I accidently locked Other Cat out on the balcony. Again. Betrayal. I made this insert out of a plank of styrofoam scrap that fits in the sliding glass door track, leaving a cat sized opening at the bottom. They like being able to go in/out as they please, and I like minimizing the AC/heating leakage to the outdoors. But in the evening it becomes a grand entrance for bugs, so I take it out. Well, Other Cat is a dusky grey color and it's hard to see her when the light is low. I put up a string of patio lights as a direct result (the first time she got locked out overnight). Anyway, I didn't see her. We heard this THUMP like a large bird had hit the sliding glass door, and then another THUMP. Spouse got over there first, and poor Other Cat, she'd panicked and slammed herself against the glass when she couldn't get in. Her tail was all bushed out; she was scared. There had to be emergency cuddles and treats. Two hours later she was at her favorite spot, lying on her back with her little feets in the air, thinking deep thoughts about the universe, so she wasn't too traumatized. The first time, I never heard such angry, accusatory sounds coming from a cat, hours after I let her back in. She read me the riot act. Other Cat is not very bright, especially in comparison to Cat, who is some kind of feline Moriarty. You can tell her little brain can only handle one cat-thought at a time - but she knows what is important, and that's not being left outside with the predators.

--

I'm feeling pretty good lately. It's hard to quantify with no real data. I wish I had a working blood pressure cuff. I could be sleeping better, my neck still feels stiff and my ears are still a little stuffed up, but overall I do seem to be better. Mood seems better, feels like I have a bit more mental clarity and energy, haven't had any odd heart feelings or intense anxiety. Digestion seems regular. Hands aren't tingly. Vision seems slightly more focused. Very minor things. Like if I was at a steady 3-4 before, now I feel like a 5-6. Not enough to say it isn't a Dumbo's Magic Feather effect. The potassium does have a genuine benefit and that by itself is a big psychological relief, so it's tough to say what credit the thiamine gets.

Right now I'm taking:

Morning (first thing, with a little bland food)

- (2) allithiamine 50mg (TTFD thiamine)

- (1) active complete B complex (including 50mg thiamine HCI)

- (1) magnesium complex 600mg

Morning (later, with coffee)

- (1) krill oil 1000mg

- (1/2) zinc tablet 22mg

- (2) natural vitamin c 135mg

Night

- (1) magnesium complex 600mg

- (1/2) zinc tablet 22mg

- (1) trimethylglycine 500mg

Three times a day, 1/2 tsp powdered potassium gluconate in water (roughly 175mg per dose or ~525mg a day). (I tried 3/4 tsp dose and I felt ever so slightly off so I figure I'll stick with 1/2 tsp.)

Supposedly it's good to take magnesium, vitamin C and other B vitamins with the thiamine to help the body make the most of it. As far as the trimethylglycine goes, I've noticed nothing from it, positive or negative, except maybe it gave me a little gas. Someone said it helped them sleep but I've noticed no extra sleepiness beyond what I normally get from taking magnesium. I'll finish the bottle but it doesn't seem to make a difference for me.

Keeping the supplements simple to reduce the risk of anything reacting poorly with anything else. Going to stick with this for at least the next 3-4 weeks. No interest in increasing the dose from this level.

I was doing good on the intermittent fasting for a while but then I got out of the habit of going for morning walks and we ate too much comfort food and now I am almost right back where I started. Womp womp. I'm ready for a fresh try, hopefully now I can avoid the headaches that torpedo my motivation. Get my complete health back.

I made another round of the pumpkin brownie bars with some very small tweaks.

- 3 tbs molasses instead of 1/4 cup

- 3 eggs instead of 2

- Pepitas (pumpkin seeds) instead of pecans/nuts

- 1/4 cup ghee instead of 1/4 cup butter

Still good. Not as dessert-sweet, but sweet enough IMO. Sticks too well to a greased pan, so maybe I need to up the butter. I cut it into 10 pieces but I think I prefer the 8, because even though 1/8 is a large serving, it's perfect to eat half now and half later, or split one for breakfast with coffee. I mixed the pepitas in the batter and I wish I'd pressed them on top instead, even though they're more likely to flake off and get everywhere. For some reason they are the perfect size/shape/texture to approximate beetles and now all I think about is which one I bite is going to be a real bug. On upside, now have great idea for scary Halloween version.

Ran across shrubs (flavored drinking vinegar for cocktails) at the gift shop for the museum of the american revolution, because it's a drink from colonial times. They were on my radar before, but they're kind of expensive to try without knowing if you like them, and a bit niche to find in grocery stores, so I've never bought any. I think a bottle is ~$15 on amazon and it was ~$25 in the overpriced gift shop. I'm not paying that. But I do like the idea of a drinking vinegar. Well, there's recipes, the ingredients are simple and it doesn't sound hard (they made it in colonial times, how hard can it be?), so I'm going to make some shrubberies and try them out. I like kombucha and sour sharp tastes, so theoretically it should be good. Spouse does not like kombucha. Spouse probably won't like shrubs. More for me.

--

I looked at the stuff in Greg's "Making the Cut" amazon shop for kicks. I wouldn't buy any of it because it's exactly what you would expect from amazon - inferior polyester fabrics and lazy sewing/patterning to cut costs. (Nevermind a $100 pricetag may as well be $1000 to me right now, ha ha.) But his things are still nice and I hope he finds success. Maybe I'll aspire to own something real from him someday. Not an amazon version.

Someone on the subreddit for the show made a comment I thought was insightful, because some people were really upset Gary didn't win. They said that the show wasn't about who won at all - it was about setting up amazon as a place the poors think of when they want to buy "higher end fashion" as opposed to disposable clothing basics on the cheap. So all the competing designers are just borrowed credibility to that end. Which is very obvious when you see that all three frontrunners have a collection for sale despite supposedly only one winner. Because amazon knew all three would sell. As far as the peanut gallery audience's perspective, it looks like all three got the same prize, so nobody can be really mad that their horse "lost". The funny thing is that amazon shot themselves in the foot by doing exactly what any profit-focused megacorp would do: cheap out on fabrics, patterns and construction. Proving they do not understand the customer who would pay the higher dollar amount for something by a designer with a face. It's funny, really. But I guess the customers they want to keep are the ones that don't know better? That's the endgame, isn't it? Sifting out the 1% of rubes that will be the least demanding of quality and most impulsive with spending.

Sometimes I forget (and I've run into this over and over and always get super peeved until I realize it's not a bug, it's a feature) people who have a bit more specialized knowledge or experience with something are rarely the desired customer for a product/business. Sellers target the beginners, the unskilled, the uneducated. There will be all kinds of beginning classes and "easy" products and "shortcut" tools to part money from the ignorant. But there is a relative desert for the intermediate to higher level proficient. Suddenly the real knowledge or good mentoring gets much more scarce. 1) an average person simply does not have the talent/attention span to get to a higher skill level, nor is it profitable to tell them that, or you'd cut your customer base by 2/3 right there. 2) people with intermediate/advanced skills will be more critical regarding a product, because they can tell what's good and what's not. 3) people who've been encouraged to reach higher skill levels can start their own business and then become direct competition, because they'll see others at their level or less doing it and making money, being successful. The real money isn't in doing the thing at all, it's in teaching beginners to kind of do the thing and not telling them the truth. So why would any profit-chasing business target intermediate/advanced level customers? They'd be stupid to do so.

So thanks to greed, we end up drowning in beginner level, overly optimistic, bottom feeding sorts of businesses/products/schemes. There's no incentive (even negative incentive) to support people with intermediate/advanced skills.

I've seen this over and over on the small scale in dance, art, sewing, online services, hobbies, classes, etc. Why is college so expensive? Well why would anyone want more educated people in the world? You sell them the knowledge, sure, but you don't want to create real competition for yourself, and if you must, you better make sure you're being compensated enough in the short term. Why is everything so useless and cheap and stupid. Because it's the most profitable that way.

I always get mad and it takes me a sec to remember. Oh yeah, I am def not the target market. For anyone. I am not profitable (even if I had money, I'm too strategic in spending it). That why things seem deliberately engineered to make me angry. They aren't for me. I'm in the shallow part of the bell curve nobody wants doing anything, because all I do is interfere with the real agenda: milking the happy-face rubes. It's not a bug, it's a feature.

I am interested in going through my closet and seeing what I can recycle/modify. For a while I liked going to thrift stores and treasure hunting. But some things weren't practical for everyday wear and maybe I've never even worn. Maybe I loved the fabric but the cut was wrong, maybe it was sleeveless and I never found the right topper, or it's fancy but I never go anywhere fancy enough, etc. I should pare down my clothes for this move anyway. So I'm looking to get really creative with what I have, and I feel like Greg makes for good inspiration. I have this bizarre cream colored unlined wool capelet with an ugly chunky fringe. I don't wear cream but I bought it because the material is very good quality and it was only a couple bucks. Sometimes I bring it on car trips as a wearable blanket. I'm thinking about getting a wool army blanket and recutting the cape with geometric inserts. Maybe I could make something interesting out of it that way, something I would want to wear in public. Anyway, I have Ideas. Make myself a bunch of super weirdo clothes. Be the artsy poor equivalent of that conspiracy theorist who pastes messages all over their car in reflective stickers. Yessssss.

Maybe all the solitary time is getting to me? Normally I stick to looking boring conservative practical (aside from the piercings & large earrings & tattoos & buzzed sides of my head but that's a mainstream look these days). But, ha ha, who the fuck cares anymore. There are no rules. The crazy is calling from inside the house. Listen, there was an agreement with the larger traditional social construct (namely, justice and earned rewards for the hard workers and the law followers, a promise of a decent old age and opportunities for younger generations, sanity is maintained and in exchange I politely keep my crazy to myself) and that agreement has been BUSTED and why the fuck should I play the game anymore? Why? Nah. No more self consciousness because I'm out of step. I do what I want now. If the red hats get to be crazy then I get to be crazy. Fair's fair.

--

Once upon a time I got in a dumb relationship I knew wouldn't work out, but I guess I thought ... I'm not sure what I thought, I was just desperate for something shiny to distract myself during a hard time. In my defense, if I'd known what sort of person made a good match for me, I wouldn't have wasted his time or mine. But I didn't, and sometimes a fulfilling relationship isn't something you can wrap your brain around until you get lucky enough to find one, and I hadn't found one yet. So I just casually bumbled into this bad idea relationship on the off random chance that something that didn't seem at all likely would happen magically.

It was a mismatch. I broke up with the guy and he didn't take it well. He got stalkerish and did some weird threatening stuff, and got our mutual friends on his side and tried to manipulate me through them. I (foolishly) fell into the justify, argue, defend, explain trap, like I could somehow logic everything back to rights. If I could find the specific perfect way to express "my side", or if I could understand his thinking from his POV and correct the flaw, things would suddenly snap back to sanity. But he simply refused to accept reality. It made for a lot of extra stress and cost me the friend group. Because people who don't respect your autonomy and say stuff like "maybe you should give him a second chance, he's really sad" are not your friends.

The valuable lesson I learned from that mess was: sometimes, jerks just gonna jerk. There's no logic. Even if there were it doesn't matter. There's no obligation to tie your brain in knots to understand their POV, or make them understand yours. They are jerks. Jerks gonna jerk. That's all it is. You don't have to torture yourself trying to make sense of it. Unburden yourself from the drama and move on.

I'm feeling that way with the state of the country right now. The state of the pandemic, the state of government, the state of politics, the state of the environment. It's a three ring circus of big top insanity. Everyday there's some fresh new hell, scary new doom (more real than I'd like), and very little real justice. I've felt the keen outrage and the despair. I guess I'm just ... done with it. It is what it is. Jerks gonna jerk. Take what sanity you've got left and hold it tight. Make the best of it. Be sensible but not reactive. See the sanity in others and try to foster it where you can. It's a sad trombone revolution, I guess. Doesn't have the satisfying sass of a keyboard warrior tweet. Not gonna get in debates, 'cause why? We have google and smartphones, for god's sake. If people want to peek over the hedge of their particular echo chamber, they can. They don't want to. They want to take their turn being the ringmaster of the spectacle, stoking the drama, basking in the artificial highs and lows and egging on fistfights in the parking lot. Okay. So be it.

There are things that are real in this world. There's still truth and everyone knows it, deep down. We are but dust and shadows.