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Wrestling with nihilism

I think I read too much of the news. Not that being informed is bad but, well, I don't know if there's any benefit to reading article after article about the same topics. Reading about

The violence against protestors in Portland

The covid-19 numbers around the country

All the economic indicators that we're hitting a huge recession

The daily new conspiracy theories around everything

doesn't really help me beyond cursory knowledge. Instead I find myself just obsessing more and more and more about possible dark futures until I start to feel like there are no futures beyond the ones where everything falls apart.

This isn't healthy in any way, I think, and in particular this morning I got so deep in my obsessions (T pointed out that they're actually obsessions-in-the-OCD-sense) about "the darkness coming" that I was at a place where nothing felt like it mattered. All I wanted to do is lay in bed and stare at the ceiling until some kind of oblivion came. I know this is a by product of being raised being told I had the power of prophecy and prayer, that The Lord had blessed me and listened when I spoke. I had a strange, strange childhood.

But back to the depression & obsession: again, dear reader, Not Healthy. I have to stay off the social media like Twitter, even if that's where a lot of the friends I can't see in person are. Maybe I should, I don't know, talk to people more on Discord or over email? It's not like I don't have other ways of contacting people beyond Twitter and yet.


These days one of the things that makes me happiest is making and listening to music. I've been spending more time on algorithmic music (basically all in Tidal)

Tidal web site

My own youtube archive channel of weird music

and I think I'm getting both

better a n d


I have so much I want to record and post, with samples of SAM (yeah, the commodore 64 voice synth), my own glossolalia (again, weird childhood), and a lot of work on randomized chiptune melodies.

wiki page for glossolalia, aka "speaking in tongues"

Okay so I also want to buy music

I feel like this album is just mocking me because video game soundtracks on analog synths is my jam, jelly, and secret weakness that compels me like throwing rice in front of a vampire

Metroid on analog synths

Game design

I deliberately didn't work on coding for my gamejam game today because I needed some rest and wanted to spend time writing and dealing with all my hecking feelings instead. Tomorrow I should be able to code up some of it and I'll be probably using TIC-80 and maybe one of the other languages it's compatible with these days

TIC-80 website


I kinda want to use my rawtext space for showing off my generative poetry efforts (I'm not generating the poetry, I'm generating the forms and shape of the poetry, I still have to write it). Once I've got it going it should be viewable from

this site

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