gemini://gem.lizsugar.me/2024/03/02/finding-myself.gmi

I recently broke up with my girlfriend because I simply don't have the mental, physical, and emotional energy for multiple relationships right now. And in the thoughts leading up to the breakup I realized something: I don't know who I am with my disabilities.

It's not just that I haven't learned to manage my disability, which is frustratingly true, but it's also an identity thing. Who even am I right now? With each major life-shattering breakup I've had, there's been a period of time where I needed to find myself outside of that relationship again. And also with transition, having to find myself in a whole new way. These have always been big life changes for me, so why haven't I treated my disability the same?

I have been disabled since my first (and thankfully only, so far) COVID-19 infection in April of 2020. I was also dating who I thought was the love of my life. We broke up a year later and it completely wrecked me – and I think the stress from that irrevocably damaged my potential for longcovid recovery. I was so preoccupied with that relationship both before and after the breakup that I never gave myself the time I needed to recover and discover who I was after being disabled.

In the recent months I've been feeling stretched incredibly thin, with no room to relax or rest, and I desperately need to figure out how to do those things. With two relationships, a home to take care of, symptom management, figuring out my health insurance and health care, two cats, and more, I wasn't allowing myself to do nothing, to rest. I felt like I could not give myself that, and everything suffered for it. But I **need** to give myself the room to do those things. And I need to allow myself to make hard decisions about who or what gets to take my energy away from resting and relaxing. This means less video games (a refuge of mine when I have spare moments) when I need to rest.. and it means no more dating at all.

It fucking sucks. But for the foreseeable future, while I finally work to get a handle on my longcovid, my chronic fatigue, my migraines, my stress, my COVID-19 induced brain damage, my healthcare, my... 😪 I'm classifying myself as practicing "disability induced monogamy." I've already removed all the dating and hookup apps from my phone. I noticed that I was going on Grindr especially frequently when I was feeling listless and empty. I wanted attention to fill a hole (not in the sex way). I was seeking something that really only I can give myself.

My wife is also polyamorous and I've already assured her I will be asking for no extra time from her, or otherwise limiting her time with her partners. This is my decision about my relationship structures, and except for regrettably my ex girlfriend, it should have no other effects on anyone else.

Breaking up with her was incredibly hard because she didn't do anything worth breaking up over. The relationship itself was good and I miss talking to her every day... But it was the realization that _any_ second relationship is going to necessarily take time and energy, more than a friendship anyway. There's a lot more involved to being someone's partner, and it just took a toll on me, especially when it felt like I was the center of her life. I think even once I'm ready to date again, I can't have another relationship like that. I've broken up with someone before because the relationship was bad. That was, so much easier. This relationship was not bad, it was pretty good despite...

..I do, though, look forward to spending more time on my own and just trying exist as myself again (which is a weird thing to say considering I'm still very much in _an_ relationship). I've been feeling very disconnected from myself lately. I hadn't worked on my game projects in over a year, I haven't regularly journaled in at least as long. I don't listen to any of my comforting music or TV shows anymore, nor am I discovering new shows or movies. I want to try new things like knitting or crochet. I wanna learn how to bake bread (we have a stand mixer, I will not be kneading by hand, don't worry). I wanna do new things that fit within my disabled life. I wanna restart basic yoga to see if I can build up some strength and flexibility again. I want to write again; I have ideas for stories. I want to find social spaces I can fit into again. I want to make my space even more mine, a refuge.

For the first time in a long time I am centering myself. I already know who transsexual Liz Sugar is. It's time to find disabled Liz Sugar.

Finding Myself Again Again Again