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Item #: SCP-7169
Object Class: Safe
Discoveries regarding SCP-7169 within the civilian scientific community are to be censored.
SCP-7169’s Tinder profile has been expunged. A Foundation-made webcrawler has been discreetly implemented into the site’s source code to screen for any future communication attempts by the anomaly.
SCP-7169 is a sapient, terrestrial exoplanet orbiting the star Alkaid within the Ursa Major constellation. The anomaly is roughly 12,000 kilometers in diameter with an approximate mass of 4.868 x 10^24 kg, and orbits its star at a rate of approximately 47,000 km/hr.
Although SCP-7169 does not possess any evidence of advanced civilization on its surface[1], the anomaly is capable of instantaneous communication with Earth via the Internet, which it has so far used exclusively to engage with the online dating service, Tinder. Barring one incident, SCP-7169’s activity on Tinder has been unsuccessful in finding suitable partners.
Terrance Cassidy, a Foundation janitor, discovered SCP-7169 while attempting to find a suitable partner during his off hours. Cassidy was reprimanded for his delay in reporting his discovery to Foundation researchers and was promptly fired.
> Cassidy: cool pics, make those youself?
>
> SCP-7169: You could say that ;] like?
>
> Cassidy: yeah theyre cool as shit!
> Cassidy: man, gorgeous, absolutely gorgeous
> Cassidy: howd you do it?
>
> SCP-7169: hehe, thanks
> SCP-7169: idk, really.
> SCP-7169: couuple billion years as a hot could of gas
> SCP-7169: lots of time as that gas getting hotter and turning into an iron core,
> SCP-7169: little more time waiting for asteroids and other space rocks to crash into each other. Simple stuff, really
>
> Cassidy: wow ur really into this roleplay stuff, huh?
>
> SCP-7169: You have no idea babe ;]
>
> Cassidy: so waht are you into?
>
> SCP-7169: o, you know, looking at cool rock formations, feeling the sun on my back
> SCP-7169: dodging sketchy asteroids, vibing mostly
>
> Cassidy: no i mean like, sex stuff.
> Cassidy: thats why youre here right?
> Cassidy: i mean, isnt that what people download the app for?
>
> SCP-7169: OH!
> SCP-7169: You shoulda been more specific, hun.
> SCP-7169: imreally into orbits
>
> Cassidy: Orbits?
>
> SCP-7169: Yeah. Ooooorbits.
> SCP-7169: Kinda freaky, I know
> SCP-7169: I hope you don’t find that weird.
>
> Cassidy: nah i dont judge
> Cassidy: ive never heard of someone with an orbit kink before?
>
> SCP-7169: I really like it when a moon gets all down and dirty with my gravity.
> SCP-7169: That tug and pull on my oceans just gets a planetoid’s core molten, ya know?
> SCP-7169: stuff like that makes my core quiver.
>
> Cassidy: shit girl im down withh taht
>
> SCP-7169: good, its been so long since ive been with anyone
> SCP-7169: there aren’t that many planetoids in travelling distance from me but_
> SCP-7169: I can literally see you from here.
>
> Cassidy: damn i can see your fine atmosphere from here
>
> SCP-7169: Oh yeah, talk dirty to me. Tell me what you’re gonna do to me.
>
> Cassidy: Girl im gonna orbit you so hard
> Cassidy: that youre oceans are gonna make tidal waves
>
> SCP-7169: Oooooh fuck yes
>
> Cassidy: im about to rock your world with planetary collision
>
> SCP-7169: Fuck ysss give it to me.
> SCP-7169: float around up in my nasty gravity
> SCP-7169: collide with my surface
>
> Cassidy: imma slide all my terrain on your surface
> Cassidy: and make you erupt all over my face
>
> SCP-7169: ogod, im gon n ablow
>
> Cassidy: Yeah, erupt for me girl
>
> SCP-7169: mmmy tec tonic plat es... my pla tes r
>
> Cassidy: spew that hot magma all over my crust
>
> SCP-7169: thers magma ans oot all seeping deep into my crust
> SCP-7169: why dont you get down in my mantle and...
> SCP-7169: magnetize it ;]
>
> Cassidy: damn girl, thats fire. imma get all up in thta mantle and service you
>
> SCP-7169: mmm yes you massive pit of gravity
> SCP-7169: wanna meet up?
> SCP-7169: i can zap you to me if thats easier
> SCP-7169: wouldnt want your star feeling any type of way
>
> Cassidy: dont know wht that means but im into it
>
> SCP-7169: gimme a few cycles. stay sexy ;)
Three weeks after the conclusion of this exchange, Terrance Cassidy spontaneously dissappeared from his residence during a momentary lapse in Foundation surveillance[2]. A number of contraceptives were found in dissarray within the residence, all severely burned. A large hole in the ceiling of Cassidy’s home was present, although the cause of the structural damage is unclear.
Since this incident, SCP-7169 and Terrance Cassidy have deleted their Tinder profiles. The anomaly has thus far not attempted to re-establish its connection to the site, or any other web address on the Internet. All attempted communications with the anomaly have been met with a single phrase response, detailed below:
> Happily engaged. Kindly fuck off my DMs
Investigations into Terrance Cassidy’s whereabouts are on-going.
1. Only naturally formed structures can be observed, such as mountains, valleys, and rivers.
2. The Foundation amnestizes all employees upon the termination of their service, in the event of memory relapse. Should this occur, they will be re-amnestizised. This event occured during a temporary, short term blackout that resulted in the malfunction of the security cameras stationed outside the residence.
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