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Item #: SCP-662
Object Class: Safe
SCP-662 should be kept in its red velvet lined case and stored in High Value Storage locker 23C located at ███████ when not being utilized for testing or other appropriate activities. The item itself is safe to handle, and poses no known threats of any kind, though the effects generated could be considered highly valuable and variably powerful depending upon how the SCP is used.
SCP-662 is a small silver hand bell, 4 cm tall and 2 cm in circumference. The bell is missing its ringer. Within the inside of the bell, an inscription has been etched into the silver, reading: “Forever Mine – S.J.W.” The bell is susceptible to damage; however, given its safe nature, destruction has been deemed unnecessary. As it is made of very pure silver, it requires regular polishing to remain without tarnish.
When the bell is shaken as if to ring it, a soft chime can be heard (although this does not come from the bell). A short well-dressed Caucasian butler of self-proclaimed British heritage, calling himself Mr. Deeds, will appear from the nearest area not within line of sight, usually from around a corner. Mr. Deeds will address the ringer of the bell by their appropriate title and last name, and ask what it is they desire. His knowledge of individuals’ last names and titles is a mystery, as he himself will purport. Please see interview log 662-L1 for further details.
Most reasonable requests given to Mr. Deeds will result in satisfaction. However, there are limits to what he can do. He is unable to produce very complex items such as sports cars, luxury homes, or personal jets. If he is allowed to leave line of sight and return, he is able to produce smaller, less complex items such as a ham sandwich, a glass of iced tea, or even more luxurious items like caviar or a brick of gold. A list of notable items the butler has thus far been able to provide to those who ring the bell may be found in addendum 662-A1.
Mr. Deeds will also perform menial tasks, such as washing vehicles, preparing food, and cleaning bathrooms. If a request is deemed unreasonable or impossible by the butler, he will kindly tell the ringer so, and offer an alternative if one may be had.
The butler is not immune to ill actions taken against him while in sight. He has been killed or injured in multiple tests, and will remain either dead or injured until he is out of sight. Upon return with a ring of the bell, all previous injuries will have vanished and he will be groomed and well dressed in his uniform, and ready for the next order.
A more detailed explanation of the jobs he can perform and the limits to which he may be put can be found in the aforementioned interview log 662-L1. Test logs relating to his ability to heal himself, and those of the properties of the bell, may be accessed by any level 2 or higher personnel. All attempts to catch Mr. Deeds "disappearing" have failed, as equipment will either fail or he will find a suitable unobserved spot.
Items:
Nearly any conceivable kind of sandwich. Human flesh has been requested as lunchmeat and politely denied.
Beverages, also of nearly any kind. As with sandwich meat, human blood has been requested and denied. Pig blood, however, was served promptly, still warm.
A brick of 99.98 percent pure gold (Mr. Deeds produced a brick of 99.14 percent pure gold, and apologized for being unable to provide the requested purity).
A brick of 99.24 percent pure silver.
A nuclear bomb (politely denied).
A hand grenade of modern U.S. Military grade, which performed as expected in testing.
A blue 1963 Corvette convertible (politely denied).
The board game Monopoly, which Mr. Deeds won on the first playthrough.
A Fabergé egg (politely denied).
SCP-███ (politely denied).
A bouquet of fresh-picked red roses.
A bouquet of wild “ternbusty”s (politely denied; “ternbusty” is not an actual known type of flower).
Tasks:
Cleaning of Dr. Mirth’s car: Performed to near perfection.
Washing of dishes accumulated from a day’s worth of meals from the cafeteria on level ██ of █████████: Performed, to much higher standards than usual.
Trimming of Dr. Mirth’s hair: Performed, but it turns out that Mr. Deeds is not in fact a very good barber.
Washing of Dr. Mirth’s laundry: Performed, and the clothing found to “fit better” in Dr. Mirth’s estimation.
Assassination of Osama bin Laden: Politely denied: Mr. Deeds claimed bin Laden was too well guarded and entrenched, but could not or would not give further details.
Assassination of a D-class individual a room over: Performed with vicious precision using a buck knife to the throat.
>
> Note: Further tests with regards to Dr. Mirth’s personal effects are to be forbidden unless approved by one level O5 overseer. You’ve been warned, Dr. Mirth. — O5-█
Interviewed: SCP-662-1 "Mr. Deeds"
Interviewer: Dr. Mirth
Forward: Interview conducted with SCP-662-1, henceforth referred to as "Mr. Deeds" for further background information and testing his anomalous capabilities.
>
> <Begin Log>
>
> Dr. Mirth: Good afternoon.
>
> Butler: Good afternoon, Dr. Mirth. How may I be of service?
>
> Dr. Mirth: Firstly, may I have your name?
>
> Butler: Certainly. You may call me Mr. Deeds.
>
> Dr. Mirth: Is that your real name?
>
> Mr. Deeds: It is not my birth name, no sir.
>
> Dr. Mirth: What would that be? And where were you born?
>
> Mr. Deeds: Unfortunately, I cannot remember my full name sir, nor am I positive of my birthplace, though I do believe it to be located in England.
>
> Dr. Mirth: Do you recall when you were born, Mr. Deeds?
>
> Mr. Deeds: I am truly sorry to disappoint again, sir, but I do not recall that either. Though it must have been some time ago, for I don’t believe that I was born in this era.
>
> Dr. Mirth: Can you approximate it?
>
> Mr. Deeds: Again, sir, I apologize for my lack of self knowledge. I’m a bit of a shut-in, as you know. (Mr. Deeds nodded at the bell and smiled)
>
> Dr. Mirth: What is the earliest mode of transportation that you can recall seeing in person or utilizing from the past?
>
> Mr. Deeds: Horse and buggy, sir, although bicycles were just becoming a fad with the wealthy if I recall correctly. Quite took off, didn’t they, sir? (Mr. Deeds smiled again.)
>
> Dr. Mirth: You needn’t call me ‘sir’ any longer; I appreciate it, but it’s becoming a bit grating.
>
> Mr. Deeds: Very well.
>
> Dr. Mirth: Why do you suppose that you cannot remember these things?
>
> Mr. Deeds: I...I can’t quite say. (Mr. Deeds shifted his weight in his chair and looked a bit uncomfortable for a moment before resuming his posture)
>
> Dr. Mirth: Or is it that you may, or will not say?
>
> Mr. Deeds: That may be the case, yes, perhaps I may not say, though again, begging your pardon, I do not recall why that is.
>
> Dr. Mirth: Very well. Moving on: where is it that you go to when you fetch items for those you serve?
>
> Mr. Deeds: Well, you see, ah... (Mr. Deeds’s face contorted momentarily as if he was in great pain, before he quickly reassumed a more relaxed visage) I don’t actually recall that either.
>
> Dr. Mirth: Why do you wince when I ask these kinds of questions?
>
> Mr. Deeds: I do not know.
>
> Dr. Mirth: Never mind that for now, we’ll get answers eventually. Now then, I have a request.
>
> Mr. Deeds: Very well, how may I be of further assistance?
>
> Dr. Mirth: I would like a glass of iced tea. And grab a glass of it for yourself if you’d like.
>
> Mr. Deeds: What kind of iced tea would you prefer?
>
> Dr. Mirth: Surprise me.
>
> Mr. Deeds: Certainly.
>
> Mr. Deeds stood and walked to the door of the interrogation room and tried the handle. Finding it locked, he turned and smiled at Dr. Mirth.
>
> Dr. Mirth: What seems to be the problem?
>
> Mr. Deeds: I must leave your presence to do as you request.
>
> Dr. Mirth: Why is that?
>
> Mr. Deeds: (Visibly uncomfortable again) It just is, Dr. Mirth.
>
> Dr. Mirth: Okay. Open the door, Agent Graves.
>
> Mr. Deeds left the room. He proceeded down the hallway, under visual surveillance via camera and Agent Graves. He paused momentarily at another door, shook his head, looked up at the camera and then at Agent Graves. Then he ran down the hallway and rounded the corner. Agent Graves did not follow, as he had been instructed to remain on guard at the door of the interrogation room.
>
> Still under camera surveillance, Mr. Deeds proceeded quickly down the next hall and continued throughout the halls of the complex, presumably searching for an exit or area not under surveillance. Finally, he stopped halfway down corridor 2D. At this point, all three cameras in corridor 2D malfunctioned, including two that were hidden. Exactly three minutes later, the cameras resumed normal functioning, revealing Mr. Deeds standing in the same position, but with a tray holding two glasses of iced tea in hand. He then quickly made his way back to the interrogation room.
>
> Dr. Mirth: Ah, you have returned. I was beginning to worry.
>
> Mr. Deeds: My apologies for the delay, finding a way out was troublesome. But not to worry, I’ve brought the tea, just as you asked. I do hope you enjoy it.
>
> Dr. Mirth: What kind of tea is it?
>
> Mr. Deeds: Southern-style sweet tea.
>
> Mr. Deeds placed a glass in front of Dr. Mirth and resumed his seat at the other end of the table. Dr. Mirth hesitantly sniffed the tea, smiled, and took a sip.
>
> Dr. Mirth: Quite good, Mr. Deeds. In fact, this is perhaps the best sweet tea I’ve ever had! Delicious! Did you make it yourself?
>
> Mr. Deeds: I do dislike disappointing you, Dr. Mirth, but I do not recall. I assume that I did, but alas, my mind is not what it used to be.
>
> Dr. Mirth: You’ve only been gone (Dr. Mirth looked at watch) about ten minutes, Mr. Deeds. Are you telling me your memory is so terrible that you cannot remember what happened ten minutes ago or the time between?
>
> Mr. Deeds: I recall looking for a way out, and I recall returning with the tea, but that is all.
>
> Dr. Mirth: But not how or where you acquired the tea?
>
> Mr. Deeds: Unfortunately, no. (Mr. Deeds was visibly uncomfortable again)
>
> Dr. Mirth: Very well. I have another request.
>
> Mr. Deeds: As you wish.
>
> Dr. Mirth: I would like a bar of gold.
>
> Mr. Deeds: What percentage of pureness would you like?
>
> Dr. Mirth: 99.98 percent if you please.
>
> Mr. Deeds: That may be possible, let me see what I can do.
>
> Dr. Mirth: We’ll disable the cameras in the hall outside and Agent Graves will wait in the interrogation room with me to make your trip a little faster this time.
>
> Mr. Deeds: Very much appreciated, shall I?
>
> Dr. Mirth: Yes.
>
> Mr. Deeds exited into the hallway, where — despite what Dr. Mirth claimed — the cameras were not turned off. He paused for a moment, looked up at the closest camera, shook his head, and began traveling through the hallways of the complex as before. In corridor 2B, he paused, and once more all cameras, hidden or visible, in the corridor malfunctioned. Exactly ten minutes and thirty-seven seconds later, the cameras began functioning again, to show Mr. Deeds once again in the same position, with a bar of gold in one hand. He then returned to the interrogation room.
>
> Dr. Mirth: That took a bit longer than last time. Any reason?
>
> Mr. Deeds: Well, it seems that the cameras in the hallway remained on, so I had to find a suitable way out again. I apologize for the delay. Also, I was not able to acquire a bar of gold to the pureness that you requested, but I assure you that this bar is 99.14 percent pure.
>
> Dr. Mirth: Very impressive. We will be testing it, I’m sure you know.
>
> Mr. Deeds: I did not know that you would, but it makes sense, I suppose. Will there be anything else, Dr. Mirth?
>
> Dr. Mirth: Yes. For your next task, I would like for you to acquire for me a blue 1963 Corvette convertible.
>
> Mr. Deeds: I am quite sorry, but that is not possible.
>
> Dr. Mirth: Why not? I really want one.
>
> Mr. Deeds: Again, I cannot say why except that I just know that one cannot be gotten via my methods.
>
> Dr. Mirth: And what are those methods?
>
> Mr. Deeds: I do not recall.
>
> Dr. Mirth: Very well, I would like a Fabergé egg, any will do.
>
> Mr. Deeds: Ah, well, regretfully, that is impossible as well.
>
> Dr. Mirth: And I suppose you cannot say why?
>
> Mr. Deeds: That is correct.
>
> Dr. Mirth: How about some caviar? Any brand or type will do.
>
> Mr. Deeds: That I can do.
>
> Mr. Deeds once more entered the hallway outside the interrogation room. This time, the cameras were turned off after visual confirmation of Mr. Deeds’ entry into the hall. One minute later the cameras were turned back on, but Mr. Deeds had already returned to the interrogation room at this point.
>
> Dr. Mirth: That was considerably faster, Mr. Deeds. It only took you thirty-two seconds. And the caviar is quite good.
>
> Mr. Deeds: I am pleased to hear it.
>
> Dr. Mirth: One more thing before we end this session, Mr. Deeds.
>
> Mr. Deeds: As you wish.
>
> Dr. Mirth: I request that you assassinate Osama Bin Laden.
>
> Mr. Deeds: I’m afraid that cannot be done at this time, Dr. Mirth. Perhaps someone closer and less heavily guarded?
>
> Dr. Mirth: Very well. Let’s make it the gentleman in the next room over.
>
> Mr. Deeds: Indeed.
>
> Mr. Deeds once again entered the hallway. After visual confirmation, the cameras were momentarily turned off. When turned back on, they revealed the door to the next interrogation room down shutting. The cameras in that interrogation room showed Mr. Deeds entering the room with a large buck knife hidden behind one arm. Mr. Deeds approached the waiting D-class personnel and deftly slit his throat with one quick motion of the knife. Mr. Deeds watched as the D-class personnel went through the motions of death, avoiding their attempts to grab him. Once the D-class individual was visually presumed dead, Mr. Deeds returned to the interrogation room from whence he came.
>
> Dr. Mirth: The deed is done, then?
>
> Mr. Deeds: Indeed. Here is the knife I used as proof.
>
> Dr. Mirth: Why could you do this thing but not the other?
>
> Mr. Deeds: I cannot say, except to note that I simply knew one was impossible while the other was not.
>
> Dr. Mirth: So you don’t know how you know things like my last name or my title, or whether or not a certain task is possible?
>
> Mr. Deeds: That is correct.
>
> Dr. Mirth: Very well, I believe we are done here for now, but I do need to consult with my colleagues on some points. Please wait here until I return.
>
> Mr. Deeds: Certainly.
>
> Dr. Mirth and Agent Graves leave the room. Dr. Mirth returns 2 hours later; video surveillance shows that Mr. Deeds did not move during this interval.
>
> Dr. Mirth: Mr. Deeds, my colleagues and I have had some disagreements about you.
>
> Mr. Deeds: That’s most unfortunate.
>
> Dr. Mirth: We feel that these disagreements can only be resolved by examining you more intensely.
>
> Mr. Deeds: Certainly, Dr. Mirth.
>
> Dr. Mirth: To be specific, we’d like to examine you internally.
>
> Mr. Deeds: Certainly, Dr. Mirth.
>
> Dr. Mirth: ...We’d like to do an autopsy.
>
> Mr. Deeds: Ah. Shall I kill myself for you? And since you will be examining my internal organs, do you have a preferred method for my death?
>
> Dr. Mirth: Uh. Yes, if that’s possible?
>
> Mr. Deeds: Certainly it is possible, Dr. Mirth. Might I suggest having me cut my own throat so that I am exsanguinated? The buck knife from when I killed Mr. [REDACTED] is conveniently at hand, and although other methods are of course available, they would either take longer, or damage my organs such that they are no longer accurately representative of my pre-mortem state.
>
> Dr. Mirth: I, er, I suppose that will be acceptable — (at this point, Mr. Deeds took the buck knife and placed the edge of the blade against his throat) — wait!
>
> Mr. Deeds: ...yes, Dr. Mirth?
>
> Dr. Mirth: Before you do it... you will come back afterward, correct?
>
> Mr. Deeds: I’m sorry, Dr. Mirth, I don’t quite understand.
>
> Dr. Mirth: After the pawn shop incident, when you were killed. You came back to life afterward when Sergeant █████ rang the bell.
>
> Mr. Deeds: If you say so, Dr. Mirth.
>
> Dr. Mirth: Will you come back to life again?
>
> Mr. Deeds: I have no idea, Dr. Mirth. If I did before, then presumably I will again. Unless something has changed. Have you any further questions before I make the incision? I do recommend you step back, as I would hate for my blood to soil your clothing. Death throes can be untidy.
>
> Dr. Mirth: ...no, I suppose not. Carry on.
>
> Mr. Deeds: Very well, Dr. Mirth. And in the event that I don’t come back to life, it has been a genuine pleasure to serve you.
>
> Mr. Deeds then sliced through his own throat, and bled to death. A post-mortem examination of the body revealed it to be ordinary in every way, though it is noted that Mr. Deeds was not suffering from any noticeable disease or physical condition, and was in fact in near perfect health at the time of death. The contents of his stomach consisted of Southern-style sweet tea, normal stomach acids, and no more.
>
> Mr. Deeds’ body was then left on the operating table while the lights in the room and cameras were turned off. All personnel left the room, and upon return, no trace of Mr. Deeds, be it blood on the instruments used or other physical traces such as organs removed, let alone the actual body, remained.
>
> Further ringing of SCP-662 resulted in Mr. Deeds’ appearance after three minutes. He showed no signs of injury, and was well dressed once more in a modern uniform commonly worn by butlers. As expected, he could not explain how he had managed to survive. He was then ordered to give Dr. Mirth a full body massage, which he performed much to Dr. Mirth’s satisfaction; Dr. Mirth claimed it was “the best damned rubdown I’ve ever had, my back pain is completely gone”.
>
> <End Log>
SCP-662 was discovered in the possession of a petty thief and grave robber in █████, ██, USA. The thief was in the process of selling SCP-662 to a pawn shop in the mentioned town when the bell was accidentally “rung” by the pawn shop attendant. Mr. Deeds appeared from the storage area behind the counter and promptly addressed the attendant. Believing that he was about to be robbed by the two men, the attendant overreacted and managed to get hold of a sawed-off shotgun from under the counter. Mr. Deeds was fatally wounded by the attendant and died on scene.
The thief escaped, but was apprehended by Foundation agents after a week-long search of the surrounding towns. Under questioning, the thief revealed that he found the bell in its box in the grave of ██████████ ████████, located on the outskirts of the above mentioned town. He was then remitted for D-class personnel assignment and subsequently perished during testing of SCP-███.
The bell did not come under the purview of the Foundation until after the crime and subsequent transport of Mr. Deeds’ body to the local morgue. After the disappearance of the body from the morgue, an agent was sent to investigate the possible outbreak of SCP-███ or other unknown necrotic reinvigorating cause.
Mr. Deeds reappeared in the Case File Item Storage room of the local constabulary after the bell was handled by Sergeant █████. He was quickly apprehended and Agent ███████ took him into custody three hours after reappearance under the guise of an FBI agent. When the handcuffed Mr. Deeds once again disappeared, the agent intuited that the bell itself may have something to do with the string of incidents, and after acquiring it and testing proved his hunch, brought the bell back to ███████ for further testing. Agent ███████ was awarded an official Foundation “Pat on the Back” plaque for his handling of the incident and lack of self serving interest once he discovered what the bell and Mr. Deeds were capable of.
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