And back to the normal routine. Vacation is great, but sometimes it just means more work (more cooking) and a wonky schedule and wonky diet.

I've upped my TTFD thiamine to 100mg and having a mild headache so far. Either that or it's the consequences of overdoing it on spotchka/carbs, also quite possible. Otherwise feeling pretty good. Still having some difficulty with consistent good sleep.

Spouse's birthday is coming up, which means I should probably finish one of the projects I have in progress for him. Notably I was making a custom wall mounted shelf for his RPG minis. I got all the wood cut to size and stained (currently languishing behind the door in the hoard room). The sticking point was I wanted to do a fancy design in gold leaf on the backing plywood piece before assembling, but I hesitated to pull the trigger on the design art. I suspect it's too elaborate and I'll really really hate myself once I get a few hours in. Spouse has this thing for dwarves so I shamelessly ripped off some of the background art from the "diggy diggy hole" animated youtube video. It's super cool for sure, but it's a lot of work for a decoration that will be mostly hidden by minis. I'm going to have to take a fresh look at it, see if I can simplify. But if I start work on that today, maybe I can get it finished and assembled in time.

Processing some thoughts from some online articles and general observations. Looking for a direction, I suppose. I'm in a great spot to reevaluate and question myself. Things just seem a bit clearer than they have been in a long while. I feel like I have more freedom. Like, when you're younger it's easier to picture a hopeful future version of yourself. Anything seems possible. The older you get the more aware you become of limitations, and your future version of yourself becomes smaller and duller, until eventually you just hope you don't end up homeless and hungry. The question changes from "who/what do I want to be?" to "what is realistic for me to be?". One is not the same as the other. It feels like I am untangling myself from a few rigid assumptions.

I stumbled on this article on The Society of the Spectacle and it puts into words a lot of what I don't have the education or eloquence to express. And I saw this flag at the museum of the american revolution that immediately stuck with me - a black and white flag with a mournful looking eagle and the words "NO UNION WITH SLAVERY". I know it was made for a different time and actual, real slavery is nothing to trivialize in comparison to modern existence. But I like the phrase so much from a personal perspective, looking at the quiet modern aspects of slavery we allow in our lives one way or another. It says something I feel is timeless and works on many levels. What is going on in your life that makes you feel like you have no choice? Is it true you have no alternative, or are the consequences just inconvenient? Have we become more or less enslaved by our reliance on convenience?

Illustrated guide to Society of the Spectacle

NO UNION WITH SLAVERY flag

So much is going on that is utterly abhorrent, culturally, technologically, etc. Even the author in the article didn't know how to fix it. He drank himself to death.

But I do know, and I do have faith, that anywhere/anytime people do not agree with the status quo that there is a small minority that will always choose to work on a better alternative that preserves their integrity. Like the Quakers who pushed for the abolition of slavery a hundred years before the civil war. There is always a fringe element that knows what is right and sticks to it. All I have to do is find the modern torchbearers and follow their lead. The best way to start is to do, because that's how we are recognized in the world. I need to speak so clearly with my presence that people who are on the same wavelength know exactly what I'm about.

And I guess that's the goal. That's what I want for myself. I want to be a walking, talking reminder in meatspace that that there is life outside the system - beyond the spectacle. I think that's the only way I will find likeminded others and connect with a larger overall purpose.