Just Writing

Two years ago I wrote about writing. I thought the main barrier that kept most people from writing was environmental distractions. I claimed "stress, anxiety, sleep deprivation, or other mental issues" played a role, but often the issue was "whether or not you chose the right font, whether that section should be in italics, or if that paragraph should be colored red for emphases [sic]". Those might have been my excuses for not writing then, but its far from my main inhibition now.

Just Write

It's been two months since I've posted to my gemlog, but it wasn't mainly the fault of distractions. Instead, fear kept me from posting. Fear of readership. Fear of future repercussions. Even just fear of worthlessness and insignificance. The "other mental issues" play a much larger role in human psychology than younger me admitted.

This even applied to my private journals, which was the topic of my original post. I became terrified some future reader would judge me. It wasn't rational. I don't intentionally incriminate myself when I write, and no one has ever read my journals. But it was the same fear that hindered me.

Right now I'm feeling better. I'm writing this after all. I'm simply in a better mental state. I don't know why I'm in this cycle of calm -> overwhelmedness -> anxiety -> depression. I just experience it. I never took mental health seriously. before I ever experienced overwhelming depression for myself, I assumed the undeniable cure was to "look outside of yourself". I now realize that's not true. These feelings are deeper than one what decides to do with them. Resolution is a battle, not a button.

I used to disregard what other people's opinions on my thoughts and actions. I did what I felt like doing, only feeling personal turmoil when God showed me I was doing something wrong. I didn't take anyone else seriously, for good and ill. Now I care tremendously. I wonder what happened.

Like with most things, the ideal spot is between those two extremes. Where? I'm still figuring that out.

I value honesty and vulnerability, but I haven't been able to practice them the way I'd like. Fear and anxiety stop me from doing the things I love, from caring for those whom I love, and from being honest with myself and others. It's devastating.

Jesus said not to worry. That's good advice, but it first requires grabbing hold of one's emotions. Without that control, avoiding worrying is vanity.

~ Josias, 2022-07-29

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Overwhelmed