A Lot Has Changed (from April 15, 2022)

I wasn't able to write for months

Like my words were stolen from me by some unknown force

And the weight of knowing that I had become empty was smothering

Especially when I usually feel like an overfilled cup of water

Way too much in me, making a mess to be cleaned up

Now I'm stuck in-between

Fluctuating days like the changes between seasons

A slightly different person every sunrise despite desperately searching for

Moments of fleeting stability

Trying to find myself

Trying to hold myself together so the ones I love

Don't cut themselves trying to pick up my the shattered and sharp pieces of me

Still haunted by ghosts, every night, singing sweetly to coax me to come and play

But I know I HAVE to stay in this realm

Even though I don't know who I am still

Even though I don't know where I am headed

Even though I am scared of all the unknowns

And the numbers counting down in my head still change constantly

Each a step closer to zero

So I continue to search for ways, people, places, things

That make breathing feel less like a burden and more like a chance

For something more, something better