Welp, spouse had his fitness test. Unfortunately, he was nine seconds too slow on his run time. I don't know how soon they will schedule a redo and I think he gets one more chance to pass. He did fine on everything but the run. He brought home ice cream treats and adult beverages, which for spouse is the equivalent of crying into a pillow while "Bad Day" plays. He says it's more a psychological problem than physical, and I agree. Spouse has a flaw inside him. He doesn't quite believe in his own success, and I think he is a little afraid, like it means too much. Maybe I should have been a bit more positive rah-rah! before he left, but then there's the risk of coming off as patronizing and he def wouldn't like that. The extra delay from this is disheartening and demotivating for him.

We chatted about this via text the next day, and he asked (rhetorically) why he was like this, and I told him it was because it was more painful for him to invest himself 100% in his success and then fail, then it was to anticipate failure, and he was protecting himself from that intense psychological hurt. I pointed out that as the youngest son, his parents failed to give him support and undermined him as an individual - made him feel like everyone else's needs and feelings were more important, neglected to help him succeed when it was important to him. Neglected to support his individuality. (Recently him mom has been on her red hat soapbox, angry that spouse isn't toeing the family line, guilt tripping him about christianity and such.) So he gets into these critical situations and second guesses himself. Personal success is so alien and risky that he can't wholeheartedly pursue it, so he ends up squeaking by on partial efforts that do nothing for his self esteem and make him feel like an imposter.

It's not a coincidence that spouse and I get along so well. We have similar family backgrounds and similar damages in some ways, and that gives us a sensitivity that can be very healing, because often people try to give others the thing they desperately need for themselves, but have a hard time seeing themselves as worthy. So in a way we are perfectly matched to support the other, because what one of us values is exactly what the other needs. Spouse values emotional stability, dependability, kindness and putting others first, and I need that. I value independence, agency, honesty and freedom of expression, and spouse needs that. It may be tough to advocate on behalf of ourselves, but we will definitely step up for another.

So I took the gloves off and dissected the hell out of spouse, and I made sure he understood that I 100% support him as an individual, and I'll help as best I can with food prep and such, but ultimately this fit test is something he must do for himself, on behalf of himself. "I wish we'd had this talk a week earlier," he said. Yeah. But it wouldn't have meant the same then.

He said the nicest thing. He said, "I've always been aware there may be a point where I have to play camp follower. I'm more invested in you than in (govt agency)." Like, that is just so sweet. Because I know how much he wants to work for this specific agency. This is our second time through their employment obstacle course fun house that weeds out anyone who isn't serious. He didn't just pick any govt job that would give him a paycheck. Also it means that in our polyamorous relationship with Uncle Sam, I am the prime. Ha, suck it, Sam.

I was going to write some astrology stuff about this transit I have going on that I'm excited about, but I wrote it up and then felt reluctant to post it. It's a weirdo obscure thing probably even other astrology types wouldn't care about, and it's deeply personal to me, so of even less interest to everyone else. Feel like I am in the middle of an amazing book and want to chat about it, but nobody else will have heard of this book or care, and all I'm going to do is bore the bejeezus out of whoever I manage to trap in conversation. ... but it's really cool, and I'm like, "aaaaaahh!!!" The short version is I've got a combined neptune and uranus transit that is activating an esoteric aspect formation in my natal chart starting this month. Possibly the most meaningful activation of my whole life so far. I have theories about it and everything, and I'm really excited/apprehensive. On the one hand I could ascend and become the Kwisatz Haderach, or on the other hand just get in a freak accident and die. Exaggeration, sure, but if my gut feeling is right then this is an important time in my life, but 'important' could mean I get some sort of Jamie Lannister tragedy and have to figure out who I am without my hands or something (I do not want this). Or very possible I'm Linus waiting for the Great Pumpkin and it all means nothing. The transit started at the beginning of May, is exact at the end of June, and continues on and off through the end of the year. Both neptune and uranus can be associated with some very negative things. Sudden accidents, deception. I'm not going to weenie out of life because the planets are making a scary shape at me, but frankly I am just SICK SICK SICK of character building and I don't want to scrabble around trying to see the silver lining in yet another stormcloud. I am tired. Dear universe, can I just get some fucking peace and success for a bit. Please do not drop an anvil on me, at least for a little while. Thank you.

I haven't felt well this past week and it has slowed me down. Mostly hormonal stuff, tired, cramps. Had a terrible headache, but only two days instead of three, so I guess that's something. Intermittent fasting is definitely reducing the amount of food I am comfortable ingesting in a sitting. I've read people grumbling about rising food costs. Intermittent fasting: eat less, save money, lose weight. :thumbs up: I am going to get my second vaccine dose today so I expect that will put me behind another day or so. Annoying. So hard to build habits and momentum when you get fucking brain clobbered every 3-4 weeks. And every time I perk up because I haven't had a bad headache in a while, that's when I get one.

I've been processing some of the stuff from thelastpsychiatrist (website & subreddit) and I feel like there are a few key things in there that are really important. The world has gone mad. There aren't any rules anymore. Maybe this was always so, but the past year has made it so blindingly obvious everyone (even I) can see. I remember the deep sense of despair I had, sitting on the bus in feb '20, when I realized the normal systems were not going to engage as I expected and we were really really screwed. But the normal systems always were a stopgap, a token attempt at "the world as it should be" from "the world as it is". All you have to do is look at our existing health care system to realize everything is insane and has been for a long time. But there was a veneer of civility and common sense that seemed trustworthy, at least. Not so much anymore.

1) We are steeped in a culture of narcissism because we have rewarded the path of narcissism over and over again. We live in an attention economy. The more channels we invent to put information in front of people's eyeballs, the more sophisticated and invasive the narcissism becomes because it has evolved over trial and error to say exactly what we want to hear. What do we want to hear? We want to be reassured that we are seen as who we want ourselves to be. We want to have our problems both revealed and solved for us, so we constantly chase quick solutions that typically involve nothing more difficult than having the means to purchase a product (accessories, travel, experiences, credentials, games, whatever). We want to find reasons to look down on others so we can preen about our own choices - we want cheap emotional payoffs via hate or obsession. I mean, hello social media, hello smartphones, hello current shitty dumbed down Internet. But also, it's our individual fault for choosing the quick and easy path of instant gratification when it presents itself, time and time again. We taught the mindless machine how to enslave us and feed us. We are the collective mindless machine. Point your finger at whatever you want, it's our own festering subconscious that led us into this. At least at this point, it's so transparent that everyone has a chance to be royally disgusted and disengage.

2) Narcissism has been normalized and almost all of us need to carefully detox our thought process (unless one is a Buddhist monk or a hermit or something). We are all infected and have adapted to the infection. If you're looking at something outside yourself to reflect back what you want to believe about yourself, you are cooperating in a narcissistic agreement. Maybe that's selfie likes or a diploma or hate reading an article about how awful your political opposition is.

3) What you really want, you cannot buy. If they're selling it, it's a placebo. The way out of narcissism is being honest with/about yourself. You are what you want. You are what you do to get what you want.

The easy choices are obvious. Abstain from social media, keep your data private and watch what you click on, resist the urge to buy shiny mass made things. But I'm realizing that giving myself backpats for doing that isn't enough. Recycling, buying organic or fair trade, making frowny faces at nestle, etc., these are all performative. Browsing reddit and commenting is performative. Voting is performative. What matters is what you do to make yourself a whole, complete person. Because anything outside yourself is illusion and temporary. The only way to take a real stand against narcissism is to be the whole, centered person you want to be. And that means doing real work, risking failure, and trusting your own internal voice instead of the howling din. That means being suspicious of cheap emotional payoffs.

This stew is probably only half done. Thelastpsychiatrist describe narcissism as a defense against change. So writing all this means nothing and is part of the cycle. Need something -> consume book/article for answer -> feel better temporarily -> do nothing, no real change, still need, seek out something new to consume. I like writing as a thinking/ordering process (obvs), so here I am, but all this is sound and fury until I step away from the laptop.

If you need the mirror to show you who you are, break the mirror.

I suppose astrology can be like that, too. Point at your natal chart and brag about your grand trine, or complain about your cancer mars or whatever. Set up your expectations and use them as excuses. I'd have been more successful if not for that poorly timed mercury retrograde.

(I still like astrology, tho. There's no logic, I just like it. I'll be irrational if I want to be. Can't stop, won't stop.)