So I've been making sketches and burning them as an exercise in creation/destruction. About a year ago I made myself a set of art subject cards. Sometimes I feel like I should make personal art, but I can't settle on a theme or I don't have anything motivating me at that moment. Good ideas are plentiful when you are busy with other things, but then you finally get the time and can't think up a decent idea to save your life. I wanted to have the themes written down as a prompt to start drawing something interesting instead of noodling around with same-old same-old uninspired blah. So I got a leftover piece of heavy watercolor paper and dicked around with random watercolor splotches, and then I cut the paper into a business card sized set and wrote my themes on them. In retrospect, using cold press (rough) watercolor paper was a mistake, because my penmanship didn't come out very nice on the texture, but it's whatever, the cards are made and it's not like I'm going to show them to anyone. I ended up with a set of 30 cards.

I've been using my theme deck to pick a subject for my sacrifice sketch. But dang, I did not expect the heaviness of my themes to weigh on me so much. It is natural to have a bias for drawing neutral, pleasant things. Like flowers or pretty girls. Mermaids have been my default for I-have-no-idea-what-I-want-to-draw moments since I was little. Everybody likes to look at mermaids. But they're kind of like eating twinkies, not very satisfying. So my list of themes was on the darker side to kickstart me away from boring stuff, and now first thing in the morning I'm picking cards like "choking/suffocation/drowning". All the cards I have picked have been pretty dark. I mean, I'm drawing, but I guess it is different putting something on a list vs having it come up and slap you in the face. Like, jeez, why you gotta make me focus on dark stuff when I just barely finished my coffee. Guess that's the point, though. The nice thing about making your own cards is I can always add in more themes anytime I want.

I am so ready to move. The lack of a proper workspace has been more and more galling. I find myself daydreaming about what an ideal living space would look like. I wonder if maybe we'll be able to afford an actual house with a garage, if the COL is low where we end up. I really really want a giant worktable with good lighting. I want my supplies organized and accessible. I want permanent workstation areas for different tools. Why do we even have a couch? I resent this couch - it sucks and I could have a giant table here.

We had to resign the lease for the apartment last week. We signed a 12 month lease even though we fully intend to be gone before then, because financially it is better to pay the lower rent rate. If we only signed a 5 month lease, assuming we will be gone in January, the rent goes up by $600 a month which is madness. The penalty will definitely be less than $3k. People in the military can break leases without penalties. Spouse asked around at work if that applies to us too, because technically it is the government telling us we have to move on a specific timeline, and the answer is an unreassuring "it depends". Technically spouse has free will to turn down the job/move, so it's not considered the same as military. But supposedly the government will repay the incurred lease penalties as part of the moving cost. Spouse has a coworker who got the new job months ago and the government has yet to compensate him for the amount it cost him to break his lease. So we have to be financially prepared to give the apt management a fat sum and not know if/when we'll get it back.

Spouse has a redo fit test scheduled for end of July. We haven't heard anything about the background, but no news is generally good news. The really shitty part is if he doesn't pass, he will be fired from his current job. So we're assuming he'll pass, because anything else is horrific unthinkable disaster.

God I hate this. I'm so ready to go. There's no point in trying to make friends here or get involved in anything. It's like being at an airport and waiting for a delayed flight. Everything starts once you get to your destination. Until then it's limbo, twiddling your thumbs in an uncomfortable chair and trying not to count the minutes. There is both too much time and not enough.