gemini://josipantolis.from.hr/gemlog/absolute-candor.gmi

I don't like the direction that the current batch of live-action Star Trek shows are going in. However, there's an interesting idea that showed up in both Picard and Discovery: an order of Romulan warrior nuns that practice, among other things, the Way of Absolute Candor. Members of the order are shown to always speak their mind, even when that interferes with their current goals. They are blunt and direct, and don't hold back their emotions or opinions. Having thought about it, I've realized this stands in contrast with my own character.

I think that I hold firm beliefs, bordering on stubbornness. If prompted I'm prepared to discuss them in details. I can usually talk on and on about things I care about. But I'm highly reluctant to share my opinions when conversing with someone with an opposite sentiment. Lately there have been more and more such occasions. Let me share a few examples.

I am a firm believer in vaccines in general and their importance for combating the COVID pandemic in particular. I'm prepared to urge for their use if asked for advice, but people rarely do that. More commonly I participate in conversations where one person just keeps talking about how skeptical they are about medicine. In those cases, I usually keep my pro-vaccination opinions to myself. I don't hide my vaccinated status, but I definitely don't advocate for use of vaccines as much as I could.

Another example is environmentalism in general and blockchain tech and NFTs in particular. I'm fervently against the use of proof of work backed blockchains and I see them mostly as a "solution in search of a problem". NFTs are a special level of stupid, in my mind. I often share these thoughts in snark remarks in passing. I also try to explain my stance to non-tech people whenever they ask me for my opinion. However, when a friend asked me to join their NFT powered gaming startup I politely declined. I did not go into a discussion on merits of the technology, I kept my anti-blockchain thoughts to myself.

Last example is about the fixation on Putin that the Western media have adopted when covering the Russian invasion of Ukraine. I find it a dangerous simplification of the current Russian geopolitical posture. It seemingly disregards over 80 years of foreign policy, first from USSR and then from Russian Federation, in favor of almost childish portrayal of Putin as a madman. However, I do not engage in discussions in countless social media threads that regularly spawn on this subject. I keep my opinions to myself.

Why do I act like this? It may be that after over two years I'm tired of the whole public discussion about COVID and have given up on anti-vaxxers. It may be that I value my friendship more than I despise NFTs. Or it may be that I'm reluctant to share views which might be interpreted as political. But those are all individual case by case explanations for a general pattern of behavior. I can't accept them as the real reason.

Digging deeper, I think I'm afraid of conflict. I don't know why exactly, since I seem to act the same in conversations with friends and strangers alike. I usually "let it go" and stay silent when confronted with people passionately expressing contrary opinions. Those are situations in which conflict is more likely to arise should I try to challenge them.

It feels bad concluding that I'm a coward, or at least tend to act cowardly in this type of situations. I'm compelled to find excuses for myself. Getting into conflicts could have an adverse effect on my relationships with people I contradict. These conflicts will likely not change anyone's mind, and as such might be largely pointless. These are all reasons why it might not be worth it to get into these situations.

However, I do feel disingenuous at the same time. I'd like to make my stances known. By sharing our beliefs we get to know each other. It can be a way to strengthen relationships, as opposed to just hurting them. The hidden fault in my thinking appears to be the idea that me expressing differing opinions would necessarily lead to conflict. Yes, expressing opposing opinions in a conversation can lead to awkward situations. And yes, people can get defensive or even outright aggressive while defending their own opinions. But I should also have more faith in my interlocutors. And I should try harder myself.

I should try harder to express myself without assuming a hostile posture. I should work on making my point of view more approachable. I should also examine my firm beliefs more, and be more flexible about them. Perhaps not in my core ideals, but in how the apply to all the messy corner cases of life. I can share more of myself by taking in more from others. I'll give this a try and see where it leads me.

I feel optimistic now. I was a bit gloomy when I sat down to write this post. But I feel writing this has allowed me to think it through. I've come to some, at least to me, new realizations. And I have a plan that sounds good. Thank you for sticking with me through this. Let me know if you disagree with me. Let's try to expand our worldviews together!

Absolute candor