Random Thoughts on Self-Identity

Don't Judge People by Their Looks

Back in 2013 (the last year I worked, at a library), I got a new boss. She was awesome, and she was the boss I *wish* I would have had all that time. By then I had already transitioned and was wearing goth clothing to work, something I probably got away with since I was always in the back area doing tech stuff. Our particular department was small, so we all knew each other decently well, which was nice since I actually enjoyed my coworkers quite a bit. So it wasn't unknown that I was into gothic rock, darkwave, and industrial music. I mean if me listening to it in my office wasn't a clue, then the black dress and gothic corset probably was.

My boss, as I said, was awesome. Aside from English, she also spoke Chinese and Japanese, and we could occasionally converse with each other in Japanese. Nothing complex, but short bits we both understood. We would also talk about various Chinese foods from the various areas (since I love things like Szechuan cuisine), and we just generally got along. It was definitely a nice change from the hell that was my previous boss.

Anyway, one day we were just sorta chatting during some free time and talking about stuff we liked to do outside of work. She was surprised that I was a very stay-at-home sort of person who rarely ever drank alcohol and never went out partying. I went to the occasional industrial concert, sure, but that was about it. I guess the way I dressed, the music I was into, my tattoos and piercings, and the concerts I went to painted a picture in her head that I was someone who liked living fast. "Sex, drugs, and rock & roll", in other words. But the reality couldn't be further lol.

Now I do think it's best not to judge other people just based by their looks, but I think this case was just an innocent mistake given how well we got along. But that's not my point today. Instead, it's that this moment stuck with me. A moment of disconnect between how I figured I was perceived vs how I was actually perceived.

I've always had issues with my sense of self, my identity, to be honest, especially when it comes to resolving those kind of disconnects. In fact that's probably a big reason why I was diagnosed with BPD a number of years ago. At least by that age I was smart enough not to do anything rash about it to better align my presented self and actual self, but the feeling of unease has stuck with me even 11 years later.