4/26/24

"baby shower at work dude?" said in the tune of "banana bread at work dude?"

it was a fun lil distraction, but somehow is making these last hours feel so much longer...

reaffirmed that babies are scary

4/25/24

Thinking about how I'm finally working full-time and succeeding. In college, I thought I'd never be able to and didn't understand how everyone did it. It is completely insane that we work 40 hrs a week and can still barely survive, but that's another issue....

M and I cooked together last night and it was fun! I can be a little "yes, chef" in the kitchen, but he was a good sport. I don't think he's done a lot of cooking overall.

Also feeling really grateful for the fact that he we've been able to chat about my fears surrounding having a PD. He disagrees, but lets me talk through things and it feels really good to not have to shy away from it. He pointed out that even if I do, I'm actively in therapy and working to form better habits and coping skills, which is exactly what would happen if I did have one. He's got me there^^

4/24/24

Did an amazing thing: grocery shopping

Next great feat: meal prep?

who is she?

4/23/24

Camping trip was a success :3 met a lot of cool folx and had a grand ole time

tents aren't even hard to pitch

Highlights:

-Dune 2 on projector

-foraged oyster mushies

-waterfall hike

-bouldering

-bat

-chili oil

-bacon pancakes

Got CHARIS solo auditions tonight! Feeling confident now, but waiting for the anxiety to hit (concert is May 18th & 19th)

My doggo pooped today :') thought she had a blockage, but she's acting normal again (thank goodness)

still worrying about PD stuff, but not sure what to do when my therapist and psychiatrist tell me not to worry about it

(both men? :/ is this relevant?)

4/16/24

realizing i get myself in a loop of trying to be a good person, feeling confident that i am doing so, and then cycling back into this idea that i'm a bad person bc i think that good people don't think they're good, they just are.

not sure how to break this down...

learning that i really don't feel comfortable expressing my negative emotions, namely, frustration or anger when it is directed at someone.

today isn't a bad day though, just a day of reflection

4/14/24

mtg pre-release was funnnn. lost a whole bunch, but won against two dudes in cowboy hats. I pulled a Tiny Bones and was real happy about that. Got to play a decent mono black deck that was def jank, but did things. And M made a red/white removal deck essentially. I covered the board state, and he did spells n shit.

i didn't expect to get back into it, but i think i ammmm and the next set is all animals '-' they know what they're doing

had some long talks with M and J about some fears we all have when J moves down and i think it's been really productive so far^^ the fact that everyone is being intentional, open, and honest is a good start to things.

i met M's mom and she's such a sweet person.. lolol... M brought me over some homemade pita that she wanted me to try (it is v good ;-; )

solo auditions coming up for CHARIS next week and i'm practicing in my empty work office rn

4/12/24

TGIF!! *laughs in office accent*

thinking about cowboy mtg set and excited to prerelease tomorrow

getting chinese food and meeting M's mom tonight... i know i'm gonna be acting like weirdo. but it will be fine, just feels a lil early. i'm excited, but i really don't like when any amount of attention is directed towards me, so i just have to forget i have anxiety for a second and talk about not me as much as possible.

4/11/24

i really want to keep chickens in the future. looking for new a new place w/a yard for coop space (this is a joke.. for now...)

really tired after climbing yesterday, but sent a few projects that shouldn't have taken me as long as they did... M gave me an appropriate amount of shit lol.

making more calligraphic desk art w/the cool pen.

found out they have chickens you can adopt from the MO humane society

4/10/24

Work days with N are the best. Crafting and anti-capitalist convos are the reason i show up.

Considering not going back to my current grad program... thinking about finding something shorter or part-time instead. I don't know if I can do 3 years of intense study rn.

sum1 left a cool white marker pen at my desk and i'm gonna make art w/it

4/9/24

Eclipse? big fan. can't wait for the next one!

I am so ready for choir practice tonight. gonna sing and dance so hard B)

J is moving to stl!!!! Softboiled might finally come to fruition, amongst other things! all i can say is stl just gained a kick ass english teacher and a rad dude

life continues to grow and surprise me in new ways

thank god i'm doing things different now

4/6/24

Dear Flounder, i will now describe the only thought I had at work today:

AHHHGJHEKSGIOWPPI>>#%)(SFLJOPPSdOFK:SDf;

That is all.

4/3/24

We've had some Ws and Ls Flounder and ain't that just the way. Recently, i had been feeling a lil left out, but I wasn't reaching out either. I was isolating hardcore. Sad it took me so long to realize, but happy that i did. Made some plans with some folx i care about in the next few days and really looking forward to catching up with everyone.

M asked me to be his partner recently and that has been going super well :3 we had a long conversation about what this meant to the both of us, especially in the context of CNM and it was really reaffirming of my decision pursue this lifestyle.

The more distance I get from my big break, the more I see how much coercion and chaos there was in all of our communication... I realize I had no frame of reference having been with E at just 16 (yikes)

I'm going to be diving into Polywise in the next bit of time to start preparing for J to move to stl. He got a job offer at one of the schools he applied to and I have a hunch he's going to accept it. I'm feeling nervous, but excited! I really hope he loves this lil city as much as I do. I think he's been looking for a place to stay for a while and I hope stl can be that for him for now.

I'm feeling positive about the future for now! And I hope I'm not alone in this. Take care fellow flounder-ers :)

4/1/24

i have the day off tomorrow and really want to use it to take some time to chillllllll. this past weekend has been so busy with family and work that i've barely been able to just be and i need to touch grass.

M stayed last night and woke me up from a nightmare. apparently i was crying in my sleep - lol - love that. He was super non-judgmental about it and it just made it so much easier to move past.

i really hope that i get to move past this all eventually. like, it'll be one of those things that i look back at with a fuzziness like, 5 years from now. that still feels like a long ass time...

but thinking about that motivates me to keep living life however i can. playing Stardew with J tomorrow, going climbing, getting together with friends, playing music, making art. all just little steps at a time.

i am human and the earth is still moving, so i can too.

3/26/24

The past few months have been some of the hardest I've ever had to go through. In some ways, even more so than the years that came before.

It feels stupid to say I've grown so much during this time, but I think it's true.

Really grateful that for all of the bs and pain and learning and unlearning,I can say I'm not the same.

It's weird how things change and don't. Some of the time, I can't even remember portions of my life before the split. My therapist tells me to be patient and understand that it's going to take a long time to process things.

He told me to "do the things I want to do, think less, and worry more about the intention and less about the impact". Most horrific goal I've ever been given, but I'm going to try.

Things are softer now. The people I'm with, the emotion, the sadness. It's all somehow more gentle. And I wonder if that's how it's supposed to be.

I've been thinking about him less too. The last time I checked his name on casenet, they issued a warrant out for not showing up to court for expired plates. I feel a victory in this?

I have been thinking about what I should do with my own story. There's a video and documents and a timeline. But the idea of anyone ever seeing it is mortifying. Would they tell me I was faking it? That there wasn't terror in my eyes underneath of the complacency?

And I've been working for months to put it all away so it wasn't in my head every waking moment. Is it even worth pulling out again? Do I owe it to someone else? Is there a timestamp?

There's so many questions that I don't know how to answer and I'm worried that I'm running out of time for any legal repercussions, but I don't think I'm ready yet.

I'm finally in a place where something along the lines of healing is starting to emerge. I still need to think about it.

3/24/24

making sure to write words today! i set an intention to journal here daily and clearly that isn't happening, but that's okay :^)

i played a game of magic last night and i kind of want to play again (uh oh)

feeling very disconnected from society, but more connected with myself. it's weird how that works...

work has me goin crazy thinkin about everything, but not able to do anything :p

feeling a lil forgotten about, but i'm not mad about it?

3/7/24

Roadtrips are good :3

3/5/24

Going to volunteer for AMKE this weekend and I'm getting excited!!! I've never been to a proper con before... It's so hard to choose what to check out.

Also hoping to sneak away at some point to go explore the Milwaukee Art museum^^ but i'm nervous to ask Jonathan for a ride (even tho that's silly bc it's like 5 min from the con center)

work is so slow i want 2 perish .-.

3/2/24

It's MARCH o.o how did this happen?

Time is passing and things are changing, but not really?

Played stardew with J today! He gave me some job app updates and I'm getting pumped! And it looks like the school he was super interested in just posted an opening B) I really hope things go well for him and if (maybe should switch it to when) he moves to stl, it ends up being what he hopes it will. This is a good place when you find the right people :)

Went to Art in Bloom with D, H, and Peach!!! Missed them lots and had a great time just being with folx.

Feelin' normal for the 1st time in a while, whatever that means!

2/29/24

My predictions about today were pretty accurate. I'm doing pretty alright. It's just a day. And I'm working and then calling J later and then going to celebrate a friend's birthday.

I'm looking forward to catching up with J though. He's been finishing some big projects for school and we just haven't been able to talk much. I think I'm a little anxious that our lack of communication means we're growing apart, but I know this isn't really logical. He's been doing some interviews for stl schools and it seems like things are going welllll. AH I hope it all works out!!

Went to experimental open mic last night with M and he had a really good time :^) which makes me glad! It was a little smaller last night which was nice!

M is going out of town this weekend. I'm excited for him and to have a little bit of space too. I love hanging with him, but definitely need to reclaim some alone time.

I drew first blood climbing yesterday. I've gotten a couple flappers at this point, but yesterday was a big one. I finally landed a dino I had been working on, but in the process, ripped a huge bit of skin off of my hand :') luckily it was the end of the session, but ouchhhh

Spoke with my psychiatrist and he finally seemed to take me more seriously about my concerns of having PD. He suggested I seek MMPI testing. I think this is mainly to curb my worries, but it still feels good to not just be dismissed. I'm not sure how I will take it if there is a diagnosis that fits, but it still feels like a step in *a* direction. Maybe if I had a more definitive answer, I wouldn't ruminate and worry about it as much? I recognize a diagnosis won't ultimately change anything about who I am, but I could give it a name?

Going to see Art in Bloom, hopefully game with J, and maybe organizing a lil friend hang?? (nervous cause im bad a planning)

Looking forward to my next few days of though. Going to be kind to myself. I have more kindness to give to the world when I fill my own cup first.

I missed J so much :') it was so good to hear from him and jeez that man is doing a lot right now... our convo today did just remind me how grateful I am to get to explore enm in a way that is actually open, honest, and based with love and respect for everyone involved (wow, wild concepts I know)

Friends bday was also *the* vibe. Not too crazy, not too chill. Rarely leave a social gathering actually feeling recharged :^) I think that says a lot about the kind of friend he is to all of the folx in his life. Was really happy to see everyone there too! It's been too long since I've gotten to hang with the Truman Crew™️

2/24/24

Went to sleep way earlier than I have been and I feel so much more alive... But the more sleep i get, the more time I spend in rem and the more dreams I have. Last night was another dumb closure dream with my ex that I know I'll never have. Even if we ever did get to talk, I know he wouldn't provide any clarity because he wouldn't admit to the things he's done. And if he told me he never meant to hurt me, it's just the same story I believed for the years we were together.

i've spent so much time organizing things that i could submit to start an investigation, but i just can't bring myself to do it. i'm not sure if i'm just too tired, scared, or still defending him. Or maybe i just want to let it go.

what i can see as progress is that i don't think about him like i used to. not in the same ways. it would be 8 years on the leap day and i have been so worried that i'd spend the day gutted, but no. i feel angry and i feel like doing something good for myself. and even though i feel angry, i don't hate him. im so scared of being angry about anything, but its comforting that there's still a softness that remains in the depth of all of the emotion.

2/23/24

Realized it had been a second since I had been on here... Been doing a lot of climbing lately. Just recently got access to so many games on steam and I have so much content nowwwwww. Started playing Inscryption today and it's realllly gooood.

Been thinking about cycles lately. the good. the bad. the informative. rinse, repeat. We all have our little rituals and cycles and things that keep us running through the days. Sometimes, I think i'm too aware of mine and become overly critical of my lil animal actions. We're all just trying to figure it out.

I was finally moved into a full-time position at work and it's going to be such a relief to know I have enough to cover rent consistently now. Maybe without that stress, I can stress about other things more (jkjk)

i am surrounded by good people right now and that makes me grateful. It's lifting and it makes it all feel easier. i love that i get to be a part of it all. the music, the talk, the connection, the humanness.

i might be helping to record a lil blurb in a song for a friend and that's neat

that's all for now.

2/11/24

my cat is yelling at me atm

i made the mistake of getting into bed and now i am s t u c k

i wonder what t swizzle is doing rn at the superbowl

2/9/24

been really tired and checked out lately. i'm stuck in a bit of a loop. i've still been talking to M and trying to sort things out, but i'm not sure if it's healthy. on one hand, i could be totally catastrophizing or i could actually be noticing a legit issue. worried i'm falling into the same patterns.

i guess i'm trying to take it day by day right now.

i've kind of disappeared from life again and been spiraling, but we're trying to get back out there...

tired of being so self-focused all the time...

Had a wild thing happen with my therapist and now i'm on the search for a new one which is not ideal. I'm kind of considering if I should report it or not, but idk.

it's a weird time...

But going bowling tonight and hopefully just hanging out with some friends will help :) staying positive

2/2/24

Climbed on my own today and I'm pretty proud! It's more difficult not having a buddy, but it makes me think more about what I'm doing. I can't just get the easy answer.

The gym was pretty empty which took the pressure off too.

Moving is always good. It helps me clear my head and stay present 🎁 (idk if emojis work on flounder)

Feel a lil bad for calling out of work. I thought I was sick this morning, but I think I just needed a day. Either way, listening to my bod was a good call.

2/1/24

sad and tired today. i need sleep so badly, but these nightmares won't stop.

work was busy, but i was happy for the distraction. love my coworkers <3

i just want to experience trust again in a way that isn't nuanced or matched with hesitancy. i guess it needs to start with myself.

i see little glimpses of it in small ways. Walks with friends, phone calls with my sister, sharing art with folks. I know it compounds, it's just hard.

it's really dumb to make this comparison, but sometimes i relate with Lapis from Steven Universe and I'm scared I'll end up just as stagnant as a fictional character.

it does feel important to say that i did make the right call and didn't let myself fall back into a pattern I probably would have 6 months ago. That's progress.

Today was hard, but I had good food, good convos, and got to connect with J tonight. There's so much to be grateful for in my life and I want to acknowledge that too.

Signing off.

1/31/24

i feel like i could fight a bear today... time to go grocery shopping

i talked to M today and i just feel so confused. its always so hard to trust myself. i feel manipulated right now, but i don't know how to be sure.

i'm really hoping some space will bring clarity.

thank god for friends. men suck.

1/30/24

therapy really hit hard today. started thinking about boundaries and accountability. how it's one thing to voice a boundary, but another to advocate for that boundary. it takes action from ~me~. i got really used to letting the things that were integral to me be completely squashed in my ~big~ relationship and it's all jumbled now. i'm going to have to talk with M. i really don't want to. but it will be for the best and it's on me for not sticking to it earlier. i just hope he's receptive.

got a fitbit today to start tracking my vitals and sleep. hoping to sort out this nightmare issue. waking up ready for "battle" every day isn't really sustainable. my psychiatrist gave me a new med to try that's supposed to target ptsd-related dreams, so i'm crossing my fingers.

looking forward to Charis 2nite and just decompressing with some lovely folks and making music <3

1/29/24

kinda boring day. it was just me in the office for most of the day. Did a lot of reading tho and got a gym membership. we're gettin' real about climbing (woooo!!!)

really tired today and having a derealization episode, but it isn't as scary now that i know what they are.

played some dst with M and we both died, but made it thru like, 17 days.

gonna finish my book and chill. I'm really happy I've been reading more. My lil internal imagination is coming back and it feels good!

1/28/24

Went climbing with M yesterday and watched the first two Twilight movies after. thank god. next time we climb I can say "better hold on tight spider monkey"...

played stardew with J and felt like things were a little off, but also maybe that's on me bc I was tired from climbing. I'm getting really excited that he might be moving to stl... it'd be so cool :') but it is also scary bc then things could progress... i think i like him too much and don't know how to handle it after my *big* break and i don't want to ruin it... i should reflect on this, but not too much too soon.

went to slam with Peach today and it was great! saw the Aso Oke exhibit and that was wicked cool. then had some noods and talked psychology for a few hours. She is about to graduate from her program and has started seeing clients which is so interesting to hear about. humans are weird bro.

been thinking more about whether returning to my program in the fall is the right move for me. art therapy has always been my goal, but i just don't know if i have what it takes. grateful that i have more time to figure it out...

in other news, bubble tea is my new obsession <3 thinkin' about those lil tea tadpoles mmmmm

1/23/24

First Charis rehearsal of the season!! Really looking forward to singing with such an uplifting group of people. Theme this season is "We Are Family" and I think that's something to hold on to.

Got to see A again and really wanna hang with her more! She just started her new job and loves it, which makes me real happy! I felt a lil odd bc I didn't have any *great* life updates to share, but things have been looking up at least!

The closer this season is "We're All in This Together"... yea, that one.. XD it's gonna be a fun couple of months!

1/21/24

Slept in after staying up too late playing Don't Starve, went climbing, started looking at my old mtg decks, read tarot for M.

Spent too much time with M, but barely even felt anxious.

Making spag 4 dinner and jamming to some tunes.

Good day

I'm getting excited that I'm starting to understand more about what my body can do as I climb more! And M is super great at explaining ways ur brain/body try to be dumb as u figure it out.

Feels good to talk with someone w/out thinking too much in the background.

1/19/24

Things I am grateful for today:

deep-dish

cardboard & coloured pencils

having hands

grounding techniques

siblings

SPRITE SHOW :^)

mushroom mugs

ginger snaps & boba

lil moments of connection

If today is a glimpse of what the next year might be like, I'm holding on to it.

Thanks for braving the cold and for the kewl mug and book!!! (can't wait to read it) @evilswampmonster

1/18/24

i turn 25 2morrow and that feels weird. maybe this is the year things turn around when I'm sporting my fully developed prefrontal cortex. i like thinking that i'll only be like, 7 years old in adult if you consider 18 adulthood. just a lil baby adult, still figuring it out.

1/16/24

Needed to take some time after the other night. Spent the day watching Adventure Time, trying some new things on uke, and playing some games.

I've been playing a lot of Kingdom, which is like a side-scrolling resource managing sorta game. Super fun and super addicting.

I spoke to M about taking things slow. After the other day, it feels like he wants things to move even more quickly than before and that feels weird to me.

I also realize I have not really been seeing any other friends since we started talking and I was late to a hangout with J, which isn't like me at all.

Ack, I want to make more *friends* but I don't really know how... thinking about this a lot. Romantic relationships come easy, but all others are mystifying... idk if I should share this here. Yay

1/14/24

Spent the whole day with M. I was anxious, but it was good overall. We played one of his favpurite board games that was like chess with time travel and murder (wild!!)

We finally decided to go grab dinner and as we walked into the resteraunt, I made direct eye contact with my ex. It was the first time I'd seen him since the *last* time. He was there with our old best friend. I havent spoken to either of them since everything ended. Luckily, I kept my composure long enough to ask M if we could go somewhere else and walk out the door.

The moment I got into his car, I went into a panic attack. I felt so bad. He was extremely understanding, but I still feel like shit. We decided to go somewhere else and I was able to work myself down. But then, I realized I had no clue where my wallet had gone in the whole ordeal.

It's just gone. I guess I dropped it as we were leaving and someone grabbed it. I'm so fucking frustrated about all of it. M stayed longer and we made some tea and watched Adventure Time, but I just couldn't stay present at that point.

I hate that out of all of this I'm more upset about the interaction with my ex, than my missing wallet and reaction with M. I hate all of it. I wish we'd never met. I wish I could take it all back. Bc I'm just stuck in it. It ruins everything. Fuck.

1/13/24

*OPRAH'S FORMER SPIRITUAL ADVISOR FOR PRESEMIDENT*

Working on a print and trying my best

Talked to M about some of the ~deep lore~ but quickly shut it down. There's so much to say and it's wayyy to early to get into it all. At least he was chill about it. Freaking out internally, but honestly, that's normal.

Went on a walk with M and almost froze my ears off.

Had a good conversation with J too. I'm really grateful he felt comfortable enough to share his feelings with me. Vulnerability is hard and it'll be an adjustment if he decides to come out to stl, but I hope that he does. He's one of my favourite people and no matter what, I'm so lucky to have him in my life.

Just hoping that I don't mess it all up as I'm often prone to do.

Portal 2 is kewl... tried that out w/friends and lost my mind. At least I was entertaining.

Gotta catch some sleep. Here's to dreaming.(Wooo, go dreams!!)

1/12/24

work is back to being chill... i come here to make art, not do my actual job, so that's good

i honestly really like this job, but it plays on my fears of being ingenuine. it's a service job. a call job. of course I'm not actually delighted youre coming down to the Garden or super pumped we fixed your password. but even still, the apathy bothers me.

good rant with the coworkers. i don't feel bad anymore

I deleted twitter & tiktok a few days ago and it feels weird. I want to use my time in more productive ways, but its giving me anxiety. I would play something, but my fingers are still fkd from yesterday's. Woe is me.

1/11/24

One of those days waking up with the feeling of dread. Breathing exercises.

Today *should* be good. I'm supposed to hang out with D today and go climbing with M. And I know that's why. Social things just scare me now. I'm aversed to just being.

Today went so well. I've been working on opposite action and I didn't cancel!!! I stuck it out this time.

I always forget how chill things are with D until we hang again...

Climbing felt so good, but we got battle scars dudeee *insert twilight reference*

I guess i got what's called a "flapper", so there's a huge chunk of skin just like, hanging off my finger atm. Ouch... I also think I managed to form like, a blister on top of a blister? And my knee took a hit too. I know I'm going to feel it tomorrow. Like - it hurts to type?? But it felt good to move. To push myself.

There was one climb I was determined to reach before we left and I did! M was great and showing me the ropes (literally) and I hope we can go back soon :)

Was gonna go to the Heavy Anchor show, but too eepyyy

Gonna watch Big Top Burger instead.

I hope my arms work tomorrow :')

1/10/24

Laying in bed is nice. Makes me think of the wise words of Brian Jordan Alverez ft. TJ MAC "sum people say it is bad, but sitting [laying] is actually good bc u deserve to relax"

Finished rereading Cat's Cradle and maybe understanding where so much of my cynicism comes from. Oops.

1/9/24

I'm up so much earlier than I wanna be >.< i made the choice to have a later appointment time to 8:45 instead of 8:15. It's small, but hopefully it helps. I'm kinda over it at this point, but I've committed and I've gotta see it through.

i have therapy todayyyy :^)

im hungry...

i've got M on my mind too. He made an impression and oops I'm obsessed.

I watched Saltburn and I think that was a mistake. I just feel kinda gross and sick. 0/10

I accidently went to an AA meeting this evening. I was looking for Al-Anon, a group for family members of addicts, but got there late. I realized something was weird when I walked in to an overwhlemingly large group of men. But the group I was looking for was called "Rainbow AFG", so I thought maybe it was meant for gay men (bc that makes sense). And everyone was so welcoming and encouraged me to come on in. *So, today is technically my AA birthday!!* I got my 24 hr chip and lots of hugs xD After that intro, I didn't feel like I could just leave because I didn't want to disappoint anyone. But, the guy next to me, Daniel, was a real one for keeping my secret and giving me the meeting schedule for the right meeting next week. Though, I feel extremely lucky to have been a part of that group this evening. Although I'm not alcoholic, my dad is. And though he isn't in any program, it gave me hope that maybe one day he could be. I was surprised at how closely I related with a lot of what was shared by folks. I have a lot of the same feelings and worries and regrets and I wonder if that's part of the result of living and being raised by an alcoholic for so long. I think I really want to find a community like that. A group to work towards something larger with. To be vulnerable and real with. What a night...

1/8/23

i can do hard things. sometimes hard things mean getting out of bed. sometimes it means doing the dishes or being kind to myself. i think i'll be alone today. make some art and not give in to the urge to research personality disorders for an ungodly amount of time.

*I got myself out of it today. Ended up doing quite a lot of self care instead. Got some cleaning done, read, learned some new things on guitar, and took a bath :^)

Started talking to a new friend this evening and it feels good to get to know someone new. People are kind of okay I guess and I gotta remind myself sometimes. The world can be safe if we let it.

Had a good reminder on living in the present and appreciating things for what they are and as they are. I needed that.

1/7/24

Hey there people of flounder! I guess I'm kinda new here, but I've got things to share. I'm not much of someone who goes hard on ny resolutions, but I do have a goal and it is a new year SO. I've been thinking a lot about identity and what makes up one's true self. And that's what I want to explore in the coming months.

So, I join this lil community with the intention of bringing authenticity and "realness" to the table.

Maybe some of it will resonate or maybe I'll look a lil crazy... either way, it seems like a good exercise.

I love seeing what everyone has to share! So many cool folks out there :3

(I'm recognizing this feels more like a blog post than a journal, but it felt weird to not give an intro before the unhinged shit to come)