Read only mood

From time to time I get "stuck" in these read only moods. Once I get caught in one I lose all motivation to do anything creative. That includes writing my blog here on Gemini, working on my hobby programming projects, even posting to Mastodon or Station. It usually lasts from couple of weeks to a few months.

During this period I spend my time watching TV (or YouTube) and re-playing familiar video games. I keep following stuff on-line, reading my Mastodon feed, checking the Geminispace from time to time. But I don't engage, don't leave comments. I apply this lurking attitude to my meat-space friends and family too; I read messages in group chats, but don't engage, I skip pandemic style group video calls.

In the tail end of the read only mood I get increasingly restless. The urge to engage in a more creative activities starts growing. I also start feeling increasingly uneasy with the amount of time I'm "wasting on YouTube". Objectively I don't consider my YouTube watching to be particularly wasteful, but I do start resenting myself a lot of it as I transition out of a read only mood.

In the transition period I also resent all the regular chores I have to do. While previously I wouldn't mind cleaning the apartment, doing the dishes or washing clothes, these all start seeming like obstacles to doing something creative.

Once negative feelings pile up I switch to a productive mood. That's the one in which I write, blog, toot, code, or at times even draw, game design etc. It's also when I'm more inclined to socialize in person (or over live calls). Although, as an introvert, I still retain tight control over my social calendar. 😄️

I don't know what precisely brings on the next change in mood. It might be related to the amount of work and stress at my job. I might also tire myself out with my productive mood. While focusing on productivity is fulfilling, especially at first, it does eat away at my sleep. My best guess is that eventually I grow tired and drift back to read only mood which, at first, feels real nice. Until I grow to begrudge it over time and switch again.

I feel I'm transitioning from a period of read only to a productive mood. In last week I've binged a few seasons of Office, countless YouTube videos, and finished a session of Sid Meier's Civilization: Beyond Earth (one of my go-tos). I'm currently feeling an onslaught of creative jitters.

Putting these words in writing has helped me think through them. I realize now that perhaps I'd be happier if I could pace myself and stay creative while not tiring myself out. Also, I recognize that Office is a great peace of TV, and no matter how creative I feel an episode of it now and then is probably a net positive in life. So here's hoping to a more balanced spring 2022. Let's see how it goes.

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