1) I netted 2.4 nano running around the city, and I also caught the ISS overhead. Not bad, not bad.

2) Cryptocurrency going through some things this week. I didn't panic sell anything at a loss this time because I've only got monies in good projects, but my portfolio is sad panda except for ADA. I think there is more growth to come, but hey, what do I know. I bought a ticket on this rollercoaster and I'm gonna ride it (and hope I get my ticket money back).

3) I have hit another depression hole. I keep waiting for the adults in the room to show up and being solidly disappointed. Feels like the sociopaths still have free reign to run the zoo, and we were all told lies so we'd patiently wait in line and follow the rules. Are laws and consequences just a sick joke played on the poors? As someone who was tricked into thinking truth and integrity matter, I'm feeling pretty bitter. Walgreens has earned my ire; I've vowed to hate walgreens for the rest of my life now, and I will, because grudge holding is one of my useless superpowers. Spouse had some mixup with his polio vaccine proof, as in, they had it 3 years ago, lost it and are now demanding it. After wasting time looking for a physical paper, he decided to just go get the vaccine done. Seems like the easiest fix, right? Made an appointment online with walgreens for the polio vaccine. Cool, it's the future, we can do this. Show up to appointment. "Oh, we don't do those. Do you have a prescription? You'll have to see your primary care physician for bloodwork to test for vaccine antibodies." I see red whenever someone mentions primary care physician, because every poor person knows those are only for rich people. Like my lizard brain interprets "primary care provider" as "fuck you, peasant, go die in the gutter". Spouse and I have never had a primary care provider in our lives. How much do I fucking hate the health care system. So much. Want to burn down the whole mess, medical schools and all. Hated it when I was a kid, hate it even more as an adult. So now I am really pissed off that 1) walgreens let us book this appointment through pants-on-head incompetence, and then 2) fobbed us off to run around desperately for a generic vaccine, and I've vowed to boycott them forever, and they will never again get the whole tens of doolars I maybe spend once a year when I'm too lazy to go to a real store. This future is stupid.

(Spouse has since been able to convince them he had his polio vaccine.)

So I'm venting at spouse about this, and I know I'm overreacting about this appointment, but I'm so tired of feeling like a lab animal in a maze with no cheese and no exit. Like a mouse in a glue trap. I viscerally want to beat the living shit out of one of those worthless politicians. I just want to go crazy with a croquet mallet. I try not to be a violent person, I understand why the death penalty is bad, but holy fucking shit, I desperately want to john wick certain people. I totally get the base emotion Trump capitalized on to get elected, which is frustration. It feels like we must resort to batshit crazy extremes. There is little to no chance of me being in proximity of one of the aforementioned worthless politicians, and besides that I don't even own a croquet set, but if I saw one of them across the street and happened to have a croquet mallet in hand, I might feel like it was my destiny to make an absolute raging violent spectacle of myself. If there weren't a trail of fear piss and blood on the asphalt after I'm hauled off by the po-po, I would not have done my job.

I bet, for a few minutes, it would feel pretty satisfying. I'd be incredibly cheerful in prison.

3) Anyway, I've been in the dumps and spouse asked if there was anything he could do to help. But the problem isn't with him at all. On the small scale things are as good as they could be under the circumstances. It feels like the real problems are so huge and out of my reach that there is nothing he/I can do to genuinely help. Any tiny thing I can do is just mental wankery. Like taking a drop out of an ocean. Whenever I've suffered from deep depression in the past, once I accept my life must drastically change and I figure out a plan and lurch into action, I get better. Having agency makes me feel better. But what the fuck can I do here? I can't make covid go away, or snap sanity into a government that doesn't want it, or fix bigotry or racism, or magically erase massive disinformation campaigns. Helpless.

But it did occur to me that now spouse has the vaccine and spring is on the way, maybe I can vend at the local outdoor markets, because I bet restrictions will be loosening and they'll be able to resume operation. Before I started my apprenticeship I had researched some local markets and worked on putting together a booth, gathered materials to make sellable product, etc. The tricky part was making sure I could transport it all myself in one trip via walking or the bus. So it has to be lightweight, portable, small items, etc. I had to get creative, but I solved most of those problems and sourced some of what I needed. Then the apprenticeship ate my life and I had no time to follow through.

On the one hand, feels like I'm frantically dog paddling for the deflated life preserver that is my sense of accomplishment, on the other hand ... a shitty start is better than no start.

There is (or was) a local flea market held on weekends in a parking lot about a mile away. Starts in April. Fingers crossed it will still happen this year, because I can totally get myself over there. I know there's another farmer's market I can look into but it's an hour bus ride away. I can even reach further events if I take the metro. So this cheered me up a bit, because I do very much enjoy vending. I've been shaking my tiny fist at capitalism lately, but damn I love to sell shit. You make a thing, and then people come and GIVE YOU MONEY FOR IT AND TAKE IT AWAY and it's absolutely mind blowing. Selling in person is a zillion times better than selling online. As an artist you think, oh no, strangers, they'll make fun of my art to my face, but people are generally very kind in person. If you've ever wanted to vend your art or handcrafts, do it. It's good times and even if you sell nothing you'll learn a ton. If it's dead you get to chat up other vendors for local info and connections. Honestly I think that's the best part.

It's very satisfying to have that abandoned planning come back into use. Even better, I think I can add my newest mania of engraving steel cups. I made fun of myself earlier for wanting to jump into selling hand engraved mugs, but what the hell, as a side thing, why not? I can do simpler designs to keep the labor investment down and it is nice to be doing something tattoo-like. It's basically practice. I can keep doing it when I resume tattooing - I bet I'd absolutely kill it selling custom mugs at a tattoo convention. Plus the intersection of custom art on a useful everyday item makes me ridiculously happy. Like, that's my absolute favorite thing. Marriage of the impractical and practical. I want to do tattoo style lettering and art on various metal objects, and I won't repeat any designs, so each one will be unique.

Great, so I can do the little art pieces I originally planned to do (I wanted to make little coaster sized paintings that could either be hung on the wall or used as a coaster) and some engraved metal tumblers and such. Small things, portable, all originals. Useful. No copies. No "product". I'm thinking most items priced between $40-150. Maybe some showpieces in the $200 range. I sold the coaster paintings I finished for $50 each, so I know that's not too extravagant. Original art is a hard sell on a good day. I've watched art I didn't like sell like hotcakes and art I thought was incredible get not so much as a glance. It's less about the skill of execution and more about the strength of the emotional connection a piece can make with a buyer. There's a much better chance of selling 6 small $50 paintings than a single $300 painting, especially in the current economy. I know prints and other mass produced product are way easier to move and less risk to stock than original art, but I'm just not into that anymore.

I had a flash of inspiration for a brand name (jesus I hate the word "brand" but what else do you call it in this information age - you know, the shortcut name thing that identifies my stuff that isn't my personal name), tweaked it until I got something nobody is using, claimed the username where it matters. I could fork this under my tattooing identity but nah. I really like this new name I have come up with. It can be the toughest part of a new project - finding a business name you could mention in casual conversation and not feel lame. Kudos to you brain, you horked up something decent.

Spent three whole doolars on a domain name, even though it may be a placeholder because I only want to sell locally. Social media and selling online is, ugh, I'm so over it. Search engine optimizing and keywords and agonizing over descriptions. Product photography, huge time sink and pain in the ass. Crossing your fingers putting a package in the mail. Eating the costs when you miscalculate shipping, or postage rates change. Waiting for that one cranky customer to write a 1 star review and tank your ratings. I've done it. Who cares, who cares. It's a churn and a waste of attention. I'm fortunate, I'm not so desperate for money I must maximizing my selling outlets. The priority is getting out of the goddamn house and having some positive interaction. Ha ha, you guys, check out this weird shit I made! Look, it's art and you can put beer in it!

The big ticket thing I need to get is a pop up canopy. Serves as shelter from sun and light rain, a place to hang a sign so people know you're a profeshunal, and a place to zip up your stuff when you have to visit the restroom. A standard 10x10' would be way too heavy and difficult. There's a little 4x4' in mind that should be just about perfect and I am waiting to hear back on a color option. I have a portable 4' table. I have a folding wood trellis thing I appropriated from the gardening section that can expand into a 4x3' lattice for hanging product. Sort of like grid wall, but not rigid and heavy. Has a nice rustic look. I shall start a new fashion in craft booth fixtures, "garden chic". The idea is that I will use velcro ties to secure the lattice to the framework of the pop up tent and I can hang the small art pieces from it. One side of the tent would be lattice for people to browse, and then have the table on the next side for more browsing. It should all fold down to fit in my wheeled handcart for transport.

I would need to paint some canvas for a sign. I have cardstock, I can print info/business cards. I already know what to do as far as taking money goes, but I think I will also accept certain cryptocurrencies. "Be the change you want to see in the world, dummy." Nano would be super easy. Maybe Monero. Also I think I could set up a faucet on the wenano app to try to incentivize people to come to my booth. You know, for the whole 2 people that might care.

I genuinely love the logistics of planning for a project and problem solving. I love optimizing. I love sourcing and calculating costs/profit and making spreadsheets. Makes my heart go pitter-pat.

I'm looking at what waterbottles/mugs/cups I want to use as canvases. Ideally I'd have a reliable product I can reorder. Apparently there are no steel waterbottles made in the USA. There is one lone US manufacturer that makes aluminum water bottles (libertybottle.com). I would love to offer a completely US made product, not because rah rah patriotism china sux, but just to support domestic business/labor and stronger environmental regulations. What good is it performatively pretending to be green when we'll buy whatever sweatshop product is cheapest on amazon? So I'm gonna be picky about what I work on and that could add as much as $20 to the unit cost. But it suits the handcrafted, ethical, conscientious vibe I'm after. If my customer is someone who will see value in handmade art on a waterbottle, they'll appreciate knowing it all comes from a good source.

There's about a month until this flea market might start up again (fingers crossed). Now I have a goal and a reward and a domain name and some momentum. Better than nothing.

4) Read a bit on NFT crypto digital art and that sounds really really interesting. I have my own issues regarding selling art. Suffice to say that for non-artists it probably seems very straightforward (make art, customer buys, profit, be real artist) but the deeper questions of value and worth and audience raise a lot of issues for me. I used to vend my art products with no problems, and they sold, but over time I just ... I dunno, it messed with my creativity and inspiration. If your goal as an artist becomes making art that will sell mass produced product (and make you money), you end up a slave to the whims of a broad audience. You make "lowest common denominator" art. You start to hate your audience because they want drek. But the drek makes you money. Your audience now expects drek from you and they fawn over what you turn out, but in your heart you know ... it's drek. You don't want to make drek. So what you enjoyed doing in the beginning becomes this awful masochistic torture. I had to stop. Some artists don't seem to have this problem. Either they have a strong vision that anchors them against the push-pull of their audience, or they just genuinely enjoy catering to a broad audience.

Sometimes non artists (spouse's relatives, lately) try to make helpful suggestions about how I can make profit from my art, because they assume that selling many things and getting many monies is the ultimate artistic crown. They mean well. But the reality I have learned about art-as-commercial-product from vending, plus working in merch for 3 years, is that art-as-commercial-product is creative cancer. For me, anyway. I haven't figured out a neat non-insulting way to explain this to non-artists, that making art-as-commercial-product is not my end goal. At all. I mean, the average non artist would not see anything wrong with putting a "live love laugh" plaque on their wall that was made in the tens of thousands in china and purchased from Michaels (that soulless temple of pintrest approved evil, oh god, how I despise Michaels, but not as much as I hate Walgreens) for $29.99 while they were browsing for scrapbooking supplies. It's tough to be like, yeah, I think what you put on your wall as "art" is generic garbage and if I have cater to a mass audience I'd rather live in the gutter, eat from a dumpster, and draw in mud with a pointy stick.

Spouse's brother and wife were just visiting and they have been dipping their toes in the water of creating their own business. The brother is career military and has the option to retire in the next few years, so they are trying to decide if it's better to seek new green pastures or stick with the military. SWEET HORRIBLE FREEDOM as my former military roommate used to say. Brother's wife, Becca has a degree in theater and while she's a SAHM to their three girls, she's been pursuing auditions as well as writing young adult novels and screenplays. She's very smart and funny, I actually like her quite a bit, and I wouldn't be shocked at all if her storytelling is excellent. Anyway, spouse's brother has ideas of being a "life coach" a la whatever christian aspirational self-help dude is popular at the moment. Who's that horrible "girl, wash your face" author? Like that but for christian dudes. Benevolent patriarchy with a glossy cover. And yeah, I know, for a lot of men that's a tender source of pride, bedrock of society, salt of the earth, be a good father, be a good husband, be a good provider, head of the household, MANHOOD, "I can be proud of my penis if I want because men are the risk takers" blah blah, etc etc. That's all well and good, as long as christians purposefully leave room for people to choose something besides benevolent patriarchy without judgement. Some christians are better at tolerating non-conformity than others.

So spouse's brother has been working on setting up a business and a website and included under that umbrella is a publishing imprint for Becca's writing. She mentioned getting a real rejection letter a while back, so unsure if she's still submitting or just opting to self-publish. (Getting published the traditional route is really hard - no judgement there.) They've got the website and it's adorably homemade and cluttered up with these scattershot business ideas. The logos have that air of "why hire a graphic artist when I can learn photoshop myself!" I've looked at thousands and thousands of business logos and it is absolutely possible to pick out the homemade ones. Non artists don't see it though. They can't tell good design from mediocre. They don't know why it matters, aesthetically or practically. It's like trying to explain the mechanics of flight to a turtle. I keep my mouth shut. I have some sharp edged opinions and generally it's more pleasant to just shut up. Especially with spouse's family, I am very quiet. They roll in drama as it is, I am sure they would be thrilled to crown me as "best in-law to dislike".

Becca mentioned that part of their business was coming up with cute sayings to put on masks and selling them on redbubble. "Oh, you could do that with your art! You just design some stuff and make money!" she said. I like her, I really do, and I appreciate her enthusiasm for her new endeavors. I didn't want to launch into a lecture about the fact that print-on-demand is a predatory business model that treats its production employees worse than dirt and isn't good for the artists it claims to support either. Or that it's just churning out worthless landfill fodder. Or the fact that I know more about merch than I want to know and if that's how I wanted to make money, I'd be doing it already and you better believe I'd be absolutely killing it and not making pity-wages from redbubble. I said instead, "Yeah, that's not something I want to pursue."

It's like they're trying to monetize anything and everything about themselves. The brother wanted his wife to remember this thing he said so he could quote himself later, any flicker of creativity, even their identity as "happy christian family". I'm listening to spouse's brother talk about setting himself up as a life coach and he's basically trying to figure out the right angle so people who need help will give him money to be himself at them. "I'll listen to their goals and then check in with them once a week." He is genuinely smart and charismatic and a good leader. He might have the right stuff to make it as a life coach, or a politician. Spouse and both his brothers are all charismatic, natural leaders with military/law enforcement backgrounds, like their father. All of them on paper are the "conservative Republican" ideal. All of them are 6'+, objectively attractive, I-know-how-to-handle-myself-and-shoot-a-gun types. If you're seeking an alpha male to order you around, spouse's brother would fit the bill.

But life coach is so very influencer instagrammy. Proto-therapist without the degree. Like I'm watching the in-laws self-digest themselves and carve out what they can sell. They've read all the self-help books and now they want to do their own. Cash in.

Obvs I am not their target market, so I'm probably too harsh. I've personally benefitted from woo-woo self help via astrology, so I can't be too comfy on my high horse (except I never wanted to start a business as an astrologer and make money off others desperate for help). But damn, like, is this what the core conservative culture has become? Prosperity gospel? Is everyone going to stand around after sunday church and pitch their christ based self-help books, merch and coaching services at each other, while posting motivational pastel colored self-quotes to their social media? Didn't Jesus, like, flip a bunch of tables and get super mad about this?

Yes he did.

Do they know that they're really buying when they slap that particle board "live love laugh" plaque on the Michaels counter? Do they know what that thing really is? Or is that the new golden calf, except there's no Moses coming down to get pissed?

Maybe I'm just a special snowflake making too much of something we all must do - scheme how to trick stupid green pieces of paper out of other people so we don't freeze and starve. You can hide it behind a nice curtain, but we're all prostitutes selling pieces of our life for whatever we can get.

Back to the real topic.

The biggest deal with this NFT crypto art is that this is the first time I have seen digital culture move back toward valuing a one-of-a-kind original digital artwork by a real independent visual artist, instead of "product" like the print-on-demand mills. And that is very very welcome. I don't know if it's for me, but I could see how it would be fantastic for some and a true digital evolution of art online.

Could this potentially result in visuals online having a crypto identifier and potentially their display being controlled and regulated? Kind of like how copyrighted music is regulated with DRM? Maybe.

If the dominos fall that way, it could mean a huge shift in how visual arts are treated and displayed online. It could mean heavy handed corporate exploitation (what am I saying, of course there will be heavy handed corporate exploitation). It could uplift and legitimize independent artists. But it could also chip away a bit more at meatspace interactions, finding art at galleries, etc. It would further globalize and homogenize culture. It could unintentionally quash beginners and incentivize flash trends.

It will be a very very interesting thing to watch develop. I might participate. I might not. I've seen the cycle of online art galleries before. I'm just very excited for this new trend in valuing rarity and originality.