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bored. school. aah. nothing else. sorry for no update in over 2 months, i keep forgetting about this little space.
alrighty! so i havent done an update in a little bit, but school has started up again and it could be worse. first thing, im already stuggling with getting some assignments in, and i have no idea how to work on getting better with that. lucking i have some super helpful teachers who definitely all really like what they are doing, even if they all also teach 7th graders too. i sadly havent made much progress on getting chunithm to work, but at least ive gotten better in beat saber. another thing ive gotten better with is typing. i now know how to type with proper posture and the homerow keys and all that shit, even if im not doing it right now (its super slow, like 15 wpm slow) but at least i can. i also cleared off my desk so i can use that now instead of just laying in my bed and typing everything, which is much more comfortable. anyways back on the topic of school, i lost my headphones, so now i have to listen to the random screaming about racism and shit that happens on my school bus (its chaotic) and its kinda funny. at least i can see my bf again, which is always nice. i also went to the airshow today and got some pretty good pictures of the fighters and got to use my mom's big camera which was kinda fun.
also my birthday passed on the 9th, and i got a couple of really nice things to have (but sadly no blåhaj though). i cant really think of anything else that i can talk about right now, but im sure if i think of anything in the future then i will type it here.
i feel like ✨shit✨. so i got that haircut i mentioned a bit ago, and i regret it. i wanted something thats pretty short but still looks quite feminine. turns out, it doesnt look feminine at all on me, and now i look like absolute crap. i hate how i look and im sure everybody else would. i also tried to mod my wii u. it worked pretty well, until i tried to run pirated games. now it is giving me so many issues and its driving me insane. on top of that, i tried to play rec room with my boyfriend, but it did not end well, what-so-ever. AND EVEN WORSE, i am doing absolutely terribly at beat saber and i am have trouble even getting the game to start now. i would say "oN tHe PoSiTiVe SiDe", but there is none. i also just remembered school is starting up again soon, so thats gonna be stressing me to death, and im sure it wont end well. i wish i could cry about it, but i cant because of the magical testosterone. so yeah, things arent going well at all. at least hopefully things will get better in the future? i sure hope so.
my mom and i started talking about how i want to become a witch. we then started talking about right-wing politics and laughing about how rediculous some of the reasons they give are. but i mentioned how i wanna become one of those cool, pretty witches who just peacefully lives in an enchanted forest with her pet black cat and they do magic together. that is all.
little thing im adding on later: today i kept trying to get chunithm to run on my home laptop, it never worked and that dammed game is driving me insane. that is actually all.
adding on even more tonight, it seems! anyways i just realized how much i fear people are always judging me. im always scared to do anything in like vrchat or anywhere where somebody could hear my voice or learn a little bit about me, just because im scared thet might be silently judging me and stuff. thats why i use this as my "journal", because almost nobody can see this and judge me. having insecuritues sucks lmao.
as it says in the title, i just wanna quickly mention the stats on everything, or more accurately, the lack of 'em. its so nice not worrying about if this post is doing well or how many people viewed my gemlog. i dont have to worry about any of it and its a lot calmer. i also feels like it ups my confidence a little bit, because i dont know how many people are seeing this. it sounds odd, but it makes a lot of sense. my brain, by default, assumes that absolutely nobody is seeing what i type. because of that, i would never know if more people are seeing this, since my brain assumes nobody is, and its pretty calming being able to vent without knowing if anybody will see it. and since im on the topic of venting, adhd (what im pretty confident i have, but i havent been diagnosed with, yet) is a bitch. ive heard analogies of it being like youre possessed with yourself, but i prefer to think of my brain as a twitch chat, and i am the streamer. if youve ever watched anything on twitch.tv, you would know that the chats come up with the most random shit ever, and it always wanna choose the worst option, and theres no controlling it. thats what i feel like about my thoughts, and its hell. an even smaller little thing that happened today: if youve used reddit, you might know of u/redditcareresources or whatever its called. basically, you can send that bot to any user who you think may be struggling with mental health issues like depression or is suicidal. i mentioned "what is wrong with me" in the title of one of my (shitty) "bottom" memes, and somehow that got the bot to dm me.
another little tiny thing, im probably gonna start vocal training soon to try to get a more feminine voice, which im really looking forward to.
oops, adding on even more after ive already finished writing again! some of you may know how a therapist might ask you to log your feelings in a journal. i feel like this gemlog is my journal, and it feels absolutely amazing to just rant about whatever i want.
god. i started talking about a lot more than what i originally intended to, but thats fine with me. i hope the (probably nonexistent) people who read these have a good day though!
howdy! so i basically forgot about my gemlog, and i reget that a lot. im gonna sum up some of the cooler things ive done. first, vr. ive met a couple of people in vr recently, and all of them are super cool to be around. i also joined a gamenight in vrchat, and that completely changed my view on play games in vr. i also became top 850 on the beat saber leaderboard mod "beatleader", which im super proud of. now for things i did irl: i went down to florida, as i mentioned in my last post. down in florida, i went to disney world, which is always great, and i went to an arcade called "arcade monsters". there, i got to play some arcade games that have been in my dreams, like:
taiko no tatsujin
sound voltex
gitadora
dancerush stardom
project diva
maimai
wacca
and the biggest one of all:
chunithm.
(yes theyre all rhythm games) for some reason, i fell in love with this game and have been trying to find any way to get the arcade experience at home without spending the money to buy a tasoller or an actual arcade cabinet. ive gotten a pirated version of the game running (ish) with the help of somebody ive met over reddit who is also amazing, and likes a bunch of the same rhythm games as i do. i also got invited to a small discord dedicated to that chunithm game, and everybody there is really nice too. anyways, last little update, school is starting up again and im hoping to see my bf more than i did last year, and it seems like i probably will, which is nice. but with school coming up, means its almost time for the worst stress of my life, im really hoping things arent nearly as bad as they were last year. luckily my birthday is coming up soon, so i can hopefully get that new celeste skirt, a tasoller, or a new computer. thats all i have for today, and my thumbs are getting tired from typing all this on my phone, so goodnight, and i hope everybody who reads this has a very nice <insert time until next post>!
after i wrote my entry that i did yesterday, i got on the vrchat world "test pilots" and god damn flying a plane in vr is so fucking fun. if for some reason wants to play something, send a message to my discord because i need friends 😭 (it would be fun though lmao.) im also going to florida soon which will be pretty fun.
yesterday, i bit the bullet and downloaded vr chat, but i only played in private instances, but today i played my first public instance, and for some reason i picked among us, so whats the best way to describe what i experienced in the game? a list, of course!
racist and ableist slurs
image of somebody getting a blowjob
stomped on by a giant sirenhead avatar
asked if i wanted to "pack somebody's slimjim"
its a great game though, i loved it and i will play it again. also, i checked out the james webb photos, and god damn they are pretty. now its my desktop background and i dont regret it. (specifically the nebula one i think.) last but not least, i feel like ive been getting more and more comfortable with opening up about things on this little gemlog here, and its really nice to be able to just talk about whatever and anything i want, and it especially helps that probably nobody is reading this so that means that nobody well care what i say.
i was thinking about the geminispace recently (i dont think i have to clarify that that is) and i had an idea for a capsule, but i know it would require cgi scripting and idk where to begin with that, or if theres a way to use a language like ruby or rust. if anybody has any ideas, please hmu because i think it would be kinda fun for me to make lol.
things are ever so slightly better. not by much, but still better. also the one and the only blaise (that mysical person ive been refering to as my boyfriend) is back which is pretty nice. i wanna try to make some stuff on gemini (specifically a frontend for project gutenburg's onlie) but i have no clue where to even begin with that kinda stuff. if anybody has any info on that, then do contact me, i think i have my discord on my gemini page. anyways go play trackmania if you dont already.
i feel like absolute shit, i havent been worse mentally in my life. my boyfriend is probably grounded and i cant talk to them at all, and in my head, most of the people i know despise me and hate me. i barely leave my room at this point and reddit is basically my primary source of entertainment. i wish i knew why i was suddenly feeling so shitty, but i actually dont, and not knowing is making it worse somehow. anyways for the good-ish news: ive been growing my hair out and pass ever so slightly sometimes and it makes me so happy. currently one person im not out to has noticed. im also planning to start voice training so i will have the confidence to speak in vr games like rec room where i have a female character, and just so i feel better about my voice. anyways, this is me signing off, hopefully things are better next time.
oh i also started playing trackmania 2020, and got even closer to having gold on every track in trackmania united forever, both of which are really good arcadey racing games which i highly recommend.
howdy, summer break is boring as fuck. i'd be fine if its just like a month, but it feels like its gonna be forever sadly. i already miss everybody ive seen there so this really sucks.
i am no longer failing english, which is great because that means i'll go to this school next year! also at that same time ive started to really love my school and everybody there.
ive gone down multiple wikipedia rabbit wholes and ive been on the codegolf stack exchange a bit too much today, so i decided to check out gemini a little more, and god its so cool. there's a couple pretty cool services that i find amazing to check out and i love it here.
so i am doing really well in school, currently have an e (my school doesnt use f's) and now if i dont pull that up within a week, im gonna get kicked out. other than that, a friend of mine is giving me more femme clothing to help me transition (i really hope this place isn't that against trans people lol) and im actually getting decently close to passing! anyways i dont have anything else to talk about, so back to playing osu!mania.
so this is twice now. i find an exploit or some way to get around a restriction, and its blocked in like a couple days. its funny, but im scared now lol. anyways finals are tomorrow woohoo! (they werent that bad!)
Edit, 6/10/2022: so a few days ago my school saw what a friend typed in a document i owned, and now they definitely are.
ok so i hate today. idk why im writing here like it's a diary already but eh. so what happened? nothing too much. just a bit of ✨ drama✨ and other stupid crap. i cant go to a really good looking school play with my boyfriend just because of my grades, but other than that nothing much.
hey. i was bored today and i have been wanting to make a gemlog about my life, maybe more like a diary but eh it doesnt matter. anyways things were just boring as hell. just normal flirting with my boyfriend and stuff
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