' conundrum. i've been talking to [redacted] here and there but nothing crazy. V said that she went through something similar last year and was surprised at how easy it was for her to stay friends with who they were seeing. i think it comes down to how much fun you have with the person outside of the whole romantic thing. also not putting pressure on yourself to form a friendship if it's not there. i'm not sure if any of this makes sense but oh well.

the show tonight will be a good test. if i feel weird or bad in any capacity then i'm gonna listen to my body and take more space. but if not then it will be so epic.

final update: i am going to a "snow bunny" themed birthday party on saturday which is going to be hilarious. i worked on my outfit yesterday and made some diy leg warmers out of an old sweater. nothing makes me smile bigger than putting on my little outfits and having my boobs out.

holding imaginary gun to my head forcing myself to write things that don't have to do with [see below]. maybe i'm a bit addicted to wallowing. to quote wednesday, "the pain was kind of wonderful cause it was so complete".

random life updates: i ordered a camcorder yesterday! it's a sanyo xacti from 2006ish. i'm excited to try out a new medium for capturing my friends. i also went to schiller's to drop off film and my favorite employee helped me. he asked if there was anything on this roll i was looking forward to seeing and i mentioned some shots from a show at the sinkhole i went to recently. then he told me about how he was an "old punk" and divulged a bunch of STL lore. he said he used to stage dive with his camera in his hand and got some cool pictures that way (he also said he broke a bunch of cameras, but high risk = high reward).

this morning i booked my flight to NYC in august to visit a good friend. they moved there four years ago and i haven't seen them since. it's a reunion long overdue. i have this intense feeling that i might fall in love with new york (i've never been). after spending so much time in montreal last year, i know that eventually i want to move somewhere like that (good public transport, etc.). however, i do love st. louis and right now it is where i need and want to be.

you know who's band just released new music and it's really good, sad bc they have a show soon but i probably shouldn't put myself in that position by going. we listened to the rough mixes a few weeks ago in bed together sighhhhhh (gunshot sound).

thinking about archiving all my sad stuff about them on here just for like,,, privacy reasons idk. also would be a little bit mortified if they ever came across this. that's a task for later though, gotta go to cubicle prison now.

Will be updating my replyguy.gmi page soon, I have been reading everyone's posts but haven't had time to properly respond.

The open mic last night was a lot of fun! I adore and admire everyone so much. Afterward, I went to Stella's with L and V. We ran into our neighbors from Sorority House who are all older skaters. They crack me up, but last night we saw one of them with a girl that is (or was) married. He also has (or had) a super long-term gf that he lived with so it was quite the shock to see them on top of each other at Stella's. Last night I dreamt that one of them made a flounder... which is comically far-fetched if you have met or seen any of them.

This morning D texted me a screenshot of a dm she got from one of her friends that immediately went to my head but also is pretty funny. Direct quote below:

I didn't get a chance to post a flounder update yesterday because I was too busy basking in the sun and smiling and cheering. Let me catch myself up to speed (this might be long-winded):

Saturday evening I was out with friends until about 5 am, I slept in Vivian's bed again. I woke up and met up with The Person so we could talk. The weather was beautiful, we walked around Tower Grove Park. It's funny in a sad way because last Sunday we also walked in the park together. Crazy to think that a week ago neither of us thought we'd be ending things hours later. I was wearing their clothes then.

I had spent a lot of time writing up until our meeting yesterday to parse out my feelings and what I wanted to tell them. On Monday night we left things off in an incredibly sad and confusing way. I'm grateful we got to talk after the dust settled. I'll admit I was still embarrassed about my lapses in self control earlier in the week with texting them and everything. I was nervous my actions changed their view of me (this was and is not the case).

I don't feel like I need to get into specifics of our conversation. A big part of why I was falling apart at the seams last week was the fear that I was the only one feeling so devastated and upset. I mean, I knew they were sad to a degree, it just felt like my sadness was so monstrous and looming. Sadness disproportionate to the situation is what I kept beating myself up about. It was affirming to know that they are also feeling sad in a Big way as well (not that I want to see them sad, it’s just less lonely at the intersection of desire and suffering). I think my brain gets a bit sticky with the whole nonmonogamy thing. I thought they could be less affected by us ending since they were also talking to other people.

It felt healing to recount everything we had been struggling with post ‘break up’. We reflected on how happy we were with the time we spent together and how much care we continue to have for each other. I feel so much more at peace with the situation. Although we can't be friends right now, I'm not afraid of the future. I'm still deeply sad (currently crying in my damn cubicle again writing this) and miss them more than I thought was possible. It's scary to think about moving on but exciting to know our 'relationship' incited a season of change within myself. The weight of it all is heavy and sometimes feels impossible to carry, but I'm still picking up the pieces. This time I'll put them together in a much cooler and awesome way than before.

One thing I want to add is that even though things were so Big and Intense, the main thing about me and this person together is the fun we have. I know it sounds corny and obvious but experiencing so much joy and (dare i say) silliness with another person is so fucking cool. I feel that way about my friends but finding that in a romantic partner as well was also awesome. Even though it got serious and Big we still laughed.

For everyone listening along at home, I did send them the playlist I made today. It's funny that I was scared to send it because they are also working on one for me. They said mine made them cry when they got to the end (me too). As I'm wrapping this post up the last song is playing. Cat Power's cover of "Sea of Love".

woke up in vivian’s bed this morning after a fun night out at handlebar. she has silk pillowcases and is still sleeping soundly next to me.

i made a bunch of new friends last night and did a lot of dancing, laughing and smiling. caitria had to pretend i was her girlfriend to deter the freaks in that place. the men at handlebar are essentially harmless, their worst offense is taking up space on the dance floor and having zero idea how to flirt. i like to think they only spawned onto earth in the past day or two.

when we got home i stupidly texted The Person and sent them like a 2 minute long voice memo. i don’t entirely remember what i said in it, but it was probably embarrassing. i think i’m self sabotaging. they were very understanding about the whole thing and i apologized a bunch this morning. they really are so patient in dealing with me being such a freak. and still kind, respectful and nice.

i like to think i have a lot of self control. i think if i’m being honest i’m exhausted from everyone telling me i’m doing the right thing. it’s fucking hard. sometimes i feel like i never got to act out in this way because i had to grow up too fast.

afterward i went over to M's house because they were getting rid of a bunch of clothes. their apartment is so lovely and reminded me that i want to get to know them more. i got a few different things from them, one being an amazing leather coat that goes down to my mid-thigh. i also got a pair of overalls.

then something silly happened (finally)! M's ex and i hooked up once a few summers ago, and they came over to M's house while i was there. M introduced us which made me laugh because we already know each other (like dude you've seen my boobs). before i left i told M how we know each other and we both laughed about it.

i only hooked up with him once because we got dinner at the vine and he kept spilling lentil soup on himself which grossed me out. also, it was summertime and he had just dyed his hair and the combo of that plus sweat made his orange hair dye transfer onto my pillowcases.

as if it wasn't enough already, i have hurt my own feelings yet again. i kept talking to The Person over instagram this morning and received very kind and sweet messages (and funny ones too, they've got it all). it felt good to talk to them, i've missed them so much. at the same time, it is has only made things harder. i told them i shouldn't talk to them until sunday (we're meeting up in the morning).

it sucks so bad. i think i lost a lot of self control with messaging them because i know on sunday things will be more final so my brain is desperately craving to feel those good feelings one more time. i feel like a little kid that insists they are not tired when their parents tell them to go to bed. except i am also the parent.

i started making another playlist for them, probably won't ever get to show them but it makes me feel like i'm talking to them in a way. question for the audience: would you feel good or bad if you were given a playlist as a parting gift?

i’m still feeling pretty low. yesterday i went on a really long walk in the park and hung out with mothbaby n friends. the person who has been the lead role of my flounder posts sent me something very nice over instagram dms. definitely came off as "i am in love with you" type of thing. perhaps not, i could be crazy. sigh…… everything is so confusing.

i’m looking forward to this evening, umami is djing at handlebar which is always a blast. physical movement seems to really help expel some sad stuff so i will be throwing ass. will try not to drunk text my crush.

the firewalls on my work computer block me from logging into flounder (sad). i had a dentist appt this morning and they gave me a child size toothbrush to take home because my mouth is so small.

one thing that has been making me smile big is the feedback i get on my pictures that i’ve been taking with my 35mm camera. life is simple when it’s shared.

i woke up at 5 and it felt like someone had punched me in the chest. there’s nothing quite like starting your morning with a big old fashioned cry.

i’m doing a really bad job of taking care of myself physically, and just generally feel really disgusting and unattractive.

i still feel embarrassed about spilling my guts on here but i guess it will be interesting to have this whole thing documented. not feeling very hopeful about the rest of this week.

bold of me to assume that i’m fine and not sad anymore! i am planning on talking with the person who is subject of my previous entries later this week so i can tell them how i feel about communication moving forward. i have a pretty strong idea of what i want, but it makes me so sad to think about. i know closure is kind of a myth and not realistic to seek out but i think this will give me a more defined view of the future.

i listened to the most recent playlist they made for me at work and it did make me cry in my cubicle (depressing). their playlists for me are really kind and make me feel special and cared for. it’s a total mind fuck of a situation to be honest. i’ve never felt this way before.

i wasn’t planning on writing about this again today but i really want to text them right now and i know i shouldn’t. so here i am placing my word vom on flounder.

all things considered, today ended up being a pretty good day despite its start (see below). I got lunch with V and talked more about the whole thing. I also got to chat with moldgold and funkengine for a bit which was really nice and much needed.

had therapy, it felt nice to hear that i am making the right decision although it’s the hard one. still thinking about how i want to proceed with communication.

went over to bugleague’s apartment to watch succession (which rocked) and we got to catch up and chat as well :-).

i think being able to express all of these insane feelings to the people in my life helped me reach a point of peace as i’m typing this. i really needed to just be upset and let that run its course, even if it is still a bit embarrassing and messy. i love my friends more than anything in the entire world and the fulfillment i get from those relationships is more than any one person could ever give me.

i’m so lucky and grateful we got to spend time together. i’ve learned more about myself in being vulnerable with them. the way i think about loving myself, loving someone else has changed and my heart has changed too. it’s truly a gift that i got to know them and i will hold this experience close to me. there is so much tenderness and care within them. it’s bittersweet, but in the end i am happy we got to experience such a comfortable and safe human connection. i’m sending them a million “thank you’s” in my head.

@moldgold222 and @mothbaby finally convinced me to get on flounder (cheering!). It is weird timing though because I am kind of going through it right now. I always feel strange about self-disclosing a lot online, but I think that it would be good for me to let some stuff out. So feel free to stop reading here if you want! I promise I am usually silly and normal and try to be funny but not today.

The short and sweet of it is that I had to have a difficult conversation yesterday with someone I care about. I've really only had my heart broken like this one other time but this feels a million times worse. I can't sleep, I'm not hungry, and I keep having the most dramatic ugly sobbing fits while I'm driving (someone needs to revoke my license). I haven't been able to be home alone. I can't focus at work (I called in sick because I was so physically upset this morning).

The only thing that helps right now is talking about it. I feel embarrassed that I'm so devastated but I also think I need this to be a pain that is public (to a degree), I need to be reminded that it is human to feel this way and I'm not the only person that has felt like this before.

Sometimes I just think my heart is too big for my body. It's cool that I have the capacity to Love someone in such a Big way, but I feel like this wouldn't have had to end if my feelings hadn't gotten so Big so quick.

It is confusing because we did a lot of things people who are dating do. I don't think I'm the type of person that can wrap my head around doing those things but it still being "casual".

I'm struggling with what I should do next because this person still wants to talk to me and be my friend, but I don't know if I can trust myself to handle that. My boundaries about the situation are a priority to them above that, so there's no expectation or pressure for me to do so. I just don't think I'll ever be able to move on if I do. I think I would be hurting my own feelings by trying to stay friends because these feelings are so Big and I think that they'll stay that way. It also will just hurt a lot to see them/hear them talk about being with other people (which is really what the whole critical point of this ending was about). I only think about them and they don't feel the same way, which is okay but it also fucking blows.

If anyone has read this far, have you ever been able to stay friends with someone after ending things? I truly believe they are one of the kindest and most amazing people I know so it's hard to wrap my head around purposely keeping them out of my life. Looking for any crumb of clarity I can get.

have the talking stick

3:19pm, 12th story of work tower

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