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Tinkering vs Making

Date: June 14 2023

topics: projects, mental-health, linux 'ricing', minecraft

God damn do I spend a lot of time configuring things on my computer. Something about it is the perfect little digital figit tool, and having everything be a consistent color scheme (currently nord¹) feels very satisfying. That being said I can sometimes land myself in a sisyphean situation wherein I spend more time configuring something than actually doing the thing. Trying to analyze this pattern and thinking about how to better channel my amorphous desire to do things into doing the specific thing I want has been an interesting challenge.

I think that beyond all else the thing holding me in a space once removed from actually doing the thing can be boiled down to the same 2 core issues that pervade many an anxiety-riddled mind. I don't put enough structure into the things I make, and I am terrified of making them badly.

Defining a problem-space to enter before sitting down at the computer isn't natural to me. I grew up as a little gamer gremlin and often it felt like time spent recreationally on the computer was my default state, and other things were activities between that. In my journey to become a more well rounded and less alienated person, I have been trying to break out of this headspace and spend more time actually doing things that move me forward (especially indulging in the minutia of making dinner with my girlfriend or doign some chores), but will often still find myself staring at the wallpaper on my computer trying to come up with something to occupy my time with.

Configuration seems to be something my brain likes to lean on because it can be rationalized as scaffolding for creative work. If I am inching closer to my platonic ideal setup, than surely when creativity strikes I will be able to capitalize on that moment fully.

That, unfortunately isn't how motivation works, and it's not really how I want time to work either. I do not think it is reasonable to expect myself to be doing things that are fufulling, healthy, and mentalling stimulating in all the right ways at all the right times, but I am also wary of living life on autopilot, and having days or weeks go by with little worth remembering in them.

An interesting thing is this has also seeped into my gaming more than ever, especially as my increasingly idiosyncratic linux setup makes gaming tricky sometimes :p. I fiddle with minecraft mods a lot, often spending more time in the Prism Launcher² mod installation window than the game itself.

Fighting it is going to be tough, I think that having goals when I sit down at the desk will be big, and finding things to do other than sitting at my computer will probably help me actually want to use the time I am on it more. So many of my hobbies are on the computer, so it's tough not to get overwhelmed by all of the choice and sit there twiddling my digital thumbs. Anyone else experience this? feel free to shoot me an email or w/e, would be interested in hearing your experiences

links

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1: the nord color scheme (web link)

2; Prism Launcher (the best minecraft launcher)