On Saturday when the moon transited my natal jupiter in cancer, passing one point of my septile pattern, I thought I'd light a candle and listen to some appropriate music. Why not? Why not mark all seven points as the moon passes them for funsies? Sure. So I started with Hey Jupiter (dakota version) by Tori Amos and then played whatever seemed to fit the nearly-full-moon vibe. Fetch the Boltcutters by Fiona Apple. She Wolf by Shakira (not my favorite but is a magnificent earworm for a particular mood). If Tori Amos and Fiona Apple don't have some deep full moon vibes, then I don't know who does.

(Youtube wanted me to play "Drops of Jupiter" and I've always had massive hate for that song. You'd think it would be exactly the kind of song I would like, but it's just a pile of insincere mush with an awkward tempo. I get to "drops of jupiter in her haaAAAAAAaaaaiiirrrrrr" and I am launching myself at the radio to change stations.)

So I played random this-and-that and ran across this really dense astrology discussion on minor aspects and it's a mind bender. There's not much available on septiles, because it's oddball and the 51.4deg separation is tough to recognize without a computer program to point it out. It's a funny little geometric curiosity and I watch it in my chart to see if I can puzzle it out. Supposedly it relates to the paranormal or something otherworldly, but I am not psychic and haven't had any exciting paranormal experiences or can claim any talent. You would think, by now, I would know. As a kid I read "girl with the silver eyes" and "juniper game" and tried very hard to be telekinetic or have ESP and the result was jack shit. I haven't seen any ghosts, or UFOs. I like astrology but I don't have the talent to be an actual astrologer. I can barely meditate, def no astral projection or enlightenment. I'm not an "energy worker", I can't see auras or talk to animals (Cat def doesn't listen to me). I don't have anything but idle curiosity for the various occult magic orders. As a woo-woo person I suck at the woo. I have a good intuition and good hunches but that's just ordinary pattern recognition, paranoia and educated guessing. I have weird dreams, but find me a creative person who doesn't. So as far as I know, there's no obvious septile "otherworldly" distinction to me and I have half a pattern in my chart so you'd think it would be clear by now. Perhaps I am a late bloomer? Where's my cool septile superpower, huh?

Supposedly David Bowie had a strong septile emphasis and he had that otherworldly "alien" energy. Someone who lives outside the box. I suppose that makes a certain kind of sense, because it sure does feel like I have to work extra hard to translate myself to others. It's exhausting. It's a common human experience to feel like an outsider, disconnected. "The Middle" by Jimmy Eat World was a hit song for a reason. So, is it garden variety human awkwardness, same as anyone, or did I get third helpings at the weirdo personality buffet?

From Fantastic Mr Fox, one of my favorite movies:

MRS. FOX: Ash, I know what it’s like to feel 'different'.

ASH: I’m not different. Am I?

MRS. FOX: We all are, him especially. But there’s something kind of fantastic about that, isn’t there?

ASH: Mmm, not to me, I prefer to be an athlete.

So one of the tattoos that I got a while back spells out "extraordinary". I was in that half unconscious state between waking and sleeping, and it felt like a man was sitting at my bedside, and he said conversationally, "It's a dangerous thing, believing you are ordinary." That's all, and he was gone. I heard it in my ears as if it were real, but I understood it was wholly in my mind. I occasionally get voices like that when I am drifting off, but lots of people do. And he's right, it is dangerous, because it hobbles your expectations and limits you to what you believe are "possible" choices and experiences. But the big question is, when do you accept being separate/exempt from the "ordinary", and when do you need to embrace being "ordinary" to renew your social connection with general humanity? There's pluses and minuses to both. It's lonely being separate from the broader group, and you are saddled with a greater burden of responsibility and effort and risk for yourself. But to reap the benefits of being part of the group, you must tolerate the pressure to give up a certain measure of your freedom and individual expression.

In an ideal world someone would use their individual "extraordinariness" to complement and strengthen the larger "ordinary" group, I suppose. Lately I have been thinking it is important to involve myself in fostering a community. Be less focused on "fixing" myself and what the payoff might be. It's like the grey project - am I doing this with a narrow minded goal of "fixing" myself so I can get back to being a good little worker bee, make product and harvest the funny green papers everyone likes? Is that success? "Dear universe, please help my brain fit better in the horrible machine that is eating the world so I can be a successful thoughtless glutton instead of a depressed thoughtless glutton." I dunno about you but that doesn't seem right at all. So perhaps the ultimate grey project goal is to be something larger than the individual, in service of the collective. And lucky for me, we are in a time when people need those local connections fostered. There's a place for me to work, if I'm in the right mindframe to get in the game and spend the energy.

I'm pretty focused on septiles but I have a couple quintiles. Moon-neptune and saturn-uranus. The saturn-uranus one is mildly interesting because it forms a polygon - uranus trine jupiter, jupiter septile saturn, saturn quintile uranus. Saturn makes no major aspects in my chart (peregrine), so the only outlets are this septile and quintile. It's a funny little puzzle - I've been studying my chart for years and didn't know the polygon was there. Maybe someday I'll book some time with a real astrologer and talk about it. Sometimes pondering your chart can help you see yourself in different ways and give that little extra push to try new things or think slightly different about yourself. Sometimes it's enough to believe you may have a talent or an affinity to pursue genuine growth. Astrology is just a way of getting an outside perspective on who you are and could potentially be. Maybe it gives you a little courage in an area you didn't have before, or points out a nasty personality habit you were making excuses to keep. You can have friends do this same thing, true, but once you're out of your twenties it's tough to find the deeper sort of friendship with someone who will sit around for hours and talk impartially about your talents and weaknesses and give you that helping hand out of a rut. These days you have to pay a therapist or a life coach to get that focused attention. I think astrology is a little bit of a DIY shortcut to that kind of insight. Like a rubix cube of yourself, you can turn it in your hands and see it from different angles. It's as shallow or as deep as you make it.

Anyway, if I weren't interested in astrology and all I knew was snickering at the biannual "hurr durr the constellations have moved so astrology DUMB" post that floats up from the bowels of reddit this discussion would certainly get me curious, because even though I have been following my transits and such for over a decade now, and I can rattle off the sign rulerships and other factoids, there was still a lot of new (to me) concepts in there that kinda blew my mind regarding the density of the astrological symbology and the mechanics of why it is what it is and how it evolved. Like there's kindergarten level astrology (wHatS yOuR sUn SigN??) and high school level astrology (mercury RETROGRADE oh no!!1!), and this would be like masters or doctorate level astrology concepts (why even use the zodiac?). So, is interesting to think about things in new ways.

Minor Aspects in Astrology, with Rick Levine

(I saw an headline on CNN a while back about mercury retrograde and I legitimately did not know who to feel sorrier for, CNN or the astrology community. Everybody got shit on there. CNN, for pushing puff astrology drivel on a supposedly serious news site, and astrology, for once being the exclusive knowledge of kings and emperors and now reduced to lowest common denominator clickbait. "You got astrology in my CNN!" "You got CNN in my astrology!" Thus, we will get iamverysmart "CONSTELLATIONS MOVE! ASTROLOGY TOTES INVALID!" posts from now to the end of time.)

Everybody is well aware the constellations have shifted.

So Saturday I marked the moon-transiting-jupiter, and then Monday (the 17th, see there's a 7 in there) was the full moon in cancer, the wolf moon. I put all my goodies on the windowsill of the window that gets the most moonlight (it's been overcast but WHATEVER, moon is still up there). I wanted to add positive intentions to this pendant, but I also thought it sounded like a good time to cleanse some of my woo-woo stuff and get a fresh start to the year. I put my tarot decks out there, and on a whim I got out my absolute favorite ear hangers. So these ear hangers are hand carved fossilized mammoth ivory and they are the most gorgeous pieces of art I could realistically own. I LOVE these ear hangers, I loved them the second I saw them on bodyartforms.com, and then it took me three years to convince myself I had to buy them and then I had to hunt them down, because the original website couldn't list ivory stuff anymore due to california law or something. I purchased them from the artist who carved them, who was baffled that they hadn't sold in all that time. Because, in a weird way, I think they were made for me, and they waited around for three years for me to buy them. Ostensibly I bought them to wear when I got married, except at the time spouse hadn't even proposed, but that's the excuse I used to enable myself. And I did wear them at my wedding. $8 thrift store dress, $225 earrings. Figures.

I bet I can still find a picture of them online, because they are one of a kind. Better than diamonds, better than any fancy gems or gold to me. The guy who carved them said that it was difficult to get a piece of fossilized ivory large and clean enough to make them. Worth every penny.

If I had a horocrux, this would be it.

So I put the ear hangers on the windowsill, and my engagement ring with the little salt-and-pepper diamond. Just the things that are dearest to me, that mean the most. I lit a candle and I played the soundtrack from Sita Sings the Blues (an independent animated movie based on the Ramayana - it's remarkable and the music is great and I do highly, highly recommend watching it, you won't be sorry). Since it's Martin Luther King Jr's holiday I reread that one sermon of his that really struck a chord. "The Transformed Nonconformist". That is some good shit.

Then just before 7pm when the full moon was exact, I put on the pendant and I did the five elements meditation from the inayati sufi order. Back before the Calamity, I would take the metro to the local inayati sufi group when they met once a month at the group leader's home. I was always something of a tourist because it was hard to carve out the one evening a month, and I didn't have the time/resources for more workshops or events. But everyone was very kind and I did enjoy my time with them. (Obvs the group stopped when the pandemic hit.) They always started the meeting with the five element meditation. It is simple, but really calming, and probably the one thing that stuck. I always came home from the group feeling super chilled out and good.

I'd nearly forgotten that I did that. Seems like forever ago. But I still really like the Inayati Order - it's a western, progressive branch of sufism. Very open, very positive. Turns out they've got a lot more online now, so maybe I can keep my toes in that water. There's no group in Anchorage. It's funny, I noticed on the order website it says "A Sufi Path of Spiritual Liberty" - I am attracted to specifically that more than ever. That's exactly what I want, yes. Spiritual liberty.

Elemental breath meditation.

I'd cleansed the pendant in four elements before this (laid it in salt for earth, put it out on the balcony during the snow for water, warmed it in my hands and left it in sunlight for fire, passed it through incense smoke for air), so I figured the meditation was a good way to top it off. I mean, I'm making this shit up from scratch anyway, I do what I want.

Monday was really emotional. Not to be TMI but I started my period (figures I'd be synced up to the full moon this round, right?). So maybe it was hormones, maybe it was the full moon in cancer, maybe the snow and general cold winter feel, maybe the stress of impending move, maybe the new year. But it felt like the impact of the past four years is catching up with me. I told spouse, "It's like two years ago my leg got amputated, and I've been pretending it's fine, and now I'm realizing, 'Hey, my leg is gone.'" My leg is gone. Like I've been in "survival mode" to get spouse through this employment gauntlet and been so careful to make sure he is supported, holding my breath to make sure he gets where he needs to go. It wasn't safe to fall apart and risk taking him down with me. But he's passed the hardest tests and he's in a good place to finish, and now this move is bearing down like a tsunami and I just ... I lost so much of myself, the past two years and more. I don't even know how to go back to our friends. In a way, it's a lot harder than going somewhere new and strange. Like I've been in psychological war the past four years and I'm supposed to be happy about going back home, but I had my metaphorical leg blown off and I don't know how to talk about what happened to me (because I wasn't really even at war, I just sat on the couch like a lump watching the world go mad). This is a rough time.

So I'm feeling it. The anesthesia is wearing off. I've never been good at processing emotions. I guess it's good to bleed it off and feel it, instead of the alternative. But I feel so lost. Where did I go? What's left of me?

Very early thurs morning, the moon transited the next septile point at my natal saturn in leo. It's going to hit a septile point roughly every 4 days. The sun takes about 52 days from septile point to point. (51.4 degrees, a degree a day, ~52 days.) That's seven weeks and a couple days. The funny thing is I began the grey project less than two months ago when the sun was at the previous septile point, by my natal neptune in sagittarius. Neptune, the planet most associated with drugs and alternate mental states? Ha ha. C'mon, the universe is funny. So I'm thinking about timing my P3 opportunities based on the moon/sun septile transits, for lack of any better ideas. Tiny fractional amount for the moon, regular amount for the sun. See how that goes. I want to treat the grey project respectfully. This isn't just for shits and giggles, it's important. I like the idea of having my own private "clock" to mark time. I didn't pay attention to the passing of the seasons and the solstices and equinoxes until I moved to Alaska, but it's really neat to mark them and feel more connected to the earth and nature through them. It's just a different way to think of time, using a clock written across the solar system. They've ruined whatever holidays we have with commercial overload. It's good to have holidays that don't revolve around compulsively buying plastic or sugar. The downside is you have to invent them yourself.

For Saturn in Leo, I played Building a Mystery by Sarah McLachlan (been a long time since I heard that one), and Saturn by Sleeping at Last. I did the 5 elements meditation.

I'm thinking, once the moon makes it back to taurus, I'll do another round focusing on the chakras. 7 chakras, 7 points, right? Turns out there is no consensus about which planet(s) supposedly coordinate with which chakras. (C'mon, woo woo community, get your act together. Nobody agrees. It's a mess.) But there is an elemental link that seems solid - 1st (root) is earth, 2nd (sacral) is water, 3rd (solar plexus) is fire, 4th (heart) is air, 5th (throat) is ether, 6th (third eye) is light/transcendant, 7th (crown) is time/space/thought/transcendant. I was worried my planets weren't going to be in the right order, but turns out the zodiac signs match up well. 1st point in taurus (earth), 2nd in cancer (water), 3rd in leo (fire), 4th in libra (air), 5th in sagittarius (fire - jupiter), 6th in aquarius (air - uranus/saturn depending on what system you like), 7th in pisces (water - neptune). So I'm pretty happy about that. All this time I've been trying to figure out how to number the points and the natural zodiac order makes perfect sense, duh. So lucky for me, I happened to start all this P3 business with moon on the first point in taurus, coincidentally. Happy accidents.

So that's the sum of my oddball woo woo adventures so far. Makin' it up as I go along. There's no woo woo police, I do what I want.

Today I was going to get up at sunrise and start a p3 with a walk around the lake (today the sun is transiting the 6th point in aquarius), but temps are chilly (in the teens) and I am dragging my feet. I thought I'd finish writing this up first. Spouse won't be home this weekend due to another weather delay, so I don't have to drive anywhere. I got good food and treats yesterday and I think I am all set up.