My aunt has passed. More accurately, my aunt passed away at least a month ago, but my parents went to visit her on monday and discovered her in her home, deceased. She lived alone and never married or had children. She loved dogs. Her dog was unfortunately also found dead. I wasn't especially close to her, but then I'm not especially close to any of my family. Because she was independent and lived alone, I felt a kinship with her. I wish we had been closer, but she was my dad's sister, so I couldn't really be close because my dad made himself the gatekeeper of my family relationships. My aunt also got saddled with taking care of their mother until she passed and I'm pretty sure grandma was emotionally abusive and not a nice person. I doubt she was kind to my aunt. My aunt always felt awkward, like she tried a little too hard to fit in and she didn't know how to be herself so she just echoed what other people said. Probably because her mom was a bitch. So my aunt seemingly had a hard time building relationships and spent a lot of time alone. And she died alone.

On the one hand, there's worse ways to go than in your own home. She lived a long life, especially considering her smoking habit. I hope she didn't suffer. I hope she passed in her sleep. On the other, feeling a bit wretched because none of us as family members noticed her absence and checked on her. She didn't deserve that. I could have done a better job as a niece and stayed in touch. Things you only think about after the worst happens.

Last week pluto crossed into aquarius, together with the sun. Pluto is now trine my natal moon and will be for much of this year. When pluto was transiting square my natal moon, my best friend died. Trine is supposed to be the easiest, more harmonious aspect, but it's pluto and pluto is never about fun. Pluto "transforms" (some say kills) what it touches, and the moon is about emotions, intuition, and relationships with women, especially the mother.

I had been thinking about this transit of pluto on the first degree of aquarius - one of my septile points. Since the sun kicked it off on the 21st, I'd been thinking about doing seven big goals for the year as the sun moves from point to point. Tackle some of those intimidating need-to-dos I've been ignoring, and feel like a real person again. Astrology makes for a lazy person's way of setting deadlines. Don't know when to do something? Check out your transits and pick a date that way. Good a method as any. Gives things an air of extra significance. Ha ha, the universe says we do this.

I'd thought about trying to reestablish contact with my mom before the sun hits the second point on 3/12. My mother's birthday is 3/5. I've been meaning to reach out for the past year or so, since I stopped communicating with her in June of 2020. I just can't find the right words and I can't ignore it. I've written messages to her I never send because I can't figure out how to say what I need to say without ripping her up. How do you be honest when you know it will gut someone, but if you're not honest, you aren't doing right by yourself? I was never taught how to express myself - everything was about catering to other people's feelings and keeping up appearances. If you (and there's a sexist christian angle to this, so it's a pressure specific to people considered lower in the social pecking order, like women and young kids) have unpleasant emotions, you shouldn't spoil other people's experiences by showing them. Just internalize that it's some failing on your part (maybe the devil) and find a different, better way to look at the situation that allows you to be happy for others instead. Because you should cultivate selflessness and eventually magically it will translate into rewards, instead of people simply using you like a doormat the rest of your life because you were well trained to put your emotions and needs second behind everyone higher than you in the pecking order. You wait for it to be your turn, but it never is, somehow, and then you just get irrationally angry at people you feel are skipping "ranks" in the social order and ignoring the queue. Which is how it gets enforced through the generations, from grandparents to parents to children. From church elders to church members. Everyone waiting for the day they're allowed to be real people.

I have to tell my mom that this system that she has internalized is utter fucking garbage and I really don't think much of the parenting I got. Also there is no chance of me being christian like she wants and I never want her to evangelize at me again. Also Trump is a wretched assclown. I don't know if she still supports him (I'm really hoping not - I gave her a good earful to think about). It's been over three years and I still don't know the magic words to do this. I'm still gatekept by my dad's existence. I still feel the pressure to put on the "happy family" illusion he wants. I can't talk to her over the phone because he listens in on phonecalls (always has). I can't write a letter because if he finds it he'll read it. I don't want to deal with the drama he might make of it. I don't want to deal with him at all. I know his mind isn't what it used to be. Maybe he isn't capable of throwing tantrums anymore. I still somehow want to make sure he can't get angry. How sad is that.

So my aunt has passed. My mom tried to call me but I had my phone on DND because spouse and I had a bad cold over the weekend and I was trying to rest. She ended up texting spouse the news. She says there won't be a funeral. I need to text back my condolences and see if they need anything. I could fly down and help clean or whatever. I don't know what the state of my aunt's house is or what will be done with it. Benefits of being unemployed, I guess. I can go down and help.

We got another foot of snow - we've set a record for the quickest 100" of snow this winter. We've also had our winter cold snap the past couple weeks, in the 0 to -20 range. I've been a bit of a weenie and not wanted to take walks. It is hard on the lungs when the temps are below 0. We need to get the roof rake out and take some of the snow weight off the roof, but I want to wait until this weekend when temps are higher, hopefully in the teens if we're lucky. We got snowshoes this winter and I'm hoping it will make the roof raking easier since we won't be flailing in hip deep drifts. Theoretically we will be on top of the snow, with a better angle. Also we have the snowblower to deal with the piles that come off the roof, and that's a big improvement over last year.